Does anyone find a reluctance to give up depression? Whenever I try to feel happy inside, I experience a major push back, reluctance to embracing happiness. Anyone found this and how to overcome it?

Yes. I feel as if a lot of us experience this, but are guilty or ashamed to express it. When you get used to seeing yourself in a certain way and perceiving your world in dark and grim colors, it is extremely difficult to recognize vibrant and lively colors. Living with depression often means you have to adjust to it in order to keep on going. I haven’t completely overcome it, but I have improved a lot. I suggest you to ease into it. When something good happens, let it be what it is in that moment. If it passes, it doesn’t make it less valid. When it’s there, try not to fight it but try not to completely immerse yourself in it to the point of obsession either. Try to just let it be and let yourself be. It is a rough road and it’s going to be patchy and bumpy. Expect that and let it wash over you sometimes. You will get there with time and patience and forgiveness towards yourself. Good luck and take care.

I find it difficult because when I am feeling happy or in a better mood or productive, my brain hops in and throws tons of "you are worthless", "you will never be good enough", "nobody cares about you", anything it can to kill my mood. It seems like every step forward in my healing process, I take 10 steps back. I have just started trying to be kinder to myself, and give myself grace in everything I do. So if I clean 5 dishes and my brain says that I'm not good enough, I try and remind myself that 5 dishes done is better than 0 dishes done. I fight back against the depressive thoughts by constantly acknowledging the little steps I'm taking to be better.