Community Guideline Added: Relationships, Dating & Romantic Connections
Hello All -
A new community guideline will soon be added to our community guideline page! Please see below.
17. Relationships, Dating & Romantic Connections
It may happen that you feel attracted to someone who is attentive, kind and caring. However, as a professional community, we do not encourage or support romantic relationships on 7 Cups. Listeners are trained to maintain professionalism at all times. If you are in a relationship with another user (listener or member), please be advised that you are engaging in behavior that is outside of our community guidelines and we are not able to support that connection in any way. If this relationship comes to our attention, you may be subject to guideline violations related to sexting, off site contact or lacking professionalism. (You can learn more about how we manage sexting situations on 7 Cups here)
Additionally, we have updated the behavior point system to reflect this new guideline. Those highlighted in pink are the new additions.
This update applies to all current and past offsite friendships/relationships. We are not planning to search for people in relationships or off site chat groups. So, if you are currently in one, remove yourself at this time. If it is reported, we may take action as per the updated guidelines above.
If you have any feedback, questions, comments or suggestions, please let me know.
Thank you!
@Laura
So...my wife also uses 7cups. It's been incredibly helpful for both of us for different reasons. Neither of us are listeners, so we're not using the messenging system to chat or anything like that, but we both belong to some of the same subcommunities because the issues we are both working through sometimes overlap. How does this effect us and our use of the available 7cups services?
@Laura
Is it okay as long as we're not using 7cups to build our romantic relationship?
@enbyemu
Hey there! Off site contact in this context means you met on 7 cups :) of course you will not be in trouble for using the same site as one another! But mentioning who they are by username is not recommended. We are mostly concerned about professionalism. I hope that helps and that @laura can confirm
That may be what you hope it means, but that's not what it says 
What it says is that offsite contact is not allowed. What you hope it means is that offsite contact is just fine as long as you don't talk about it. However, the whole point of 7 Cups is that people can come here and talk about things!
I share your concern about professionalism, but I am not convinced that trying to regulate people's private lives in this way is a professional approach.
@MonBon
@RarelyCharlie @monbon
There are things 7 Cups cannot control or police. Certainly if a married couple both join 7 Cups for the purpose of getting help, we cannot break up their marriage, nor would we want to. Monbon is correct in that we do not condone relationships where the two individuals have met ON 7 Cups. If you know someone off of 7 Cups and you both join the site, we ask that you keep that connection to yourselves and not let any of your off 7 Cups connection/relationship impact your work here on 7 Cups.
@Laura Thank you for clarifying that.
I know some of my friends IRL also use 7 cups, but we don't know each others user names on here, nor do we talk about it, apart from when it was recommended as a resource. So techniequally I am in friendships with 2 other possible listeners on and off 7 cups but in advertently so. As far as I understand, as long as we don't tell each other our usernames on here, and keep the two seperate, then that's all fine?
@resourcefulPond1641 - Exactly! :)
Like @enbyemu has mention about them and their wife both using 7Cups, I have a similar question.
If two people (Whether they're in a relationship, friendship, etc), who met and developed a friendship outside of 7Cups, both use 7Cups, would the circumstances be for them? The two people can both either be members, both be listeners, or one of each.
@StrangePhanatic Not related to the OP, but I just wanted to say thank you for using my they/them pronouns! This is actually the first time I've ever witnessed them being used as the conversations I've had with the people I've come out to just have somehow managed to not need the use of pronouns! So it was really bizarre, but really special. Thanks! ^-^
@StrangePhanatic @enbyemu
Yes that should be fine! This only applies to relationships where the people only know each other on 7 Cups 
@Emily619 Well, that's the thing, my wife and I DO interact occassionaly on 7cups because we're in the same subcommunities. Not often, but it does happen.
@Emily619 Or do you mean it only applies to people who know each other through 7cups?
@enbyemu
Yeah this applies to people who know each other through 7cups.
@StrangePhanatic
I have given an answer above that I hope clears up some confusion!
@Laura I agree with the others, the way this is written it really sounds like a) two people in a relationship cannot both be on 7cups and b) we don't offer support regarding relationships.
Wording suggestion:
It may happen that you feel attracted to someone who is attentive, kind and caring. However, as a professional community, we do not encourage or support romantic relationships developing on 7 Cups. Listeners are trained to maintain professionalism at all times. If on 7 Cups [you are in - delete this] a romantic relationship arises with another user (listener or member), please be advised that you are engaging in behavior that is outside of our community guidelines and we are not able to support that connection in any way. If this relationship comes to our attention, you may be subject to guideline violations related to sexting, off site contact or lacking professionalism. (You can learn more about how we manage sexting situations on 7 Cups here)
I think there should also be a link to a post regarding what someone should do if they have feelings develop for another user here. That can be difficult, and without that aspect being addressed I feel like there may be users who feel stigma about discussing and getting support for what can be some very conflicting emotions.
@AffyAvo Also the wording within the point system needs to be changed. The 'makes its way ... in any way' is way too extreme as again, that suggests those in a relationship cannot both be using the site.
I would use something like
Relationship/romantic connection develops on 7 Cups or is initiated on the site in any way
@AffyAvo Bravo, AffyAvo. A +Vote wasn't enough. You get extra kudos today.
@enbyemu Aww thank you!
@AffyAvo
I approve of this wording change affy! I think it would help to clear up the confusion
@AffyAvo - Love this rewording - much clearer!
@AffyAvo
this wording works - i think we can all agree on your edits. thank you!
@AffyAvo awesome addition/word chang Affy!
Finally the subject I was waiting to see here.
@laura
thank you for posting this and for providing such a beautiful and strong community.
I think this subject is completely important and all members and listeners should read it.
Could someone explain how the "Compassion Campaign" works, with these rules? Because if I share anything on Facebook/Twitter, reasonably the people who see it, and may sign up, will be people I know offsite. Do the rules only apply to sharing info with existing members, but not people you already knew offsite?
@MonoTrouble
Only applies to existing members if you give someone your offsite contact that you only know them from 7 Cups
@Emily619
Thanks, I didn't think I'd get a reply so quickly.
Considering how small my country is, ducking people who are members will be kind of weird.
No disrespect to the Administration on 7 cups...but.......WHERE THE HECK WAS THIS 3 YEARS AGO? For privacy and not wanting to break any rules, I am only going to say that I have been patiently waiting for this type of change to occur on 7 cups. This is the type of guidelines that should have been developed from the get go. More of it needs to be enacted to keep not only members, listeners and moderators safe but also so that people are held accountable for thier actions on here. Too long have the users on here suffered the consequences of inaction and the inability for those who abuse the system to be punished. All of us are here to better learn about ourselves, to better help others and at times to do both at the same time. We as a community shouldn't have to feel like this website is a war zone filled with mini DMZ's. The line between right and wrong should not and should never be blurred.
*Takes a deep breath to relax
In Short: Thank you for finally enacting a point system and hopefully keeping the good and discouraging the not so good from harming the community everyone's help built, even if at times we don't always see eye to eye.
@GlouchesterSyrup
thanks for your feedback! sorry for delay in more clearly spelling this out!
@GlouchesterSyrup fair point. However, we are all doing something very new here on 7 Cups and there will be blind spots. The idea is to quickly plug them as soon as we find them.
So please keep them coming!! We are all equally adept in identifying blind spots. Please communicate to any of the community managers if we have missed out on anything else and we will take prompt measures.
@OpsTops I would like to address your points......
However, we are all doing something very new here on 7 Cups and there will be blind spots
There is certaintly "something new" about 7 cups, but I fail to see how this should be an excuse for enacting problem solving to help members, listeners and moderators of this site.
The idea is to quickly plug them as soon as we find them.
Interesting. So, if you don't find any problems, they quietly and quickly go down the drain of things that "should have been caught but were not"?
We are all equally adept in identifying blind spots.
adept at finding blind spots? I'm sorry. There a lot of "blind spots" here on 7 cups. So many in fact, they people invovled in creating, promoting or otherwise carrying out "blind spots" would cause a 35 car pileup in California even on the best day.
Please communicate to any of the community managers if we have missed out on anything else and we will take prompt measures.
I'm glad you brought this point up. I personally, have been adressing many things to community managers, moderators and admin team. No prompt action was taken, and the problem continued to spread like wildfire across this site. I personally have been deeply affected by various amounts of comments either directly or indirectly A ) threatens my family B ) personal threats and C ) Aggrivated verbal assault from many of these so called "regulars" on this site because the room decided that this was the best course of action and those who COULD and SHOULD do something about it DID NOT act on it because they either don't care or perhaps they themselves don't take this site as seriously as they should being the HELPING ROLE.
So, excuse me if I don't find your post exactly comforting.
@GlouchesterSyrup thanks for venting out your feelings. Looks like you are super angry about some things on 7 cups that might have offended you. Do you want to chat with me in PMs? Better to be in a problem solving mode here.
@GlouchesterSyrup this has always been against the rules ._.''
just not spelled out in so many words.
It seems a bit weird to tell people to end their relationships/ tell them what feelings they can/can't have (it almost reminds me of an abusive situation lmao isnt that ironic)
I personally think a simple "7cups does not condone forming new relationships with members/listeners; and sexual advances should be reported immediately" would suffice and seem less pie in the sky.
Because you know people are going to do it anyway. If they have literally no one else on the planet to turn to and they want to be able to communicate off site, they're gonna do it.
It's like trying to teach abstinence-only sex ed. Telling people to never do something won't stop them. They will do it anyway. It seems it would be more effective to just focus on explaining the dangers and then declining responsibility for anything that may occur off site.
@Phthalo
I see your point! I think the purpose of this is mostly to prevent problems or biases in the relationship from bleeding into 7 cups. We care mainly about professionalism. Thank you for sharing your input :)
@Phthalo
I can definitely agree with you. I respect what they are trying to do and can understand that professionalism is important, but something that 7cups should remember is that there are adults, and people do develop feelings. Rather than punishing someone for that, maybe they should first offer to either help them get over it. But I find it a bit hard to police feelings... and a bit concerning to try to police feelings on an emotional support site where we advocate that all feelings are valid.
I like what you said. They don't have to condone it but it is not exactly something I see that should be policed unless of course there are unwanted advances. But if two people are consenting, and they are doing their listening jobs well, they should not have to lose everything just because they developed feelings for each other. But going off that, I'd hope that anyone who does develop feelings for each other and gets into a relationship would not let it leak onto the site. No harm in being happy ... just don't bring your drama here!
@BurningEmber
This thread and update is not about punishing people who devleop feelings. I wrote more about this process of feeling evolution here. This thread is about removing any grey area as to what will happen when these types of situations occur. We know they happen and many times they have a negative impact on the work we do here. We are not a dating site, we are professional community here with the goal of supporting one another. We cannot get distracted from the mission of 7 Cups. The community management team is here to facilitate healthy, professional and safe supportive interactions. All community guidelines need to align with the 7 Cups mission. Romantic feelings and dating, while a natural process (and not something we are in denial about), are not part of the 7 Cups mission. All guidelines need to encourage safe and healthy interactions and that is the goal with this update.
@Laura
while I thank you for trying to help remove the grey area, and I would never break this rule to begin with, I just wonder how easy is this rule to police and if maybe we should focus more on the quality of support in the GRs as I have been a member many times and do find that I get abused by newer listeners. I agree that 7cups is not a dating site nor should it be used as one. But yeah feelings do develop and I am glad that you aren't punishing them(?). Before you do they should at least be given a way to stop the feelings. In any case, I assume many people won't just stop their established relationships due to a rule and that's very hard to police. :/ I am just saying we should focus less on listeners' personal lives and more on how we as a community can stop the abuse of members and maybe even further encourage people not to gossip. If people didn't gossip, it wouldn't matter what people do with their own time. The saying "kiss don't tell" comes to mind. Overall, I am not disagreeing with the rule. I just feel other things might be getting overlooked.
@BurningEmber
when listeners personal lives make there way on to 7 Cups and negatively impact the community, we have a problem. There is no push to focus on this particular area, i agree, i do not need to know personal lives. But the personal comes on to 7 cups often, which is why we need to clearly spell this out.
We will be policing in so much as we are able given the reporting systmes we have. However, if we do come to find out something, taking action where appropriate to ensure safe interactions is the goal.
@Laura
yeah I don't disagree there. I don't think they should bring their personal lives to 7cups. If something happens, people be adults and don't gossip. Don't bring drama here and make it feel unsafe for others in a way. Thank you for trying to understand. :) maybe this drawn out rule will prevent future relationships and encourage people not to gossip about any they might think exist. Thanks.
@Phthalo
thank you for your feedback. These situations are often very complex. I know there is always a natural tendancy to want simple guidelines, but in my experience more details removes all grey area, specifics are imporant here.
Here's my attempt at a rewrite, inspired by several of the comments above. I'm hoping this mostly bans the things that need to be banned, while mostly permitting the things that need to be permitted.
17. Romantic and Sexual Relationships
Listeners and therapists may not use their listener or therapist accounts to form or to pursue their own romantic relationships or sexual activity of any kind. This is because it's unprofessional.
Member and guest accounts may not be used to form romantic relationships on 7 Cups, or for sexual activity of any kind on 7 Cups. Member and guest accounts may, however, be used to obtain and provide support for issues involving relationships, romance and sexuality.
18. Offsite Contact
7 Cups does not regulate how you behave offsite, including on social media and other websites, except that the use of your 7 Cups user name is restricted by this rule.
Do not reveal your 7 Cups user name in any situation where other people who are not personally known to you could contact you offsite.
When you refer people to 7 Cups, you can use your personal referral link. It contains a code number so that your user name is not revealed. Alternatively, refer people to the home page at 7cups.com, or to the app.
There is no exception to this rule for NAMI, for other 7 Cups partner organizations of any kind, or for social media accounts used by Social Soldiers.
@RarelyCharlie
I like this rewrite Charlie :) maybe laura will agree?
@RarelyCharlie
Thank you, I thinlk this makes more sense now. But will @laura agree though?
Oops, that would ban listeners' scheduling services, surveys, and other forms of offsite collaboration 
So maybe rule 18 has to be more complicated, like this:
There is an exception to this rule when you need other 7 Cups users to contact you with strictly limited information for a specific purpose (for example, scheduling chats or a survey). In this case, the name you use offsite must match your 7 Cups user name, and you must not either provide or request any other name or contact information.
@RarelyCharlie
@RarelyCharlie - Helpful! I especially like the clarification that you can receive support for romantic, relationship, and sexual struggles there since we wouldn't want it to come across that we cannot discuss anything of the kind! :)
@Anomalia
i like that aswell
@RarelyCharlie
Right now we have this -
Refrain from sharing personal contact information
including, but not limited to, social media accounts, home addresses, phone numbers, messaging apps/sites, or any other medium of contact off-site. Learn more about internet safety in this forum. If you use the scheduling tool YouCanBookMe, you are required to remove the email submission step. Learn how to do this here.
What about an integrated version of your #18 and this? I think it could work well
I agree, the rule 18 that I proposed and the existing rule 5 go together and they could be merged.
@Laura
@RarelyCharlie
@Affyavo wrote the below suggested edit:
It may happen that you feel attracted to someone who is attentive, kind and caring. However, as a professional community, we do not encourage or support romantic relationships developing on 7 Cups. Listeners are trained to maintain professionalism at all times. If on 7 Cups [you are in - delete this] a romantic relationship arises with another user (listener or member), please be advised that you are engaging in behavior that is outside of our community guidelines and we are not able to support that connection in any way. If this relationship comes to our attention, you may be subject to guideline violations related to sexting, off site contact or lacking professionalism. (You can learn more about how we manage sexting situations on 7 Cups here)
What about combination of what you have both written - something like this -
17. Romantic and Sexual Relationships
Listeners and therapists may not use their listener or therapist accounts to form or to pursue their own romantic relationships or sexual activity of any kind. This is because it's unprofessional.
Member and guest accounts may not be used to form romantic relationships on 7 Cups, or for sexual activity of any kind on 7 Cups. Member and guest accounts may, however, be used to obtain and provide support for issues involving relationships, romance and sexuality.
It may happen that you feel attracted to someone who is attentive, kind and caring. However, as a professional community, we do not encourage or support romantic relationships developing on 7 Cups. Listeners are trained to maintain professionalism at all times. If on 7 Cups a romantic relationship arises with another user (listener or member), please be advised that you are engaging in behavior that is outside of our community guidelines and we are not able to support that connection in any way. If this relationship comes to our attention, you may be subject to guideline violations related to sexting, off site contact or lacking professionalism. (You can learn more about how we manage sexting situations on 7 Cups here)
-- having both descriptions is even more clear and specific.
It seems to me there are some problems with the wording.
"we do not encourage or support romantic relationships developing on 7 Cups" — I think this is unclear. As a listener I have often supported people here with the development of their offsite romantic relationships, and I suppose pretty much every other listener has done that too. As for onsite romance, that is covered by the very first sentence of my proposal.
"Listeners are trained to maintain professionalism at all times." — I think this is unclear too. As listeners we are encouraged to use our member accounts or to take a break when we need support ourselves. We do not maintain professionalism at all times, only when we are logged in to our listener accounts. That's why I made a distinction between listeners or therapists, who must act professionally, and members or guests, who are not required to.
"If on 7 Cups a romantic relationship arises with another user (listener or member)..." — I think this does not go far enough. It should include aromantic sexual activity and relationships, and it should include therapists and guests. By the way, this is not to tell therapists how to behave, but more to tell members and guests that they can expect the same standards from therapists.
"we are not able to support that connection in any way" — I think this is an undesirable message. It might make someone think we would not support them as an individual if they foolishly developed romantic feelings for someone else on 7 Cups. Personally, I would hope we would be supportive to anyone no matter how foolish they have been.
"If this relationship comes to our attention, you may be subject to guideline violations related to sexting, off site contact or lacking professionalism." — Lacking professionalism, yes, in the case of a listener or therapist. However, a romantic attachment is not the same as sexting or off site contact, so I think this part is unclear. It makes it sound like if you express warmth you risk being falsely accused of sexting. In our chats here we can freely heart messages, and kisses are among the supported smileys.
So, overall I suggest cutting most of this extra text out, but perhaps some additional clarification would indeed be useful. Maybe like:
It may happen that you feel attracted to someone you meet on 7 Cups who is attentive, kind and caring, but at 7 Cups we do not allow feelings of attraction to develop into a romantic or sexual relationship. If you have feelings like this, or if you think someone feels this way about you, chat to another listener about ways you can manage the situation, but do this without naming the other party.
@Laura
@RarelyCharlie I like what you wrote. I was trying to just edit the wording that was mostly there already, but rewording while keeping the intended context (or at least what I assume is the intention) does clarify things better.
Yes, I could see that you were trying to keep the changes minimal, and I could see the sense in that, but I thought I'd try something different
@AffyAvo
@RarelyCharlie @affyavo
Putting both approaches together will surely help us all reach a common ground! Thanks you two
@RarelyCharlie pretty clear on every point