Relationship Stress Community Forum | Online Relationship Stress Groups

Tips for Dealing With Unhealthy and Abusive Relationships

by QuietMagic

Monday

...See more [TW: discussion of abuse] ------------------------- Types of relationships Relationships can be healthy, unhealthy, or abusive. 1) Healthy relationships Healthy relationships are not perfect, but most of the time they’ll have the following qualities: Respect, trust, and safety * Feeling supported by your partner and like you can rely on them * Maintaining respect even when there are differences or disagreements * Equal power when it comes to decision-making * Feeling like it is safe to be vulnerable and have emotional closeness Open communication * Being able to share things honestly without fearing punishment or ridicule * Being able to discuss sensitive topics like physical intimacy and economic/financial arrangements * Both people listen and try to understand and empathize with the other person's perspective Healthy boundaries * Respect for boundaries * Enjoy spending time together but can be happy apart * Okay to have some privacy and personal space * Okay to have your own interests, hobbies, and relationships with friends/family 2) Unhealthy relationships Unhealthy relationships lack some of the qualities listed above that are present in healthy relationships, for example: Lack of respect, trust, or safety * Not being able to explore or share feelings safely * Feeling like partner won't be supportive or listen if you share things * Feeling like if you share vulnerable things, your partner will use them against you * One person has all of the power to make decisions or is unwilling to compromise * One person’s needs and opinions are dismissed Communication issues * Not listening to what the other person has to say or having empathy * Ignoring, disrespecting, or minimizing feelings * Disagreements often turn into intense, hurtful fights * Frequent arguments without resolution * Avoiding discussing problems * Lying or dishonesty * Using insults, harsh criticism, or words designed to hurt during arguments Lack of respect for boundaries * Being coerced into doing things you don't want to do * Being pressured into only spending time with your partner * Strong jealousy and guilt-tripping when spending time with other people or on your own hobbies and interests * Being pressured into intimate or sexual activity * Invasion of privacy * Lack of respect for personal space or belongings 3) Abusive relationships Abusive relationships are similar to unhealthy relationships but also include a pattern of one person manipulating or frightening the other, usually to maintain power and control. Destruction of safety and trust * Threats (or acting on threats) to hurt you, themselves, loved ones, or pets * Threats (or acting on threats) to destroy things you own * Threats (or acting on threats) to spread rumors, share secrets, or share private photos/videos * Physical harm such as hitting, slapping, pushing, or restraining against your will * Physical or sexual touching that you do not consent to Harmful communication * Saying degrading, intimidating, demeaning, or humiliating things * Treating ideas, feelings, and experiences with contempt * Intolerance of disagreement and dismissing perspective completely * Blaming you for their problems and making you feel responsible for their behavior Absence of boundaries: isolation * Trying to prevent you from seeing friends/family or go to school/work * Pressuring to spend all of your time with them or guilt-tripping for not doing so * Trying to persuade you that other relationships don't matter or that they are the only one who cares about you * Telling you to not talk to anyone else or reach out for help about the relationship Absence of boundaries: control * Reading text messages, e-mails, or social media messages without permission * Trying to monitor and control what you wear, where you go, and who you spend time with * Expressing extreme jealousy and constantly checking up on you ------------------------- Tips for unhealthy relationships 1) Deciding whether to stay in a relationship If you’ve been trying to work on the relationship for a while, it may be worth asking whether the relationship is worth keeping. Some signs that the relationship is still worth working on and trying to improve: * You’re both willing to accept responsibility for things that need improving and work on trying to change them * You both haven’t given up on trying to improve things * You still trust each other enough to be vulnerable and forgive past mistakes * You still care about each other’s well-being * You’re still emotionally close Some signs that the relationship may not be worth trying to save: * You’ve both given up on things improving * You’re no longer emotionally or physically close * You have insurmountable differences in your values and goals * You no longer trust each other * It’s difficult to imagine being together in the future * The relationship has become abusive 2) Healthy communication Couples who have lasting and satisfying relationships tend to follow certain patterns in how they communicate with one another. Use “LARA” for difficult conversations: * Listen: listen with the goal of understanding * Affirm: confirm that you understand what's been said and try to find common ground or something they’ve shared that you can agree with * Respond: respond directly to any concerns or questions they’ve shared rather than talking past what they’ve said * Add: add your own perspective Use “I” statements: * This means using phrases like “I feel”, “I think”, and “I believe” when sharing things or giving feedback * This can help to avoid blaming or attacking the other person while communicating Use assertive communication: This is one of four communication styles: * Passive communication: being hesitant to share things; can lead to unmet needs * Aggressive communication: disregarding the other person's feelings; can lead to increased conflict * Passive-aggressive communication: expressing frustration indirectly (e.g. sarcasm, silence, subtle jabs); can create confusion or distrust * Assertive communication: expressing needs and feelings clearly while respecting the other person's perspective; helps build understanding and resolve conflicts 3) Healthy boundaries Boundaries are the limits, rules, and expectations that we establish for relationships with others. Some examples of boundaries: * Freedom to have your own thoughts or opinions * Limits on how much time you spend with someone * Control over privacy, space, and your body * Limits on what topics you are willing to discuss * Limits on how much emotional support you offer someone else One framework that can be used for communicating boundaries is DEAR MAN: * Describe: describe the situation * Express: express your feelings * Assert: state what you want * Reinforce: explain how the other person will benefit * Mindful: stay focused on your goal * Appear confident: present yourself as confident * Negotiate: be flexible and open to alternative solutions 4) Self-care Self-care is doing things that help with taking care of your well-being. Some benefits of self-care in the context of relationships: * Can help build resilience to stress so that difficult interactions don't affect you as much * Can help you recharge and recover after difficult interactions * Can help you have the personal resources to be able to engage with people effectively Some examples of self-care: * Taking care of your body through exercise, diet, and sleep * Setting aside some time for yourself to engage in hobbies or activities that bring you joy or relaxation * Connecting with friends or loved ones you enjoy spending time with * Acknowledging and processing emotions, for example through journaling or talking to a therapist * Engaging in spiritual practices like prayer, mindfulness, meditation, or yoga ------------------------- Tips for abusive relationships Why people stay in abusive relationships People in abusive situations often have good reasons for staying: * Fear of physical harm/injury if they try to leave * Fear of harm to friends, family, pets, or people who are trying to help them leaving * Fear of abuser taking away children or the challenges of being a single parent * Not having the means to leave or live alone, financial dependence on abuser * Having established relative control within the abusive situation (e.g. being able to predict partner's moods and skillfully manage them to minimize abuse) * Abuser has promised that things will get better or that abuse won't happen again * Feeling guilt at the idea of abandoning abuser or feeling a responsibility to help them * Caring for partner and still feeling love toward them and wanting the relationship to work * Feeling like they deserve the abuse or won't find anything better if they leave Staying safe while in an abusive relationship These are some things that can be helpful if you are not able or willing to leave an abusive relationship: * Find safe ways to communicate with friends and family (e.g. private phone, computer in a safe/trusted place) * Have a safety plan for different situations (e.g. what to do during incidents, keeping children safe). Here are a couple resources that might be helpful: https://www.dvccct.org/wp-content/uploads/2020/03/Domestic-Violence-Safety-Plan-DVCC-.pdf https://www.courts.oregon.gov/programs/family/domestic-violence/Documents/DVSafetyPlan.pdf * Reach out for support to a crisis line, counselor, advocacy group, or local services * Build as strong of a social support network as your partner will allow * Be kind to yourself and engage in self-care activities as you're able to [You can also review the tips listed above for unhealthy relationships and see if there are any items there that feel helpful or like you’d be able to implement them without risking your safety.] Leaving an abusive relationship These are some things that can be helpful if you are considering or planning to leave an abusive relationship: * Use a secure phone or computer while researching and planning how to leave * Notify trusted friends, family, and coworkers of your situation and any plans you have * Decide where you'll go. Domestic violence shelters can temporarily provide for living needs and help provide referrals to other services (e.g. legal help, counseling/-support, child care, employment programs, etc.). You may also be able to find long-term housing options or assistance programs. * Pack an emergency bag with essentials (e.g. clothes, medication, documents, items for children) * If able to do so without causing suspicion, change the passwords to your e-mail, social media, and financial accounts * Have a safety plan for different situations that might occur after you leave. Here are a couple resources that might be helpful: https://www.dvccct.org/wp-content/uploads/2020/03/Domestic-Violence-Safety-Plan-DVCC-.pdf https://www.courts.oregon.gov/programs/family/domestic-violence/Documents/DVSafetyPlan.pdf [Note: these tips mostly apply to domestic abuse situations where someone is living with their abuser] ------------------------- Sources The information above is condensed from the following resources. If you want more information about a particular topic, feel free to visit these links. Types of relationships https://www.uwyo.edu/dos/sexualmisconduct/healthy-relationships.html https://www.colorado.edu/ova/healthy-unhealthy-and-abusive-behaviors-relationships https://www.northwestern.edu/care/get-info/relationship-violence/healthy-and-unhealthy-relationships.html Whether to stay in a relationship https://www.verywellmind.com/how-to-know-if-your-relationship-is-worth-saving-5190891 https://www.healthline.com/health/toxic-relationship#can-it-improve Healthy communication https://positivepsychology.com/communication-in-relationships/ https://sparqtools.org/lara/ https://wellbeingscounselling.ca/the-power-of-i-statements/ Boundaries https://positivepsychology.com/great-self-care-setting-healthy-boundaries/ https://dbt.tools/interpersonal_effectiveness/dear-man.php Self-care https://turningpointcare.com/blog/7-tips-for-practicing-self-care/ Staying in an abusive relationship https://knowmore.fsu.edu/helping-healing/why-victims-stay https://www.health.mil/Military-Health-Topics/Centers-of-Excellence/Psychological-Health-Center-of-Excellence/Real-Warriors-Campaign/Articles/5-Tips-for-Staying-Safe-in-an-Abusive-Relationship Safety plans https://www.dvccct.org/wp-content/uploads/2020/03/Domestic-Violence-Safety-Plan-DVCC-.pdf https://www.courts.oregon.gov/programs/family/domestic-violence/Documents/DVSafetyPlan.pdf Leaving an abusive relationship https://www.projectwomanohio.org/blog/navigating-the-exit-how-to-leave-an-abusive-relationship https://www.helpguide.org/relationships/domestic-abuse/getting-out-of-an-abusive-relationship

Relationship

by radee

August 9th

When your spouse can't handle stress

by exuberantMango5603

July 31st

im afraid of not loving my girlfriend

by blueGrapes7235

July 22nd

Girlfriend in serious financial trouble; how can we move forward?

by curiosityseeker

July 14th

...See more I (51M) have been in a LTR with a 51F for 10 years. We do not live together. She rents a house and lives with her mother. She has an 18-year-old son who splits time between her and his dad, who lives very close by. (Now that he's graduated HS there is no longer a custody schedule or child support payments). I rent a 1BR apt about 30 minutes away. I love her deeply, but we have been stuck at the same point for a long time now. The reasons for me not proposing are two-fold: 1) financial stability (for both of us, but particularly her) and 2) she cannot keep a clutter-free home, due primarily to Executive Dysfunction, and I need to be in a mostly-clutter free space. I have worked two + jobs for years, primarily a FT job in childcare and a PT job in a restaurant. She has had challenges staying employed. She currently has a part-time and seasonal job that will pause after September. Before this her last job was a FT one from which she was dismissed in May of 2024. She is a very lovely person. She gives tremendous support. We have wonderful times together. But the financial stress has been and is crushing. And now she has been served a pay-rent-or-quit notice. Three days have elapsed so at any moment now the landlord can begin the eviction process. Although I have savings, I don't feel like giving her money is the answer. I've been trying to get her to access every possible resource and she hasn't been consistent with her efforts in this regard. (I'm sympathetic that this is largely due to anxiety issues). I've been hoping she'd stretch more outside her comfort zone in the occupational arena (again, anxiety - as well as some physical limitations - are influences but not excuses). So much logic tells me this relationship can never blossom into marriage (which is what we both want) and that I should have ended it some years ago. However, we now are where we are and I'm completely torn. I can take her in if she can find a separate space for her mother (my lease will only permit two) but I have hesitation in doing that because once the PT job ends if she has failed to line up anything else she would have no income at all, and while I could continue to cover rent managing other expenses would be challenging. I feel stupid for letting it get to this point. I don't know what to do. It would kill my soul to see her end up on the street. It would also kill my soul if she moves in but can't get work.

How can you make yourself to accept a break up and not being anxious about how he continues life?

by Eva144

July 7th

...See more I was in a 6-year relationship, and I honestly feel like I'm breaking inside trying to understand what was real and what wasn't. Whenever I tried to explain that I felt hurt, disconnected, or insecure, the conversation almost always turned into a discussion of how I was "too much," "jealous," "dramatic," or "creating problems." Instead of leaving those conversations feeling understood, I usually left feeling like my emotions were the problem. What makes this so confusing is that I don't feel like my anxiety appeared out of nowhere. It grew over years of feeling emotionally neglected. One of the biggest things was that our relationship was a secret for all six years. His explanation was that one of our mutual friends is also my ex-boyfriend, and he wanted to be the one to tell him himself. He kept saying he was waiting for the "right time." I understood you wanted to handle that conversation yourself at the start. If this had lasted a few months, I probably wouldn't have thought much of it. But six years passed, and the "right time" never came. We weren't married. We didn't have children. My previous relationship had been over for years and there was nothing left there. Yet somehow our relationship still couldn't exist openly. After six years, it stopped feeling like "I'm waiting for the right moment" and started feeling like I was being hidden. Whether that was his intention or not, that's how it felt to me. It made me question my place in his life and slowly damaged my sense of security. Early in our relationship, something happened that completely broke my trust. He continued spending time with his ex, even after I told him how much it hurt me. They went to the beach together, had lunch together, and he even re-followed her on social media after I had already explained how painful that was for me. I never got a genuine apology. I was expected to move on, while I was left wondering why my feelings weren't important enough for him to change his behavior. As the years went on, there were so many smaller moments that kept reinforcing those feelings. He would suddenly tell me he was already in another city or already out with friends after we'd been texting all day, instead of mentioning his plans beforehand. It happened enough that I stopped feeling like I was naturally included in his life. Whenever I brought this up, I wasn't asking him to ask permission to go anywhere. I just wanted to feel like his partner instead of someone who found out after everything had already been decided. When we were together, he was often emotionally unavailable. Sometimes he'd spend our time on his phone, say he was tired, fall asleep, or simply not engage with me. If I said I felt distant from him, he'd often tell me he couldn't deal with the conversation "right now." One moment that really broke me happened just before we ended things. He invited me over to his apartment before football because he wanted to see me. I rushed there because I was excited to spend time together. But when I arrived, he lay down on another bed, barely talked to me, spent time on his phone, and kept saying he didn't feel well. I told him I felt so emotionally distant from him and that I really needed some reassurance—a hug, a kiss, even just hearing "I love you." I wasn't asking for a grand gesture. I just wanted to feel close to him. Instead, nothing happened. A while later, the first thing he asked me was whether I would go buy him a toast because he was hungry. I said no. Not because I didn't care that he felt unwell, but because after years of putting my own emotional needs aside, I couldn't ignore them one more time. I needed, for once, for my need to matter too. The argument ended with him calling me selfish because I wouldn't buy him food while he felt sick. From my perspective, I'd spent years feeling like every time I needed comfort, reassurance, affection, or emotional presence, there was always a reason why it couldn't happen right now. Whenever I cried, he rarely comforted me. More often, he became frustrated, withdrew, or told me we were simply incompatible. From his perspective, I'm exhausting. I'm too emotional. I create conflict. I don't appreciate what he does. He says a relationship should bring peace, and that I'm the reason it doesn't. From my perspective, I spent years fighting for what felt like basic emotional connection: communication, reassurance, affection, and feeling chosen. Now I'm left wondering if I really was impossible to love, or if I slowly became anxious because I spent years feeling emotionally unsafe. I know I wasn't perfect. I know I became reactive, emotional, and sometimes suspicious. But I genuinely believe those reactions came after years of feeling hidden, emotionally dismissed, and constantly having my needs postponed. Now it's over, because he cannot put up with my *** and nagging. He also said that relationship should make your life better, and healthier and that's true, but he never did those things with me, what a hypocrite. And I'm grieving not only the relationship, but also questioning my own reality. Was I actually asking for too much? I'd really appreciate honest outside perspectives because right now I don't trust my own judgment anymore. tl;dr I think my boyfriend has been *** to me, but I can't let go because I keep thinking he will find someone who will make the happiest and be the ideal boyfriend. That affects my health so much and I can't understand why.

Learning to Let Go Without Loving Less

by SoulHeaven

June 21st

...See more Attachment & Detachment ‎ ‎I think one of the saddest things about being human is that we get attached to almost everything that makes us feel alive. ‎A person who listens to us when nobody else does. A conversation we keep replaying in our head. A dream we spent years building. A version of the future that felt so certain. ‎And then one day, life changes. ‎People leave. Feelings change. Plans fall apart. Distances grow. And we are left holding on to something that no longer exists the way it once did. ‎For a long time, I thought detachment meant not caring. But I was wrong. ‎Detachment isn't about loving less. It's about understanding that not everything we love is meant to stay. It's accepting that some people become a chapter, not the whole story. ‎The truth is, we suffer most when we try to force permanence on things that were never promised to be permanent. ‎Some of the people we miss were never meant to walk with us forever. They came into our lives, changed us in some way, and moved on. That doesn't make the connection any less real. ‎Growing up is realizing that you can love someone and still let them go. You can miss them and still move forward. You can carry the memories without carrying the weight. ‎Maybe detachment is simply making peace with the fact that life keeps moving, whether we're ready or not. ‎And maybe healing begins the moment we stop asking, "Why didn't it stay?" and start appreciating that it happened at all. ‎Some people leave your life, but they never leave your heart. And that's okay. ‎Not every story is meant to last forever. Some stories are meant to change you forever. ❤️ ‎ ‎The heart grows when it learns to say: ‎"Thank you for the memories, thank you for the lessons, and thank you for the love. I release you with gratitude, not resentment."❤️❤️❤️

I can’t stop overthinking, I feel like a burden

by marie677

June 15th

...See more I can’t take it anymore, suddenly I’m okay then suddenly I’m not because my brain decides to generate negative and unrealistic scenarios. My gf hasn’t talked to me or spent time with me for months. She’d check in once or twice a month but I understood she was busy or on vacation at places with super *** signal, and it really was the truth. I’m sure it’s the truth because her circumstances seem understandable. But even if I knew that, I was always somehow convinced she was making excuses or lying. The thoughts in my head are feeding off of my fears and past scars. It sometimes hurts to feel like i’m just adding onto her stress by telling her I don’t feel well emotionally. I’ve become a responsibility. A chore. I don’t know if I’m just being hard on myself by thinking like “Here I go again, i’m overthinking, i’m stressing her out, but if I hide it she will feel sad”. Me and my gf have fought about my mental health. I don’t know if it was valid for me to ask her to try and understand that it isn’t easy, but hearing things like “here we go again” or “there goes my efforts” really hurt. I have made it clear that my mental health is something she can be concerned with, something she can support me with, but she has to know she isn’t completely responsible for it. But she ends up feeling like she isn’t enough and just mad at me because maybe i’m not trying to help myself because she doesn’t see any improvements. I end up spiraling for so many reasons. It starts with a random thought, turns into really bad anxiety, then I feel pressured about feeling this way, then suddenly i’m crying about every single problem and everything in the world. I overthink if she could still be talking to her ex. Maybe she’s hiding something from me? I start to get obsessive behavior and constantly check all of her accounts and secret alt accounts. Checking her location and posts. I start thinking if she could be ignoring me. How could she ignore me? But at the end of all it, I realize that she just always has a reason (well yeah I did know she just moved in at a new place and currently has no data or wifi). Why do I believe everything that my head feeds me, but find it so hard to believe what she says? Yes, I know she’s hurted me in the past, but she tells me she tries to change or that she was stressed because she was busy. I don’t know anymore, i’m going back to circles and making different points but it feels so tiring and overwhelming in my head. It’s all just “but she said this before!” then “wait but she told me this too so she could be telling the truth”. I’m tired, and I don’t know how to get out of this. I try to considerate her feelings too and I have done my best to know her side which I completely understand. But I try to ground myself but nothing works anymore. I don’t know what’s real. I don’t know who’s words to believe. I try to distract myself, but it always finds a way. I just really wanted to put this out there for those who might need the same advice and to hear from those who may be going through the same thing. But other than that, I want to say if you’ve gotten this far to reading till the very end, thank you for your time! ^^

Trying to quit old habits.

by Eepyfoxo

June 3rd

Let’s Talk Love (Light & Fun Edition) 🤍

by thoughtfulWings2886

April 18th

Partner overcoming drug addiction

by thoughtfulHouse4290

April 3rd

Trying to understand long term compatibility after trauma and broken trust

by oliveDrum3589

February 20th

...See more Hey you all <3 I’m not here to debate my boundaries. Pornography and explicit content are a hard boundary for me , with or without trauma. This was communicated clearly before my partner and I became intimate. He agreed. Some background for context (not for pity): I survived a severely abusive relationship that ended with him going to jail. During that relationship he strangled me to the point where I almost lost my life. Before that, my son’s father had a significant issue with pornography consumption and repeatedly lied to me about it. There was a lot of secrecy and behavior behind my back. Combined with his emotional absence during and after my pregnancy, this led to a severe postpartum depression. I also grew up in an emotionally and sometimes physically abusive household, with a sexually abusive father. I moved out at 17. After the violent relationship, I lived in a protected house for women who experienced abuse. I rebuilt my life from scratch. I worked extremely hard on my healing. I became mentally stable, confident, spiritually grounded (not religious, but deeply focused on integrity, self-respect and how to treat others). I was doing sports, advancing in my career, and genuinely proud of the foundation I rebuilt. When my current boyfriend crossed my clearly communicated boundary by watching porn and explicit content, it shattered that foundation. Not because I feel insecure or jealous , I don’t. I’m confident in myself and I don’t fear losing him. It’s about alignment and integrity. What hurt the most was not the act itself, but the feeling that something sacred I rebuilt inside myself broke again. I even ordered a Bible recently , not because I suddenly became religious, but because I felt so destabilized that I was searching for something grounding, something pure, something bigger than the chaos I felt inside. That’s how deeply this impacted me. He knows my full history. He knows how deeply this topic is connected to past betrayal and trauma. He has been affectionate and supportive in many ways and even went to a psychologist regarding this issue. However, I keep experiencing situations like this: When he thinks I’m not looking, I catch him clicking on women’s profiles and looking at their photos longer than just a passing glance. Recently, I saw him click on a profile of a woman who commented under another attractive woman’s post ,not even the original creator. When I brought it up calmly, he initially said, “Huh? I don’t remember.” Later he said he just liked the content and wanted to check if she had more. Short glances don’t bother me. We’re human. But actively clicking profiles and intentionally looking feels different , especially given the history of broken trust around explicit content, both in this relationship and in my past. I communicate calmly. I don’t yell. I don’t accuse. I explain how certain behaviors affect me. He tries to reassure me. But my nervous system is currently overloaded (PTSD and depression, medically diagnosed, currently on antidepressants). And I genuinely want neutral perspectives. My question is not “is he allowed to look?” My question is: Is this a fundamental incompatibility in values and self-discipline? Or am I expecting a level of restraint that most people realistically wouldn’t maintain? I don’t want to police someone. But I also don’t want to slowly harden inside because I feel misaligned again. Neutral perspectives appreciated.

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