I've just come to terms with being transgender. How do I come out to my girlfriend of many years?

99 Answers
Last Updated: 09/05/2019 at 11:59pm
1 Tip to Feel Better
United States
Moderated by

Shawn Wilson, LCSW

Clinical Social Work/Therapist

I provide supportive counseling and psychotherapy. I utilize cognitive-behavioral and solution focused strategies to address client concerns. Personal coaching is available.

Top Rated Answers
LittleRock10
July 23rd, 2016 1:26am
Honestly is always the best policy. It might seem harsh but if she doesn't accept you for who you are, then she isn't worth any more of your time. Simply sit down and tell her, remember to be completely honest, as long as you trust her.
FrantasticTea
September 21st, 2016 11:18pm
Be honest with her; tell her the whole story. Be clear on what you want from this point on, and be patient in having this conversation with her. This might be overwhelming for her (maybe for you too), but just listen to each other, understand that this might need time, and be truthful.
Kaeneus
October 2nd, 2016 11:48pm
Firstly, congratulations! Coming to terms with your true gender is an incredibly hard thing to do, and the hardest step is accepting it in yourself. Coming out is almost always difficult. You know your girlfriend better than any of us do, but I would recommend honestly above all else. Perhaps you can begin, not by flat out stating that you are transgender, but just by mentioning that you have been having certain feelings lately, and try to ease her into the idea rather than telling her all at once. Be prepared for a variety of reaction and questions. She will probably ask you a lot and you need to be prepared to give honest answers.
listenercat5678
August 4th, 2016 12:42pm
Ask her if she knows anyone who is transgender/supportive. If she really loves you, she'd understand.
CharlieSharkie
May 15th, 2018 8:19pm
When I came out to my girlfriend after finding out I was non-binary, I broke the news to her in a subtle but honest way. Avoid sugar coating, avoid stalling. Give her plain fact, so that there's no room for misinterpretation. If she understands you and trusts you enough, she won't hold it against you or judge you for it, but be sure to give her some time to process the news.
Anonymous
July 29th, 2016 11:13pm
It'd probably be good to see if you can learn her stance on the trans community with questions about what she thinks about some recent trans-centric news. (Like that school that made trans students wear green wristbands for identification) Then if you ask her hypothetical questions about how she would feel if her partner was trans and it all seems well, it should be relatively safe to out yourself to her.
Anonymous
August 7th, 2016 6:19am
i would first randomly ask how she would've reacted when you guys met if you were the opposite sex and observe the reaction
ListeningBunny22
August 19th, 2016 3:30pm
To be straight, you should just be open about the situation don't hide anything go slow but be very honest.
Anonymous
September 1st, 2016 6:38pm
Honestly, you have to come out to her. This is who you are. she can't stop you from being yourself. I'm sure she can come to terms with it.
Anonymous
November 4th, 2016 5:03am
Be honest and true to yourself, expect the unexpected, and stand firm with your decision. Explain your feelings for her, what this changes and what doesn't change, be patient and answer all her questions. Be open and truthful.
MPersimmon
February 8th, 2017 6:40pm
Do it at your own time, don't feel pressured to come out if you aren't ready. Also be aware of her feelings, try to understand if she reacts negatively as this is a big deal to her as well as you.
Bubbleycatylistener
April 6th, 2018 9:26am
Don’t beat around the bush. You should tell your girlfriend straight. If your girlfriend really likes you she wouldn’t judge you by it but some people are different and want different things so don’t be annoyed if she rejects you. It is important you tell her though. She needs to know this. Good luck ❤️😊
Anonymous
April 11th, 2018 11:27pm
Hi, I understand this is a very hard topic. Even though this may be difficult. I believe this will lead you to being happy and as your best self. Start small, slowly present the idea to her. Then, if it's to hard to say out loud, write her a letter or even on a sticky note. After you do give her a while to proceed it. You've been thinking about this for years and she just found out. Then if she really does love you, I think she'll accept you for who you are.
Anonymous
August 12th, 2016 12:33pm
Coming out can be hard, even when you know your partner is accepting of transgender people, but it can help to just sit down and talk to her about it and tell her.
TheLuckyFox
August 12th, 2016 11:45pm
Honesty is always the best policy, and having facts and information available will likely be prudent. I'd do research, and make sure you have a great deal of information available for your girlfriend and be prepared to discuss the not-so-glamorous details! You might have just come to terms with it, but your girlfriend might not have even considered the possibility so it may come as a big surprise! For this reason, being gentle and giving her time and space to digest what is happening is probably going to be healthy and helpful, and don't forget there are many wonderful therapists that I'm sure would prove to be a big asset in your relationship during this time in your life; https://www.7cups.com/therapists/
Anonymous
August 17th, 2016 9:58pm
Well done! I cannot give you advice, but I hope you will find someway which you find fitting. I hope you well
LittleOleUs
September 3rd, 2016 11:06pm
Really think about it before you do it, don't just do it out of the blue. You should be kind and understanding, even if she doesn't understand or gets frustrated. Coming out can be hard for both parties, as much as we would like to deny that. Be ready to answer questions and provide further explanation. But what you need to make sure of most is that you're level-headed through the whole ordeal. However, let it come from your heart, and let her know how sincere you are. If you have been together that long, then she will understand and will still love you for who you choose to be. Don't be afraid.
Anonymous
September 25th, 2016 4:50am
You tell her like she is a child that needs to learn her alphabet, but instead of the alphabet you tell her everything she needs to know about being transgender. She will accept you because she loves you.
KrisisKontrol
October 5th, 2016 11:28pm
She fell in love with your personality, not your body. You will still be the same person inside, only now happier because you don't have to hide who you really are.
Ellsat2017
October 8th, 2016 9:38pm
It doesn't matter what gender someone is, and it does not change who you are. If your girlfriend loves you, she will accept you for who you are, and embrace who you are! Do whatever you need to do to be happy, because at the end of the day, that is the LEAST that you deserve. Be strong, be proud, and love yourself. I have every confidence that things will work out, and the fact that you and your girlfriend have been together for many years leads me to believe that she'll be just as loving and accepting as she has always been. Best of luck! And if you ever need me, you know where to find me :)
NyxCain
October 16th, 2016 11:26pm
Just saying it directly is usually the best option. She might be upset depending on the kind of person she is, so be absolutely sure you have accepted yourself for who you are.
KaiSupply
November 11th, 2016 6:55am
Just simply state it. If she is not accepting, explain it to her in a mature manner. The key is to not get angry, because anger just leads to more anger. Be mature, be accepting, be considerate, as well as try and influence her opinion and better understanding of who you are. But most of all, be mature and don't get angry- otherwise she may get angry.
Anonymous
November 20th, 2016 3:55am
In a quiet safe environment, while maintaining a calm attitude. It's important to have compassion, and understand what it would be like in her shoes. And, if she truly loves you, she will accept you for who you are.
JosephNPI
December 10th, 2016 10:02pm
Being transgender myself, I know it is hard to come out, its one of the hardest things to do and especially to somebody as important to you as your girlfriend. The most important thing is your own happiness and if you feel you need to come out to be authentically you then that's what you must do. At the end of the day, if she is your girlfriend then she will love you, and with love it means she should support you in your life. You should tell her how you feel and what you plan on doing regarding transition. If she does not accept you for who you are then you should aim to educate her on your feelings.
proudSoul20
December 16th, 2016 1:42pm
Sit her down and tell her "I have been feeling this way for a long time and I would like to talk with you about it. I am FtM Trans or MtF Trans, meaning I feel trapped in the wrong body"
Anonymous
December 18th, 2016 5:18pm
Coming out can be a nerve wracking experience. But remember that if you have been together for many years that your girlfriend likes you for you. Coming to terms with being transgender doesn't mean you are a different person, you are the same and you've just come to learn yourself better. Explain this to her, that is important. The better you explain, the easier it will be for her to understand what you have been dealing with.
loveandhappiness1
December 28th, 2016 5:44pm
First it's great you are being honest with yourself! But now it's time to be honest with her. She may react bad at first but if she really loves you she will come around. It's a big process! It all starts with being honest and confident!
xoxolove2
December 29th, 2016 7:08pm
Well talk about would she thinks about transgenders and and from there see what she thinks and then tell her about who you are and hopefully she'll be supportive
Pandapop82
January 1st, 2017 10:03pm
I have personal experience with this and I found that it's best to have an honest talk with her. You have been with them for many years so they should be willing to hear you out. My girlfriend took it quite well and although we are no longer together it was a very rewarding experience. It can take time because it's like telling someone you are different to what they thought, they have to get used to it and at times it will be hard. She might struggle with your pronouns, your name etc. But it can work out and now you understand yourself it is only fair to share that with your significant other.
dsmvi
January 20th, 2017 2:09am
This is no small task to be sure. Gender dysphoria is bound to have an effect on all relationships, sometimes good and sometimes not. Positive language is the best route in revealing anything about yourself and this is a positive thing. Frame this in a way of feeling finally like you understand yourself. There are thankfully now so many resources available that may not have been even only ten years ago. If you are comfortable doing so, offer to answer any questions your partner may have. Relationships are always work and they always require communication, no matter what changes life brings.