How can I turn the internal voice of self-hate into one of caring and compassion?
Last Updated: 01/27/2020 at 5:22am
Christina Hussami, MSW, LCSW
Clinical Social Work/Therapist
Strengths-based, solution-focused therapist focusing on helping clients find life balance and navigating down their own path leading towards overall well-being.
Top Rated Answers
The answer is in the question itself. If you are capable of self-hate which is the most difficult thing to live with, then You'd be an amazing amazing who can love loads. Think about it, self-hate is just an intense emotion (negative) towards yourself. So you are already capable of intense emotions. Just Imagine, if that intense emotion is directed in a positive way, how loving can you be? how amazing can you be? I'll bet you will be a wonderful human being. Just try. Smile, for no reason. Just smile because you are still alive while many people may have taken their last breaths in the time you've been hating yourself. Smile. Tune your intense emotions towards positivity and be an awesome human being ! Love you !
I always had that feeling. Voice that keeps saying I am not good enough and I don't deserve it. The only way I could fight it was to feel good about myself -> Understand and think why you feel that way. Identify the problem -> There is nothing you cant achieve provided you do the necessary hardwork -> Dont care about who likes you or not. Care about yourself more. Love yourself more -> Dont think you are not good enough for it. Always remember few important things "You can Do it", " you deserve this" "You are good enough" -> Identify positive things about you and think about them. Maybe make a chart or something and hang it on your wall. The key point here is to Stay Positive. And also work on your negatives ! -> Finally "BELIEVE IN YOURSELF" ! -> one more thing which really helped me is to become a listener here. Helping others can help you too :')
It isn't easy, but it's so rewarding to turn that voice around! Try looking at a person or problem from all sides, instead of saying "Wow, my nose is too big" try saying "My face is unique and beautiful, and there's no one else like me" Or instead of "That cashier was rude to me, they must be a terrible person" try thinking "I am sorry for them, they might be having a bad day or trouble at home." Start little, but keep building into positive thinking, and you won't regret it!
I often use the Recognize, Revise, Reinforce method to help give myself a internal voice of care and compassion. -Recognize when you are insulting yourself -Revise the insult into a compliment -Reinforce the compliment For example, if I were to think to myself, "I have no reason to live", I would recognize that that's insult to me, then I would revise it to say "I do have reasons to live." To reinforce the revision I would give myself reasons I have to live, I could even write them down. This method can be used for almost any situation where you think negatively, I hope that it helps you as much as it did me.
One of the most challenging conflicts to resolve is an internal one. It can take some time, but not impossible. It's important to take the time to focus on yourself and focus on loving yourself by recognizing the flaws that usually end up bothering you and embracing them. They make you who you are and I think every single person is beautifully unique because of those flaws. You're so special, and at the end of the day your opinions of yourself are the only ones that matter.
Sometimes your internal voice isn't exactly friendly. We all can be super hard on ourselves because we're told that being proud of yourself is selfish. You need to realize that loving yourself and being proud of yourself is a really GREAT thing. It's not selfish or vain or wrong to put your feelings in a place of importance. A good exercise to do is to look in the mirror every day and find 5 things that you like about yourself. This is a good way to put your mind in a positive place and helps you point out your assets, rather than your flaws. Just remember that you are important, special, and valuable and its OKAY to think that
You have to recognize that there are so many things that you can do that are beneficial to yourself and others. Self-hate comes from thinking you are bad or worthless, when there are many things that you can do to benefit yourself and those around you.
This is a great question and applies to so many people. So many issues in our lives can stem from low self-worth. Something you could possibly try is re-framing where every time you think of a negative thought about yourself, you must replace it with 2 positive thoughts. This will take time but it is a good strategy that hopefully can retrain you brain to care about yourself again. Take care of yourself physically and mentally. Treat yourself like you would your best friend.
think of someone you really love and makes you happy and that'll get you on the track. :)
Think optimistically. You can change your thoughts into healthy, productive ones. It will require effort and persistence.
It helps to separate the problem from myself as a whole person. To turn 'everybody hates me' to 'I should get better at small-talk, so people will feel more comfortable next to me' or 'I am failure' to 'let me try to improve such and such areas' An important thing to keep in mind, is that just one positive step forward, invites other positive things to come.
Always put yourself into their shoes. It helps to get to know that person yourself, and understand what they go through everyday.
You can use the Stop Technique and the Positive Affirmations technique together, the stop portion requires monitoring your thoughts and every time you notice your inner talking going negative, you say (out loud it's better but not mandatory) "Stop!" that will get you in control temporally and stop the flow, then you create a list of affirmations (short phrases that focuses either in positive characteristics of you, or you would like to have) and use it as a replacement. You could find examples of affirmations all over the web.
Just a few moments ago, I went through a similar story. On a personal note, I'm struggling financially lately, and for some reason, I learned to feel ashamed of it. While better coping with shame now, today I had a conversation with mom where I felt ashamed. She recently talked with some relatives about me and lied about my situation, telling a different made-up story. She would then tell me what she told them and I went berserker about her lying about my story. Somehow, I was under the impression that her lying meant she was ashamed of me. I kept telling myself this story of how "Mom is ashamed of me" and I felt like pure crap. I took me some painful crying and around half an hour and talking to my cousin before I awoke to this: She does love me. She lies not because she's ashamed of me: she lies because it's hard for her to deal with questions about the truth, and it's easier for her to keep things in secret & silence. So, my point here is: I chose to believe she loves me. So now when the voice in my head said "Mom is ashamed of me" I replied: Nope, she loves me, and she struggles to deal with confrontations, so she opts for lying". It's about what story you choose to tell yourself. And as much as I'd love to say that this is easy, sometimes it's just very challenging and before getting there I just need to cry some. We are in this together....
I'm going to be honest-- learning to love yourself is a long process, and I'm still working on it myself. It's all about faking it until you make it. Look in the mirror each morning and tell yourself that you look great. It'll feel silly and fake, but do it anyways. When you think something negative about yourself, correct yourself and compliment yourself instead. Focus on the things that you like about yourself, rather than the things you dislike. Surround yourself with people who make you feel good about yourself, not those who only make you feel worse. It's a very slow and difficult process, but everyone can get there eventually
First things first, learning to understand yourself is key. Before you can love yourself you have to understand yourself.
Prayer or meditation does wonders. Try helping people, it will give you joy and a feeling of satisfaction. Make you a better a d compassionate person.
Don't calm this voice; let it hang. Start a new voice of compassion and caring slowly, and keep paying more heed to it; you will never know when the hateful voice be inaudible. And what I mean by start a new voice is keep doing more of compassionate task, helping others and caring for yourself, start small eventually hate will precede.
Sometimes when you self-loathe yourself,you have to get out and discover people.. People from different kinds and different walks and how the way they treasure their happiness.. Sometimes appreciating of happiness makes us to appreciate our little million things we should be grateful for and this will make you to extend hands for the needy.
The process requires a shift from the “narrative” inside your mind which defines your identity to a new way of looking at yourself. There are many things which need to be done but they won't happen in a day and effortlessly: no complete change, no big challenge has never been achieved without hard work. I am not here to frighten you, on the contrary, we need to be completely honest with ourselves when it comes to becoming who we truly are. You should need to forgive yourself, starting becoming kind and gentle towards yourself and in all the things you do, from the simplest to the most difficult because doing things with kindness slowly turns an aggressive behaviour into a more gentle attitude. Becoming more and come aware will also bring compassion and loving kindness in your heart and in your mind. So the first step should be to start meditating in order to calm your mind and help you investigate the source of self-hate, where and when that internal voice triggers hatred and other painful feelings. A simple question which requires not a single answer but several ones which also lead to other subjects. Such a question doesn’t require an easy answer like giving you a cooking recipe and the name of ingredients to use. Find a true spiritual teacher, online there are a few worth listening to from Ajahn Brahm to Eckhart Tolle. Their teachings can “easily” show you what you need to do to change the internal voice of self-hate into one of loving care and compassion towards yourself and then towards the others.
I have found that thinking more about how I speak to myself is the first step and being aware helps me figure out what I need to be ok with. It really helped me to think about if I would let someone else speak to me that way or if I would speak to someone else that way. If I would not accept it for someone else then I should not say it to myself. Instead I just say that I am doing my best and giving myself space to deal with things in my own time and way.
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