Why wasn't I good enough?
Am I ugly?
Am I stupid?
What's wrong with me?
These are the thoughts that poured through my head in the moments after heartbreak. I was so certain that somehow I was to blame. That it was somehow my failing that lead to her actions.
The anger came later, slow, creeping, and a thousand times more damaging to myself than it was to her.
She broke my heart and it never felt a thing.
The stupid, uncaring, heartless, good for nothing, unforgivab--
Unforgivable? Really? She hurt you. There is absolutely no denying the singular fact that the ache, the one you buried deep in your heart; the one you only bring out when no one else is there to see, is the ache she caused. But is it truly unforgivable? Or can your find it within yourself to look past the ache, to look past the anger you use to mask your pain, and forgive her?
I hope so.
I have to hope so.
But how do I forgive this wound? She struck a deeper wound than I have ever known. How do I forgive something like that?
You walk a mile, you take a deep breath, and you look for the real reasons.
It wasn't you, nothing your did nor any failing on your part caused this to happen. But it wasn't her either.
It was, instead, the pain in her life. Some struggle. Some heartache. Some loss. There was something that was simply beyond her ability to properly cope with, and it drove her to make a choice she probably regrets. She wanted some respite, some temporary salve for her wound, and so she made a mistake. And perhaps that mistake means that you can never trust her with your heart again, but it doesn't mean that you can't forgive her.
She is hurt too.
The sword she cut with was double edged. Indiscriminate. So maybe I couldn't forgive a heartless, thoughtless person who hurt me for no reason at all. This was a heart I once loved, once carried so closely to my own, and I know that, in truth, this was not an act with reason. And because of it she's now as hurt as I am, perhaps even more so.
It won't be easy.
It won't be simple.
And maybe there are some things I couldn't look past.
But a broken and bleeding soul?
That I can forgive.