My husband has cheated on me twice. The first time was a year long, the second affair was seven years long. Am I an idiot for staying and thinking he has changed?
Last Updated: 05/19/2020 at 8:48pm
Jamie Rautenberg, LCSW
Clinical Social Work/Therapist
I'm passionate about helping clients understand emotional experiences & mental chatter do not define who they are. I'm here to guide them through the fog back to themselves.
Top Rated Answers
This is normal. Sometimes people think others have changed and that they will go back to the person you once met/married. However, in some cases, this is the complete opposite. You are not an idiot for staying and thinking he's changed, but talking about it to him can help.
You are not an idiot! You don't deserve to be treated in that way. You deserve to be in a relationship where you feel loved and appreciated. In this situation you are not at fault. No human deserves to be treated in such a way, don't feel like did anything to deserve that. In your case, it may be a good idea to seek a third party to sit down with to chat with to find a long term solution that will work best for you. It is important for you to be happy with any relationship you are in!
Trust is likely the most important value in marriage. A lack of trust is more damaging than that of a previous affair, where the previous affair may be forgiven, one is forever left wondering whether or not their partner will be there for them, physically and emotionally, in a future time of need. Since in this case a husband has betrayed his wife's trust twice, for extended periods, demonstrates a complete lack of honesty, respect, harmony, in addition to trust. The other concern is around the expectation that a partner will change. You are only in control of whether or not you accept another person the way they are, not that they will change. I left a very long term marriage knowing we had grown so different that I was no longer able to have my partner's back. A lack of trust, not able to accept who they had become and no expectation that they would change was enough for me to leave. I have no regrets in making that decision.
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