I've asked my partner for forgiveness for a past transgression but he/she will not forgive nor trust me. What can I do?
Last Updated: 05/05/2020 at 11:12am
April Zamzow, CSW, MA, LPC
Licensed Professional Counselor
There are many times in our lives when we could use an ear to listen and help us through the things that we are struggling with. I can do that.
Top Rated Answers
I'd say give it time. You can't force someone to forgive you or trust you again. It takes them time to rebuild trust, it's a complex internal process. Sometimes that waiting period can be difficult. Sadly I don't think you can't speed up the process either. However, fair warning, there are things that you could do that end up prolonging the time he/she needs (such as pushing them before they're ready). So be careful not to do those. Also, don't let yourself feel guilty. You messed up, we all do. But the important thing is you asked for forgiveness. The rest is up to them. And don't think they'll never forgive you, because they will, all in due time. That said, if you feel that waiting for their forgiveness/trust isn't in your best interest, then you should talk to him/her and let them know.
Understand that you are not owed forgiveness just because you ask for it or because you have apologized. Saying that you are sorry for a transgression does not suddenly negate the feelings of the person you hurt. The best thing that you can do in such a situation is allow your partner their space to deal with their feelings.
You need to rebuild the trust and bond that has been damaged. Start by asking yourself if you really want this relationship/Are you willing to work to rebuild it ? is your partner ? if yes next ask your partner what they need to help move pass this situation. Work to do that. Also keep in mind that you can rebuild brick by brick - show them that you are trust worthy by being reliable .
It is difficult to regain trust and gain forgiveness once trust has been broken. Once a person feels betrayed, it can be difficult for them to open their hearts up again for fear of being hurt. In my opinions, one of the best responses you can have in this situation is not to expect or feel entitled to their love or forgiveness. It may take time to regain their trust naturally, but forcing your presence on them to speed things up is likely to backfire on you; if they feel pressured they may feel even less comfortable with you than before. So yes, I am going to give the annoying answer that you probably don't want to hear; it will take time for them to welcome you back into their life.
As many members said: "Time cures". But It does not mean that you should just wait. Do little steps towards your partner. If he or she still in denial let him or her the space. Reflection of your changed behavior should become a new habit. It is important to both of you. Step by step you will be closer to "new" trust and new (without quotes) relationships. So just asking for forgiveness is politeness, kindness to the partner, not a regret or not an action. Try to look at the situation through your partner eyes. What would you expect? How would you react? Wish you true LOVE
Well the first thing you have to do is try to see things from your partner’s side. If you cheated on them or hurt them or betrayed them in anyway it would only make sense that they would be hesitant to forgive will trust you. Eventually they will most likely forgive you but trust cannot be given it is earned. If you want them to trust you, you have to work hard to earn it. You must be responsible and make mature decisions. Do not rag on them for their lack of trust in you. Pull yourself together and be whatever it is that they need whether it be a constant companion someone to lean on in hard times or just a trustworthy partner. If you truly want to earn their trust you will work hard to earn it back.
As many of stated, this isn't something that is going away overnight. Especially if you were in a long-term relationship and this past transgression was recent. I think your partner will need to take their time with forgiving and trusting you again. Can you help with this though? If your partner sees that you can be trusted again and trys to mend what caused the past transgresion or improve in some aspect, that can help them see maybe they can trust you again. But... that doesn't mean they have to forgive you right away or trust you right away. It won't be easy and if things don't improve it may be time to reevaluate the relationship.
If they cannot or willnot forgive you, then It may be best to move on, with excecution depending on the severaity of the transgression. If it was something minor that they refused to get over, or something blown up in porportion, you may want to defuse the situation or just leave entirely, and if it is something more major, that wasn't blown up in porportion, maybe explain what happed, and tell them theat you respect their decision and will be leaving. Begging usually doesn't work, nor helps the relationship suceede later, as there likely will be tension. Hope this helps.
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