I'm love with my best friend, but she's straight. What do I do?
Last Updated: 12/25/2020 at 5:22pm
Brittany Kelley, MSW, LCSW
Clinical Social Work/Therapist
I am a psychodynamically trained clinical social worker. I find assisting women and families through difficult times an extremely rewarding and collaborative process.
Top Rated Answers
She is your best friend, like you said. So obviously she understands you. And this is why you should talk to her. She will understand and this will help you get over her as well. And maybe it works out, if you're lucky enough. :)
I think you should talk to her privately and tell her your feelings. Be honest and kind. If she really is your best friend, she'll be kind to you even if she doesn't romantically love you back. If she treats you badly and severes your friendship, then she wasn't there for you in the first place. Love really is an important aspect of life and you should be open about it to those you love. If you need to talk about it, we listeners are always here for you! Take Care!Hugs!
You can't help how you feel but ultimately the relationship will not materialise. Take up a new hobby and find something you love to take your mind off things!
I'd be honest with your friend on how you feel for them. You shared they are your "best" friend. So I'm guessing they might understand you. Also be open to their feedback on you sharing with them on how you feel. Good luck!
I totally understand how you feel. Have you came out to her yet? If you don’t feel comfortable with telling her that you like her, it’s good to drop subtle hints.
I don’t want to give you advice because I don’t want you to do the wrong thing, but personally I would talk to her and see how she feels. Some people stay closeted regardless of who around them is out, so you may not know if she’s bi or pan or just straight.
This is an unfortunate crush, but be honest to them about your feelings. It'll help you work through them.
Been there, done that. It's the absolute worst and you can't do anything about it. You can't force yourself to stop loving her nor can you force her to love you. The one thing that could possibly bring you a little peace of mind is telling her. Personally I never had the guts to do so, but sometimes I look back and wish I had, just for my own comfort.
From personal experience, you just have to accept the facts and stop putting yourself through the worst type of pain. It takes time to get over it. But you’ll find someone who wants reciprocated those feelings.
You need to be honest with your feelings. Not letting your friend know may cause unnecessary awkwardness and leave you prone to read into most interactions too much. Opening that line of communication can also help you take your best friend's feelings into consideration, because regardless of whether or not the feelings are reciprocated, your best friend cares about you and your well being.
Many people have been there, including me. Relying on my own experience, it is best to explain to yourself that it just can't possibly work out. Even if you ended up in a relationship with her, you could not be really happy together. I managed to get over it only after a while. It is important for you to take your time and not expect to just stop having feelings for her all of a sudden, although that might happen too. Relying on what my friends have told me, it is also helpful to distance yourself a little bit from that person, maybe meet someone new, hang out with other people.
If you are certain, thats she's straight, then It will only hurt you even if you express your feelings and she respects them. She may be mature and sweet and enough to still stay your bestie, but won't it hurt you to not receive the same love, or when you see her with someone else, in this case, a guy. Hence, better to move on. Cause she certainly can't change her natural orientation, just like you. May you find the guidance and right understanding, for way forward. Also, it is okay to express her what you feel. If she's your bestie, she'll understand.
Talk to her about it. Be completely open and honset with her. You never know if she is feeling the same way as you and doesn't want to mention it to you because she is also scared. It could go either way. She could have mutual feelings and the two of you could start dating and end up living happily ever after, or she doesn't have the same feelings. But then again if she doesn't have the same feelings for you it could go two ways..she could feel super awkward, or she will understand but act like nothing happened. I say go for it!
This happened to me once, I told her how I felt and even though she didn't feel the same way that openness gave me the space to process those feelings and get back to how things were before those feelings developed. Now it's like that never happened and I have a beautiful girlfriend who I am happy with. That same friend I had feelings for is also in a happy relationship. We're all friends and my partner and I go over to their house for dinner sometimes. It'll all work out in time if you give yourself the time to process those feelings without feeling guilty about it.
Try and figure out what makes you attracted to her and try and pull what you don't like about her This can give you something to think about, would she really be the right person for you to be with, what would it do to both your lives. Also consider (if you haven't) telling her you are lgbtq and that you have feelings for someone, but don't disclose who it is. It can bring down at least one wall that is between you two. And put you one step closer to feeling safe in you decision on what you should do.
First off, try to know if your friend is supportive of homosexuality and then proceed to ask them stuff like “what if someone from the same sex had a crush on you?” Record all such answers and draw conclusion wether confessing about your feelings to her is safe and healthy for your friendship or not ❤️ Also, it’s okay if you do not confess, it’s okay to not tell her about it, as long as it keeps the friendship intact. I don’t think you’d want that ruined. Even if you do confess of your feelings to her and she gives a positive/negative response, be content with what you have as its okay, not everyone is made for us
I know you probably don't want to hear this answer but there isn't anything you can really do. Respect your friend's sexuality and choices. Whatever you do, DO NOT TRY TO CHANGE THEIR SEXUALITY! Put yourself in your friend's shoes. What would you do if a boy was in love you and kept trying to convince you to be straight? You wouldn't like it, right? It's your choice whether to tell your friend or not. If I was in your position, I would not say anything. Although, I don't know the full details. I wish you the best of luck!
I think you should tell her that you're in love with her. The worst thing that can happen is her telling you that she doesn't feel the same way. But if she is straight, there's nothing you can or should do to change that. You should respect her sexuality and try to somehow move on. It's not the end of the world, there are tons of other people around that are worthy of your love and I'm sure that someone else will make you fall for them. Just stay positive and calm. Respect her and her feelings, just the way she should respect you.
As a queer person that’s struggled with the same thing - it might be best to try to get over her. I know that’s easier said then done, but you have to respect her boundaries. Of course, a lot of other things can play into this - if she’s ok with you having romantic feelings for her and your relationship with her in general. Falling for straight girls hurts, and to be honest, it usually doesn’t end well. But if she is ok with you having feelings for her, just...see where it goes. Don’t make her uncomfortable, respect her boundaries, and make sure to communicate with her,
The only thing you can do is tell her how you feel and go from there. Even if she doesn't feel that way about you at least you will know and not have to question it. Unfortunately you can't force someone to be into you, but given that you are friends this is a secret that will weigh you down the longer you hold it in. Just be honest with her. Don't have high expectations because from the sounds of it she is 100% straight. She may be flattered though. Who knows. If it's nawing at you , tell her
Talk to her about it. If she’s your best friend she’ll understand and for all you know, she’s straight but questioning. Let her know how you feel and she’ll let you know how she feels. You’ll never know if you don’t try. If it doesn’t go your way then that’s okay! Just take a deep breath and you’ll find your way around it. Just make sure you’re safe and secure before telling her how you feel and make sure you’re ready for the situation. The fact you’ve admitted it to yourself is a great start on its own. Your doing great. We’ve all had moments like this!
You can show your love for someone without putting the pressure on them to love you back in the same way. I think it is important to not expect your friend to change for you, but loving her is not wrong. You can love her without needing her to love you that way. If she feels uncomfortable when you express your feelings about her then you should make sure you are acting in a respectful way that doesn't push aside her needs. Your needs are valid but you cannot force others to reciprocate or have the same needs as you.
It is quite difficult to deal with such situation, mostly it makes you depressed and frustrated because you are unable to express how you feelings and sometimes you just wish that it never happened, telling your friend how you feel can put your friendship at risk but that's the risk you have to take, just tell her how you feel and tell her that if she doesn't feel the same you are still happy to be her friend, make it comfortable for her to understand. Also be ready for the rejection and don't be sad there are many girls out there.
If she's straight there isn't anything you can do but move on. You have to accept it. I'm in the same situation but working on moving forward. I wish you the best of luck and I hope everything goes well. If you feel comfortable, maybe tell her the feelings you have? You could work through it together if that's something you feel is possible. ♥️ I hope it goes well for you and that you're able to move on in a healthy way. Also know that even if the feelings are very intense, that doesn't always mean its a sign of something that's meant to happen. If she's straight than you guys are meant to be friends.
I feel you. I, too, am in love with a close friend of mine who is straight. You really only have two options: 1. Accept that she isn’t into you and move on 2. Wait for her to like you back (if she ever does) Most people would say to go with the first option, but I know how hard that can be, so honestly just do whichever one feels more right to you. And yes, many people have been successful with option 2. So just don’t be afraid and confess your feelings to her if you think that’s the right thing to do. Who knows, maybe she’s questioning her sexuality?
I think you should focus on other things for a while to get her off your mind. I'm actually facing a similar problem and it really helps to have some time for yourself. Stay close to her as a friend and be there for her but don't encourage your feelings. Remember not to force yourself on her because her sexual identity is as valid as yours. Try your best to balance your friendship and feelings. In the end the best thing I can tell you to do is focus on other things and have some time for yourself. Whether it be reading a book, taking a walk, doing a face mask, etc, just take some time out of your day to do things for you.
Writing a letter is a good way to express your feelings while still keeping some distance. That way, you can more easily manage your emotions and you don't have to worry about reading her facial expressions. You can say exactly how you feel, and be confident about it. Then, you can let her take the time to reflect on what it means to her. If she doesn't want it to be brought up again, at least your mind will be at peace and you won't be wondering what you should have done. In the letter, you can also add something about how you want to keep your friendship intact no matter what!
That certainly sounds like a very stressful situation you're in. It's okay to feel how you're feeling, it's natural and healthy to be attracted to whoever you are. It might seem very hard, but showing your best friend that you respect both her and her choices will leave you both with a stronger friendship. There's nothing wrong with being in love while still respecting who caught your eye. If she states that she feels like she is straight, then being there for her even if she feels a different form of love towards you is the best course of actions.
Always be true to yourself, how you feel, what you need, and what you want. When you're true to yourself you cant let yourself down. Be transparent, and honest. If they're your best friend they're gonna take you seriously, and they will respect your decision to be honest. They might not feel the same way, but in the end you've done what you wanted, and what you felt like was the right thing to do. Of course the outcome may not have been what you personally wished for, but you've been true to yourself, and you've done something about it.
You have to learn to respect her sexual decision. You can also try meeting other people to maybe divert the attraction.
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