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How to stop hating yourself after cheating?

205 Answers
Last Updated: 09/12/2020 at 5:04am
1 Tip to Feel Better
United States
Moderated by

Sarah Archer, LMFT

Marriage & Family Therapist

As a Licensed MFT I work with clients to more effectively address, process and learn skills to manage the problems that prevent them from living the life they want.

Top Rated Answers
LoseYourFearsAnna
January 26th, 2017 10:19am
It takes time. You are not a bad person, you have just done a bad thing. Look up "Rethinking Infidelity". A Tedtalk by Esther Perel.
avamadueno22
January 26th, 2017 9:53pm
Cheating isn't good for a relationship. If you're the one that cheated and you feel horrible about it, completely normal and hopefully you do feel bad about it. But, quite frankly you learn from those things and in time you'll accept what had happened and move on from it. Nothing more you can do about it.
StepsOfHealing
February 1st, 2017 3:53am
To be honest, I'm still working on that. It's tough to forgive yourself after cheating, but you have to remember, it's just one day out of many more to come. Work hard for your goals and stay strong. Even though you cheat one day, stay persistent. You can do what you set your mind to
RainyDaysLover
February 2nd, 2017 5:41pm
Maybe the first step would be understanding the reasons you had to do it? Maybe you were trying to find something you need and the person you're with is not giving you? It might sound cliché, but since you can't change it, the best is really not hating yourself. Take it as something you would not want to do or experience in the future.
Anonymous
February 8th, 2017 3:00pm
We all do mistakes. We just have to accept that. We just need to be aware of it but we are all human beings and not perfect.
iloveredlipstick
February 16th, 2017 3:07pm
Everyone makes mistake all the time, accept what you have done and move on with your life. Try to learn from the mistake and know that it doesn't mean that you are a bad person at all.
Anonymous
February 24th, 2017 2:53am
You recognize your mistake, and that's awesome! The next step is forgiving yourself. We all make mistakes!
Tommyaka
March 1st, 2017 8:34pm
We all make mistakes, some are big and some are small but we have to realise that the hardest part about a mistake is to realise what you have done was wrong and forgiving yourself. You have cheated on somebody, you ruined their trust that they had given you and you have to make it up to them. You have to show that person that you have learned from your mistake and you will change, that person might not accept this but it's important that you let them know that you care about them and you will change even if they don't care.
helpmeHelpyou61
March 25th, 2017 6:00pm
There is one moment of weakness that made you do it. You are a better person than you think you are because you know that cheating is wrong. Don't hate yourself, just own what you have done and keep in mind how it felt when you cheated and pledge to never do it again. Also if you want to get over the hate then come clear of your actions, tell people who are involved that you have done something wrong and ask for their forgiveness. Assure themthat you will do it again. Maybe they will understand.
Friendyles
April 7th, 2017 4:09pm
I realized that I wouldn't do it again and it helped me see that I wasn't that bad of a person. I forgave myself and so did the other person
Anonymous
April 8th, 2017 2:26pm
Read motivational stuff and try not to think about the past. meet new people and try to indulge in things that make you happy.
Suitcase33
May 5th, 2017 11:16pm
I was cheated on and all I can tell you is that hating yourself is a valid feeling, but not very constructive. Try to work out why you cheated, why you hate yourself for it and try to accept what happened and try to move on. The one you cheated on won't be helped by you punishing yourself through self-hatred.
NourrirVotreAme
June 8th, 2017 4:53am
As humans mistakes (big or small) are bound to happen and it is okay if you made a mistake. Such mistakes doesn't define the kind person you are but helps you learn and grow as an individual. So the question is not 'why did I do it', 'how could I do this' but "what now". Feelings like hatred can never be helpful and so focus on forgiving yourself for happened and moving towards improving oneself.
Anonymous
June 14th, 2017 8:46am
First you should accept what happened has happened and you will never be able to change that fact. You should be open to take responsibilities about the consequences of your act. Once you accept, you feel healed but you will always carry the scar.
5thousandmiles
July 13th, 2017 11:58am
Come clean with the truth, tell your partner they deserve to know. Realize that you're human and life is all about learning from our mistakes. Forgive yourself, but never forget what caused you to cheat. This way you can avoid this in the future.
Ruek
August 9th, 2017 3:45pm
In my opinion, the most important thing to start with is to learn to accept that you are not perfect and that you deserve to forgive yourself for the mistakes you have made. We all make mistakes, no matter how big or small, they deserve to be forgiven.
Raylonii210
August 20th, 2017 8:00am
If you've found yourself cheating on a loved one, or spouse, the best way to stop hating yourself, is to find yourself. By now you've probably already asked yourself "why did I do it?" And "am I a terrible person?" Although there is not a defined or exact answer, I've found that the best medicine, is to find yourself. Ask yourself not just WHY you cheated, but what you are expecting/ what you expected to happen. Some people cheat because they can't conceive children with their current partner, some cheat just to see what it's like, some cheat because as sad as it it, they do fall out of love. Some cheat as a result as being under the influence. To stop hating yourself, you need to find what you're looking for and find yourself. Find out if you actually want to be in a relationship.
Anonymous
August 28th, 2017 3:39am
Starting the journey of self-acceptance and forgiveness. This will take time and might require making amends with your past and bouts of emotional challenges, but the process starts with accepting and learning from your mistakes. Seeking help from a mental health professional to work on coping mechanisms and behavioral techniques to begin the healing process can help immensely. I speak from personal experience, and it has been one of the most trying but rewarding processes of my life. It can be a struggle, but learning how to show yourself compassion and love even in little ways can help tremendously. Hang in there. We all make mistakes; some small, some big. We ultimately decide how we will to respond to them. :)
Anonymous
September 1st, 2017 7:05am
Did you have a healthy conversation to clear things out post the occurrence and do these negative thoughts come to you often?
Anonymous
October 6th, 2017 7:26pm
First of all, you should write down what were the circumstances that led to you cheating. Then, analyse why you thought it was okay to do it at the time. If you hurt someone you care about, sincerely apologise to them and let them know how you feel. You deserve to be heard. Then, know that you did everything you could and it is time to let go. Eventually, you will forgive yourself.
Anonymous
October 15th, 2017 2:33pm
First is have a time for yourself, cry until you can't cry anymore to clear all the negative thoughts in your mind, finding out what you really want to do in your life, knowing the things that you deserve, second is spending time with your family, and lastly remind yourself that cheating is a choice thst the people made its not your fault if your partner cheat because its a choice that the people made
Anonymous
November 10th, 2017 7:14am
Learn from your mistakes. Learn to not do it again. It's something you've done in the past. It'll be okay just don't do it again.
Anonymous
November 10th, 2017 5:36pm
Understand why you’ve made the choice you did. Get to the root of the problem. Genuinely make the promise to not make the same decision and forgive yourself.
soulcompany
November 12th, 2017 7:59am
The bible says, "For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God" this may seem comforting for a bit but we do need to seek to be good beings and better persons. We need to grow stronger by forgiving ourselves for the wrongs acts we do even if it be cheating. It's only then that when we forgive ourselves first can we grow and allow God's grace to flow in our lives and better ourselves.
Anonymous
December 12th, 2017 6:52am
Realizing we are human so we are all make mistakes. I wouldn't really even call it a mistake, I would call it a lesson! People change and these things make us a better person at the end of the day. You are growing more and more everyday as a individual and that's okay!
Melissame
February 7th, 2018 6:05pm
It's important to work on acceptance. Accepting that what has happened can't change and knowing that we all make mistakes in life, no matter how terrible. It can take time but focusing on your good qualities, be kind to people and you'll realise your good side and forget the mistakes.
Anonymous
February 8th, 2018 12:25pm
well you just gotta learn the hard lesson and never repeat it again , and whenever you think about cheating again go back and remember the results
endlesslyliam
February 16th, 2018 4:13pm
You can’t control whether you hurt someone or not. You have to accept that you did hurt them, and that’s okay. Think about why you did it, what was happening in the current relationship you were in. We’re you confused? Did you feel like your relationship wasn’t adequate or it didnt suit your needs? Accept what you are feeling and know that communication is key to most relationships.
Vendavale1
February 22nd, 2018 5:06am
Guilt sometimes makes us have depression symptoms. Talk to your partner about it and look for couple therapy.
beautifulDreamer33
March 1st, 2018 9:45pm
Well, by giving yourself a time to be free to feel gulty, some particular time, and they simply stop by blaming yorself.Always have on mind that you are just human, with imperfections, and try to look at situation as experience, and lesson.