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How do you deal with the temptation to contact your ex?

287 Answers
Last Updated: 01/26/2022 at 8:44pm
1 Tip to Feel Better
United States
Moderated by

Brenda King, PsyD


I treat life changes, women’s issues, and issues of aging using evidence-based treatments with healthy doses of warmth, empathy and humor to enhance healing and growth.

Top Rated Answers
December 7th, 2014 6:34am
I just try to be in the moment, and not think that I have to go for the rest of my life without contacting him. I just think, just get through the next hour, and then you can contact him, and then when the hour is over I do it again, or I do it day by day, but the main thing is that I don't assume I have to be strong for the rest of my life. Just a little bit at a time.
November 23rd, 2015 6:45am
I don't. I directly contact them. Because if you still want to contact them means you still have feelings for them. It's okay to not be in a relationship but you can still be in contact.
August 8th, 2015 4:29am
Do you really want to contact your ex? They are your ex for a reason, remember? It doesn't matter who ended things, if the relationship was good they wouldn't be your ex! This is what I do; I write a list of all the bad qualities of my ex and I keep it where I will always see it. That way I am not tempted to call them because of the "good times" we had.
April 1st, 2015 9:16pm
Arrrghh this is a tough one. It's so hard! I know what you mean! I just try REALLY hard to remind myself that the best thing for me now is not to talk to them, and that I will probably feel worse if I do. Sometimes I have a friend confiscate my phone. And you know what? Sometimes I break and contact them.
July 17th, 2015 2:45pm
There is always that little voice telling you to press that send button on a text to your ex. My advice, put down your phone, turn off your computer, and just step away. Take a moment to breathe, remind yourself what went wrong in the relationship and ask yourself if you really need/want to talk to your ex right now. It's healthy to take time away from an ex-boy/girlfriend. We're human, we feel things, we get hurt and to properly heal we need time away from the thing that has caused us to feel upset. So just step back, watch a movie, make yourself a snack, go for a run…wait until you're thinking with a clear mind.
May 6th, 2015 9:39am
Put it this way: It's an ex. There's a reason why you two separated. Keep that in mind every time. Also, think about your self worth. Does he/she deserve you?
December 22nd, 2016 11:38pm
Personally, I struggle with this often. I was in a relationship for four years with a person who was emotionally manipulative, psychologically and physically abusive, and overall, took me away from much of my life, family, and friends. Somehow, though, I still find myself analyzing our past relationship, finding a fault of my own, and second-guessing my decision to cut him out of my life for the better. It's easy to get caught up in feelings of "what-if", and second-guess your initial judgment to call it quits - time and distance not only makes it difficult to remember a person, but also feelings and scenarios. Your negative reactions slowly push further back in to your mind, and eventually, only good memories spark up when you imagine your ex. The best thing to do is to take a moment to re-evaluate your ex, your relationship, and yourself. What was the relationship like? Honestly. How did you feel during the relationship? In comparison, what kind of person are you version the kind of person you were? In comparison, if you are in a new relationship, how do you feel versus how you felt? Did you and your ex have any tangible future together? Did it work, truthfully? Imagine your best time together. Now, imagine the very worst time. How do they balance? Was it worth the ratio? I always forget how toxic he was until I really think about all of our worst times alongside the good times that plague me. I force my thoughts to those of his abuses, rather than our spiritual connectivity or other good qualities of the relationship. I also realize how much better of I person I have become since exiting that very distressing connection, and finding my now-boyfriend. And finally, I compare the man who loves me now and how he loves me to the way that my ex treated me on the daily. If you find yourself seeing them solely in positive light? Maybe it is time to reconnect.
December 26th, 2014 1:50pm
I just tell myself that I don't need any negativity in my life. I want someone that will care about me and love me, will treat me the way I deserve to and I will not settle for less than that.
February 18th, 2017 7:31pm
Think about why you broke up. Think about how much you cried. Think about how he made you feel. Think about all of that, don't contact your ex honey. The future is knocking at your door, don't let it because the past is calling.
August 9th, 2015 4:04am
If you are experiencing the temptation to call up an ex just think " What will I benefit by calling him and what would I feel if I got heartbroken once again. By asking these wuestion it allows you to really be honest
July 29th, 2015 5:34am
I deal with the temptation to contact my ex by distracting myself with friends and things that I enjoy doing such as reading, listening to music, watching movies, eating ice cream(^_^), etc. They seem to help me calm down a bit. Also, as added precaution I delete his number from my phone.
November 17th, 2016 8:28am
It's tempting to want to connect with someone we've shared our life with. Even if that person isn't actually the best type or person. Keep in mind they're out of your life for a reason. Maybe they weren't the best to or for you. Don't jeopardize your happiness and sanity only to begin travelling backwards.
November 25th, 2014 3:30am
Remove all ways of communication with your ex until you are good and ready to communicate once again.
December 22nd, 2014 12:02am
To resist from contacting my ex, I deleted their number and called my phone provider to block their number. That way, we can not contact each other. I avoid places that I know he will be.
September 17th, 2016 11:43pm
It's difficult, but going No Contact is worth it in the end. Blocking their number, unfollowing them on social media, etc. will help you realize that they are no longer a part of your life. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, but you want to make sure that you're not stopping every few steps, getting lost in the dark, because of your ex.
November 3rd, 2015 5:27pm
There are so many ways to reach out to a person nowadays, that it is more difficult to resist spying on an ex online to see what they are up to, especially if you have emotions towards them that you haven't managed to work through yet, be it missing them, anger, jealousy, or something else. If you want to ensure you don't contact them, the first steps I would personally take in that situation would be to remove their info from my phone and block and remove them from social media accounts, in addition to putting away items that may cause me to think of them (photos, mementos, etc.). There is something to be said for "out of sight, out of mind". The less things that cause you to think of that person, the more likely you will be able to avoid dwelling on them to the result that you feel compelled to contact them. Other ways I have dealt with a breakup have been to find solace in my friends and family and keep busy doing things that I love, that I may have stopped doing while in that relationship. I have found these to be really helpful ways to move past a breakup and become happy in my own life again.
November 11th, 2016 1:12pm
I think about exactly what I would say and how he would respond to it. Then I go and do something like make some toast and saying it out loud and thinking about how they would respond to that. I end up never texting him what I have said out loud after thinking about it for a while, because I know that I dont really need to say it, and that they dont really need to hear it.
July 26th, 2016 12:39pm
Remember what he have done to you, and it's already over.. Some things can not change.. You have to accept this and move on with your life.
December 13th, 2016 10:33pm
Looking into the past can sometimes be a dangerous venture, leading to impulsive behavior - sometimes this includes contacting previous partners. If that impulse enters my mind, I do my best to remember that I am thinking of a particular memory or time in which things were going right with that particular person. Triggering a positive memory is a delight, but projecting that positiveness on an ex-partner and shadowing the reasons you broke up is a dangerous road. I try my best to fight the urge to contact previous partners by looking ahead of the conversation - what would I personally benefit from speaking to them? Am I remembering them in their true character, or projecting a better version of them in my mind? After answering some underlying questions, and determining my intentions, the feeling has usually passed and I am back on track to live life on life's terms.
January 22nd, 2017 1:45pm
I write my ex letters, that I never send. In the form of a journal. Can you imagine what you'd say to your ex if you were still together, the day to day stuff? The big stuff? Can you imagine what you'd say to your ex about the breakup? What questions would you ask your ex? You can fill countless letters with all of this and more, and if you re-read them after time has passed, you might be shocked to find out how loving and kind you are, or how great you are at expressing your anger. Those are skills you can take with you into future relationships.
January 4th, 2015 3:17am
i just say that i deserve better that there are better men out there for me that won;t hurt me or make me feel bad
December 17th, 2014 11:34pm
Sometimes I find the easiest way to avoid the temptation of contacting my ex is to keep myself busy. Fill your time with friends and family and keep your mind off of him/her!
November 28th, 2014 6:26pm
You have to take it day by day, it's going to be hard but you have to in order to move on.
December 22nd, 2015 10:46am
I've found that distracting myself with things that I enjoy doing and activities that make me happy help me deal with this temptation. As well, reminding myself that the temptation is temporary, and that it will feel less urgent in time, keeps me from making contact.
October 13th, 2016 8:21pm
Think about why they are your ex, they stopped being your partner and became your ex for a reason. Get in contact with some friends/family for a distraction and keep your mind occupied with something else. After some time has passed you will go through longer periods of time where you haven't wanted to contact them and before you know it, it won't be a temptation any more
May 4th, 2015 3:00am
Try not to contact for a while, if you feel it is going to be more painful than relieving. When you get to a point where you can be in touch and not hurting, that's ok.
August 11th, 2015 5:40pm
Keeping yourself busy with other things and enjoying the freedom of life once again. Its better to accept that you weren't the right person for him/her
July 10th, 2015 1:55am
I resume my long forgotten hobbies and hang out with my best friends, write and sing to my heart's content.
January 20th, 2017 2:09pm
I normally try to think about why I want to at that particular moment- has something triggered a memory? Am I feeling a little down or lonely? Then I tackle the underlying feeling- down or lonely? Contact a friend. A memory? Is it something I can smile about? Can I trust that I will have many more great memories without them?
September 13th, 2017 5:34am
Think about how far you've come. You already are well aware that reaching out will never give you the satisfaction and comfort as it used to give you. Distract yourself, why dwell on your ex when it will only make you feel negatively. Keep yourself positive, let that temptation pass. You've come so far and you're so strong.