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My husband has cheated on me twice. The first time was a year long, the second affair was seven years long. Am I an idiot for staying and thinking he has changed?

3 Answers
Last Updated: 05/19/2020 at 8:48pm
1 Tip to Feel Better
United States
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Jamie Rautenberg, LCSW

Clinical Social Work/Therapist

I'm passionate about helping clients understand emotional experiences & mental chatter do not define who they are. I'm here to guide them through the fog back to themselves.

Top Rated Answers
June 4th, 2018 9:08am
This is normal. Sometimes people think others have changed and that they will go back to the person you once met/married. However, in some cases, this is the complete opposite. You are not an idiot for staying and thinking he's changed, but talking about it to him can help.
April 13th, 2020 11:16pm
You are not an idiot! You don't deserve to be treated in that way. You deserve to be in a relationship where you feel loved and appreciated. In this situation you are not at fault. No human deserves to be treated in such a way, don't feel like did anything to deserve that. In your case, it may be a good idea to seek a third party to sit down with to chat with to find a long term solution that will work best for you. It is important for you to be happy with any relationship you are in!
May 19th, 2020 8:48pm
Trust is likely the most important value in marriage. A lack of trust is more damaging than that of a previous affair, where the previous affair may be forgiven, one is forever left wondering whether or not their partner will be there for them, physically and emotionally, in a future time of need. Since in this case a husband has betrayed his wife's trust twice, for extended periods, demonstrates a complete lack of honesty, respect, harmony, in addition to trust. The other concern is around the expectation that a partner will change. You are only in control of whether or not you accept another person the way they are, not that they will change. I left a very long term marriage knowing we had grown so different that I was no longer able to have my partner's back. A lack of trust, not able to accept who they had become and no expectation that they would change was enough for me to leave. I have no regrets in making that decision.