How to stop hating yourself after cheating?
Last Updated: 10/21/2021 at 6:45am
Jui Shankar, Ph.D
My worldview offers a systems perspective that values diverse clients and their struggles. I believe supportive and nonjudgmental therapeutic relationships empower clients.
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For me it's very simple. The guilt, regret, pain, hate, everything you may feel now, is because you hurt another human being. Another human being you care for deeply and maybe even love. You broke their trust and your promise. But it's not the only person that you hurt. You also hurt yourself. You know you did something bad, something against your own moral fibre and you formed a new image of yourself as a bad person. What you may not realize just now, is that one mistake is not the end of the world. You were bad only in the moment of making your mistake. You need to take a lesson out of it. You need to realize it hurts others and in result hurts you too. Have more self-control next time. Be more thoughful about other people's feelings. You need to grow out of this experience, make it up for that other person and yourself, and accept yourself for whoever you are. Because you're not bad to the core. You were bad in that one matter, but you don't have to stay like this. Dont undermine the good in you based on one mistake. You must know that there will come a day when you will forgive yourself and be glad for what happened, because it actually made you a better person. We are not bad people for making mistakes, but we become such if we repeat them.
You should remember why you cheated on that person. Not that you did cheat. Remember what the person did wrong to cause you to cheat
Personally, I have cheated and I hated myself for the longest time. The guy I cheated on was insanely sweet. Not was, IS. I am still with him and that just shows, it works out! To me, it was all bad until I confessed, apologized and made up!
Often in times where we do something we regret, we ask questions such as 'why did I do it', 'how could I do this' and 'where was my head at'. The thing that allows us to move forward and to grow as a person is to ask the question "what now". Its our response to these situations that make us good people, and it allows us to accept decisions we've made in the past.
For me what really helped was acceptance, acceptance that it happened and nothing could change that, and acceptance that I am not defined by what I have done. What helped me reach that was a lot, and I mean a lot, of communication. Mostly with myself in a way, finding time and space to be alone and release my thoughts, be it writing them out, talking to myself, or just thinking things through. It really helped me, and eventually I came to the conclusion that it was something I did and like all things it was a part of me but it did not define me, I was more, I was a lot, I was better, I was worse, but I wasn't just that girl who cheated. Though always find what helps You specifically, because you are worth it.
No matter how much time you spend hating yourself, you can't take back what you did. If you've been honest with the person you were in a relationship with at the time, then you've done all you can. Everyone makes mistakes, and maybe you made a pretty big one, depending on the circumstances, but the only thing you can do now is learn from it. It's understandable that you might hate the fact you did it, but you can learn from it and from how you feel. If it's convinced you that you never want to cheat again, then congratulations! You've learned to become someone who doesn't do things that you hate. You've grown, and you should be accepting of that process, if you can be :)
you cant because it will be on your mind for several years to come because cheating is very wrong and i know if i cheated on my wife i know i wouldn't forgive myself
We all know, cheating is not a good thing, I can't tell you it was ok. But I can tell you, it was a mistake you made, and you're human, and as humans, we make mistakes all the time. So stop thinking and blaming yourself for it. It's not worth it, blaming or even hating yourself for it, it's not going to change the fact that you did it. So move on, and just learned about it. Make something good out of it, and try not to do it again, because you already know how it feels when you do it.
The first thing to do when experiencing excessive guilt after cheating is recognizing yourself that you are experiencing remorse. That guilt you are experiencing is active evidence that you feel remorse for this situation. I can't tell anyone a method to stop hating themselves, but if you feel that way about yourself that means that you understand there is something about you that you want to change. Come to terms with your actions, accept that you feel that you have made a mistake and try to reconcile an internal method with yourself to move on into a new stage, which is a step towards being the person that you want to be.
You need to realize that you are human, and people make mistakes, in about 53% of relationships one of the people will cheat in one way or another. Im not saying cheating is right but at some point you need to pick your self up apologies and move one.
Do something positive for your partner every time you start hating yourself. Then you can use it as a way to help strengthen your relationship.
It takes time to forgive yourself, you already know you did something bad, as soon as you realize that, you're already making progress, ofcourse it takes time, but time goes one, you can't stop that, and hating on yourself forever won't make anyone happy. It happened, there's nothing you can do about it. Just try to change your way of thinking, be sure of it that it never happens again, be a better person!
First you must realize why you feel these feelings. Usually the feelings that are felt after someone cheats is betrayal, humiliation and a break of trust. We put a lot of trust in a relationship and for whatever reasons someone has, cheating makes you feel like it's the end of the world and that you are a horrible person. The human brain is very fragile with a range of chemistry being felt throughout our bodies, and sometimes people cheat, that's a part of life that some people go through. You're onto your next stage in your path now, you've recognized your emotions and you're aware of the situation, just think forward constantly rather than about yesterday. You will bring yourself more anxiety if you live in the past. What has happened, has happened, for whatever reasons it did. Now it is time to awake in a new day.
Everyone makes mistakes, it's part of life. Moving on and realizing your mistakes, though, is part of the process. Once you realize that all, moving on will be much easier. Everything happens for a reason, and this you will learn from to never do again.
Yes, you made a mistake, but guess what? You're not perfect. You're going to make mistakes and however horrible they may be, anything can be forgiven eventually. Just move on, don't do it again, and try to prove your loyalty next time. You have the right to be angry with yourself, but don't let that anger stop you from continuing in life. You've clearly changed or you wouldn't be asking this question.
You have to first question yourself why you did what you did. Was it because there was something in your relationship that you were unhappy about and you were never able to resolve it? I'm not saying cheating is right but sometimes we are compelled to do so because we are starved of affection or other reasons. If you can identify the source, you might feel better.
The only way to stop hating yourself after cheating is to accept that this was a phase in your life that happened. Ultimately there were reasons that cheating happened. You need to look at those reasons and determine what measures to take in order to be a better person and not hurt anybody.
Self hatred is never helpful. Hatred is a negative feeling which doesn't move you forward. Regret is much better to focus on. You're a human, humans make mistakes, and you regret that mistake. Focus on what caused the mistake to happen, how you can correct it, and what you can do to prevent it in the future. I hope you find peace!
If you have made up with the one you have cheated on and cut off contact with the person you cheated with, there is nothing to be afraid of. When you have gotten forgiveness from your partner there is nothing to be guilty about; just remember that.
go a little easy on yourself. No one died. No live's have been destroyed by your actions. The only person currently feeling pain about this incident is you. Determine that it will never happen again and move on. Moving forward, I hope you will now see this incident in this light instead: You learned a lesson.
No matter what mistakes we make in life, even those that hurt other people, we must give ourselves a break and know that we are worth it and are only human. As long as we learn from it and give ourselves permission to move on from cheating so forgiving yourself is the step in the right direction. Do yourself that favour by saying to yourself that it was a mistake, be humble about it but dont dwell on the guilt trip, you cant move on if you do. Hope this helps!
Remind yourself that making a (big) mistake is not the end of the world. Learn from it instead, take a look in the mirror and say to yourself that you will do better from now on. Try your best to be the faithful person you used to be, and eventually it will pay off.
If you even started to realise that you hate yourself for cheating, then you many steps forward of your previous situation. You realise what you did was wrong, feel guilty and have the conscience not to repeat this mistake next time. That speaks so much about you. You have already grown as a person. To err is human and to forgive is divine. When you cheated, you were a bad human. When you realised your mistake, you became a good human and when you will forgive yourself for it, you'll become more than a human. I once cheated and couldn't bear it's guilt for a long time. But then I talked to a wise person who explained to me that by giving so much thought to my mistake, I have already subconsciously taken a vow not to repeat it. When we have to forgive another person, our only fear is that the person will do the same thing again and in this case, we have overcome that fear. So don't hold a grudge against yourself, you need to move on and forgive yourself because if you don't, then neither will anyone else. You are the person who loves yourself the most! :)
There's a long way to self love, trust me i know. But by taking little steps, you'll see change. You can't face a problem if you don't acknowledge it first. So first step on the road of self love is to understand that it's not okay to hate yourself for something you did. We all make mistakes we just have to learn from them.
Accept that people make mistakes and that you are only human. Forgive yourself and work on improving your boundaries. Think about why you cheated...was there an emotional reason for it? Set goals for yourself to improve in those areas and remember that people can change! This doesn't have to follow you your whole life!
Hating yourself is never productive or helpful in your pursuit of finding happiness and living a fulfilling life. Just like you would find it in your heart to forgive a loved one who had hurt you by cheating, you have to find the same forgiveness in your heart for yourself when you do the same to others.
You have to learn to forgive yourself. If this is bothering you so much, do not do it again. There is a universal law that says, that you may get the same that you did to others, so better be careful
You should think possitive, even if you did it. It's already done, you can't do anything about it, you can't change past.
You kind of just have to realize that what's done is done and it can't be changed anymore. You learn to forgive yourself for past mistakes and learn from them.
Try to remind yourself that you're a better person now and try to view it as a life lesson. Remember how you feel now and let it guide you to make better decisions in the future.
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