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My husband has cheated on me twice. The first time was a year long, the second affair was seven years long. Am I an idiot for staying and thinking he has changed?

4 Answers
Last Updated: 10/04/2021 at 3:28pm
1 Tip to Feel Better
United States
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April Zamzow, CSW, MA, LPC

Licensed Professional Counselor

There are many times in our lives when we could use an ear to listen and help us through the things that we are struggling with. I can do that.

Top Rated Answers
June 4th, 2018 9:08am
This is normal. Sometimes people think others have changed and that they will go back to the person you once met/married. However, in some cases, this is the complete opposite. You are not an idiot for staying and thinking he's changed, but talking about it to him can help.
April 13th, 2020 11:16pm
You are not an idiot! You don't deserve to be treated in that way. You deserve to be in a relationship where you feel loved and appreciated. In this situation you are not at fault. No human deserves to be treated in such a way, don't feel like did anything to deserve that. In your case, it may be a good idea to seek a third party to sit down with to chat with to find a long term solution that will work best for you. It is important for you to be happy with any relationship you are in!
May 19th, 2020 8:48pm
Trust is likely the most important value in marriage. A lack of trust is more damaging than that of a previous affair, where the previous affair may be forgiven, one is forever left wondering whether or not their partner will be there for them, physically and emotionally, in a future time of need. Since in this case a husband has betrayed his wife's trust twice, for extended periods, demonstrates a complete lack of honesty, respect, harmony, in addition to trust. The other concern is around the expectation that a partner will change. You are only in control of whether or not you accept another person the way they are, not that they will change. I left a very long term marriage knowing we had grown so different that I was no longer able to have my partner's back. A lack of trust, not able to accept who they had become and no expectation that they would change was enough for me to leave. I have no regrets in making that decision.
October 4th, 2021 3:28pm
you are not an idiot. you are a wonderful human being, it's unfortunate that these situations happened. forgiveness is an empathetic aspect of good people. and it's sad that people play on that. but NEVER de-value yourself due to someone else's actions. it is them that has the problem. marriage isn't easy. people tend to get caught up in a "comfort zone" and look past a lot of shortcomings instead of dealing with them. it sounds like it's unhealthy for both of you. only you can decide what is best. both for your mental well being as well as for your emotional well being. financially things will fall into place. just stay positive and things will fall into place for the better. and most of all, do NOT look at yourself as being an idiot.