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I've just come to terms with being transgender. How do I come out to my girlfriend of many years?

127 Answers
Last Updated: 08/08/2021 at 1:42pm
1 Tip to Feel Better
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Top Rated Answers
January 20th, 2017 2:09am
This is no small task to be sure. Gender dysphoria is bound to have an effect on all relationships, sometimes good and sometimes not. Positive language is the best route in revealing anything about yourself and this is a positive thing. Frame this in a way of feeling finally like you understand yourself. There are thankfully now so many resources available that may not have been even only ten years ago. If you are comfortable doing so, offer to answer any questions your partner may have. Relationships are always work and they always require communication, no matter what changes life brings.
January 29th, 2017 5:47pm
It's completely normal to be nervous about such a thing. If your girlfriend loves you and if she cares about you, it won't make a lot of a difference whether you are transgender or not. Her love won't change. If she judges you and leaves you because of that, just think of it as if you got rid of a bad person and be grateful that she left. But if she truly deserves and loves you that will never happen.
February 17th, 2017 6:39pm
Take it slow - only come out if you feel 100% comfortable with it. There's nothing wrong about being trans*. Maybe talk to her, try to explain everything - how you feel, what your plans are and mostly about your relationship with her. And most important: Be proud of yourself and who you are. You can do this!
February 24th, 2017 5:04am
Before you begin to come out, you must approach your gf first that she should understand you no matter what, just spoke to her with honest and a sincere heart, Then you will see everything will follows. :) I hope your GF will understand you, I know she will. yes, she will be shock or hurt, but she will understand you I know.
March 16th, 2017 6:05am
If I have just come to the realization that I am transgender, I would build courage to tell her in a completely honest way when I am comfortable with myself so I can answer questions. I know that if we are in a good relationship she will stay with me.
March 22nd, 2017 2:18pm
I can give some perspective from the other side. My boyfriend of many years told me about him questioning his gender, probably transgender (mtf), year ago. He didn't come out to anyone else yet(hence I keep male pronounce), only I and this therapist know about this. In that year I tried to support him as much as I can and know how. At home with me, is the only place and time when he is himself. Our relationship is much stronger as we are more open about many things. So, when you feel comfortable an confident enough just tell her. If you've been together for long time, she might even suspect it. Just spent some quality time together and maybe ask her to not interrupt you and just hear you out and tell her.
March 24th, 2017 12:20am
Sit her down and be completely transparent and open with her, know it will be hard for her but if she truly loves you she will help you through it
April 1st, 2017 3:16am
Be honest and tell her that you need time to explore your gender identity. She may be upset but remember that this is the best for you and her.
April 20th, 2017 6:36am
Since I don't know you or your girlfriend personally, I can't say for sure the best way to go about it. If I could make a suggestion on leading up to it, I'd say talk to her a bit about someone trans* in the media and see how she reacts. Make sure she understands that you have not been hiding this from her, and that you're telling her this because you want to be honest with her and yourself.
April 27th, 2017 9:37pm
Coming out is a difficult process, and each person chooses to do it in their own way. The only general guideline is that the discussion surrounding it is heartfelt - be honest with yourself and with your partner about your feelings.
May 4th, 2017 6:02pm
Well speaking the truth out is the best way to express your feelings if you tell her out how much she means to you and how much you have affection for her she'll never accept to leave you everybody in the world has its right to live their lives!
May 4th, 2017 10:32pm
Sit down and express how you've been feeling about your gender and how transitioning will make you feel. If you are unsure of how your partner will react try and test the waters like mentioning something in the media to do with transgender people or watch a program with a trans person to find out their views on this topic. Be pacient as this is also a lot to get your head around
May 7th, 2017 10:47pm
This can be very hard. While I am not trans, but am NB, this is how I did it: I waited for it to be brought up in conversation and then I said "Hey, that's me, I'm Nonbinary!"
May 10th, 2017 10:22am
First you have to make sure you are in a stable relationship, meaning she is feeling secure with you and you are feeling secure with her. Then, try to understand her point of view, and begin the idea by saying something like "I really do care about you and love you, but there is something I need to express to you about myself that might have not been so easy for you to see about me, … ". When you put it like this you kind of make them feel safer in exploring you and getting their curiosity up. It might be a shock to them at first, but over time, and caring they could literally learn to re-explore the real you, not the illusion they thought they saw.
May 13th, 2017 8:17pm
It may seem complicated right now and it may be difficult to get your head around talking about the subject but it's very important that she is aware to ensure that you feel validated as the gender you are transitioning to. You could perhaps try explaining this to her and ask her if she has any other questions about it but despite the gender you identify as you are still YOU and you deserve to be loved and accepted for who you are as a person :) hope this helps a little
May 14th, 2017 10:15am
Your relationship has lasted many years and this is not easy task, you have love and understanding or you would not have lasted this long. Trust in the love your partner has for you not only as a lover but as a best friend. Trust in your bond.
June 14th, 2017 3:08am
Personally, id just straight up tell her. If she truly loves you, she won't care what your gender is.
June 24th, 2017 3:31am
It is probably best to be honest. If she does love you she will support you. She may not be especially excited and it will be overwhelming but you should just be honest.
June 30th, 2017 5:53am
That depends on how you feel she will view it. Do you think she will support you/do you know she supports trans? If so, it should be fine to just tell her. It may be best to sit down and have a talk with her about it.
July 5th, 2017 5:44am
This is a tough predicament. My partner actually just came out to me about this. We haven't been dating quite as long as you and your girlfriend, but basically they just told me in a calm way. Brought up that they were thinking about it for a while and keep coming back to it. It really depends on how she is generally about trans people also. My partner already knew that I was fine with trans people, so they probably felt more comfortable because of that. I would say ask her more generally about how she feels toward trans people before you share the news.
July 21st, 2017 10:59am
Sit down with her, tell her that the person she loved is still the same person make sure that you do it slowly and don't rush it in. Let her now that you will show her yourself she may or may not like it prepare yourself for it
July 28th, 2017 2:19am
There's no simple easy way of doing except being honest and straight forward, explain how you'd be happier and your feeling if she truly cares about you and your feelings she'll work through it. Even though, it may take time.
August 17th, 2017 2:53am
congratulations to coming to this point of your life. i know it's scary, but i promise you will be happier than you ever have been once you come out and transition. you have to be honest and raw with your girlfriend. if she doesn't support you, just know that she is not someone worth having in your life. you can do this. i believe in you.
October 14th, 2017 2:22pm
First off I need to tell you that you shouldn't feel ashamed for being trans and feel like you need to conform to society's standards because of the feeling of rejection. Easier said than done huh? I know. BUT: If you fear violence (any kind, verbal or physical) for coming out, I think the logical answer for that would be that you shouldn't be with people that would be violent towards you. Best thing is to keep away from them and eliminate them from your life. (someimtes it's better to stay quiet if you live in a transphobic place (it's up to you to decide.)) How do you think your girlfriend sees trans people? What do you think her reaction would be to your coming out? How educated do you think she is on the topic? If you are not sure, then maybe try to make a remark on trans people. Say how you saw a trans person today, how it made you feel, that you have a trans friend maybe or comment on something related to the topic. Be creative around that. Though I wouldn't suggest lying. See her reaction. It's really hard to come out, that I personally know. You might want to be patient and open to some weird or possibly unpleasant questions. I would suggest you understand that the person might not be as informed as you are. You can suggest watching a trans documentary (there are plenty on youtube) or maybe some trans youtubers (FTM: Chase Ross, Ty Turner, Ryan Cassata, Charlesasher, tyince; MTF - Chloe Arden, Stef Sanjati, Riley J Dennis are pretty good; Non-binary: Ash Hardell, Circle A Tatoo...) These are all quite infomrative channels on the topic :) If you feel like you can't get up to her and talk about it, maybe leaving a letter or a text would be nice and giving her time to think about it. Maybe you'd want to bring a supportive friend to help you explain things to her, or bring her for a talk with your counselor/therapist if they agree to it. There are many ways you can come out.. I hope this helps.
November 4th, 2017 6:30pm
Coming to terms to yourself about your identity is the most important thing. Coming out should be a safe process, and I advise you do so when you're absolutely sure you're in a safe condition. Assuming your girlfriend is supportive and loving, she'll still love you and support you as you thrive and transition. Maybe just sit down and give it to her full-frontal, it's okay to open up about raw feelings and emotions to your significant other. I hope things go well for you! Remember that no matter what, people love and accept you for who you are, and you can always come to 7cups if you need any extra support!
November 10th, 2017 1:29pm
You need to be honest. If she cares about you she will understand, so let her know yourself as soon as possible so she doesn't find out from someone else.
November 10th, 2017 1:59pm
She is your girlfriend and she should love you for the person you are. You being transgender does not make you a different person, you are still the same person on the inside and you are still the person she fell in love with. Just tell her how you have felt over the years and how you feel as though this is the person you are. She should accept this and prioritise your happiness over anything else.
November 16th, 2017 7:03am
If she loves you, she will stay with you no matter what. Someone who loves you will remain by your side no matter what you are or look like.
November 16th, 2017 5:37pm
Just be honest with her. I'm sure that she will be very understanding. Communication and honesty is the key
November 17th, 2017 4:14am
First off, congratulations on coming to terms with being transgender! That must have been really difficult and confusing at times. I'd recommend conveying your feelings to her, and weighing the pros and cons of what you should tell her based on how she reacts.