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Should I tell my boyfriend that I cheated?

317 Answers
Last Updated: 08/06/2021 at 10:04am
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Paola Giordani, Psychoanalyst

Licensed Psychoanalyst

I have helped and am helping people cope with loss, divorce, anguish and parenting. Depression is also a major issue that comes up.

Top Rated Answers
PumpkinSpiceCara
July 23rd, 2020 7:28pm
This is a question I hear a lot. If you cheated on your boyfriend, you should absolutely tell him. If you don't tell him, he will probably find out from someone else, and that will be even worse. Telling him yourself shows that you realize that what you did was wrong, that you are genuinely sorry about it, and that you are willing to talk things out to find out how your relationship will go from there. It is super important that you tell him as soon as possible, so you can both work through any problems or concerns, and develop trust again.
Anonymous
July 25th, 2020 3:19am
Yes, it is good to be upfront and honest with your significant other. Although it seems like him not knowing would be the easy way out of a lie, being truthful is one of the essential aspects of a healthy relationship. Your honesty would be greatly appreciated and there is a chance that your significant other will forgive you, of course, considering any of the circumstances or the situation you were placed in. Never be ashamed of being truthful even though the action you are being truthful about may not be your best moment. Best of luck with your relationship!
Anonymous
July 26th, 2020 5:54pm
You should be honest, specially if you feel sorry. You don't know if he will forgive you or not, but it's a form of respect to tell him the truth. He deserves to know. The truth will come out eventually and it will only be worse. Imagine the inverse situation. He wouldn't tell you, but you discovered alone. How would you feel? Not very happy, right? He stays with you because he loves you, and not telling him is equivalent to tricking him. You don't want to do that to someone who truly cares for you, don't you? Because you are not truly a bad person. Confront him and listen to what he has to say, don't take it to heart if he gets angry, angery is a secondary emotion that comes from being hurt or upset. You should convey your sincere apologies to him first. Even if he wants to let go, try to be comprehensive. Take a deep breath.
Anonymous
July 28th, 2020 2:08pm
Hi! I hope maybe my story can provide some insight for you! I have never walked in your shoes, so I can't say what you should do personally, however I can share a story with you. I had once cheated on my husband with someone that I did deeply care for. Please keep in mind that mistakes happen, this does not make you a bad person. I decided to be honest with him. I told him everything. Sure, it was very hard in the first few months following that, but after some time and mended trust we made it through. We are stronger for it. The honestly helped both him forgive me and me to forgive myself.
elgor6744
July 30th, 2020 8:26pm
yes, you should tell your boyfriend that you cheated because trust is a crucial part of any relationship. sit him down and have a one on one honest conversation. make sure to pay attention to his body language and facial expressions. if he has questions, answer them truthfully. make sure to include that you've learned from it and tell him your hopes for the future in regards of the relationship. this is a bump in your relationship with him, but hopefully you guys can move past it. this kind of thing isn't easy, but telling your boyfriend will make some kind of difference.
Anonymous
August 9th, 2020 6:59am
That's totally your decision...if you care about this boyfriend of yours and truly don't want to hurt his feelings, then you should tell him...not telling him will end up in both of you feeling worse...he needs and deserves to know this...try to think of it from his point of view...in his shoes, I am sure you too would want to know if your partner had cheated...based on all these points, you will decide...do you want to treat him like you would like to be treated? then, tell him...if not, then don't tell him...just remember, either way has it's pros and cons...choose wisely...
LawrenceChamberlain
August 21st, 2020 1:49pm
No, you should not if this was just a sexual incident with no further consequences but a guilty consciousness. Yes, if this was an act of love or affection, for it will have dire consequences, if you subdue such feelings. Morale has nothing to do with sex, but a lot with love. Your boyfriend has a right to know, if you do not love him any more for we have a stark responsibility for those who love us and as a consequence we must protect them from all harm. Even from harm that we may or may not inflict on them. Make up your mind about this incident and try to find out whether it has been sexual desire or affection that let you commit. Much love to you sister.
Jelecia
September 11th, 2020 3:05am
Yes.You should because it is not only the right thing to do but he might find out from somebody else.It will hurt him but not so much if he hear it from you , there also might be a small chance that he can forgive you. Whatever is in the dark will come to light eventually.You Don't want him finding out about it from someone else especially the person who you cheated with. It will hurt but prepare yourself mentally that anything can happen.How important is your relationship to you? If it means a lot then why build it on lies ?
Anonymous
September 26th, 2020 6:21am
The decision to tell someone about cheating is a personal one, and one that I can't make for you. But I can share a story about the time I cheated and chose to tell my partner about it: I had been with my girlfriend for almost two years. Things had gone really well for us. But then I went into a depressive episode. My relationship with my girlfriend was okay, but I felt extremely numb, disconnected from my loved ones, and like nothing mattered anymore. To make a long story short, I ended up cheating on my girlfriend with another girl I met in a class I had at college. The guilt that I felt afterwards was extremely intense. I debated for a long time about whether I should say something, as it had only been a one-time occurrence. I was afraid of losing her. Eventually, I decided to tell my girlfriend the truth, because I felt she deserved to know the truth, even if it meant we broke up. Over time, she decided to forgive me and that she wanted to work things out. I went to therapy and made an effort to address the reasons behind why I chose to cheat. We've now been together for just over three years. I can't guarantee that you'll get the outcome you want, but I can say that the truth truly does set you free. Always remember that you aren't your mistakes. Change is possible. Love always, A friend :)
raunikasweetTouch8381
October 21st, 2020 7:22pm
Yes , If you really want to have a stress free life and if he is a genuine guy and really loves you he would forgive you but if he wont then you can say sorry and move on. I know this is purely blunt and straight , however that is how you should be , you cheated for a reason , if he loves you he will rectify that and if you love him back you will truly feel sorry for your act and never commit cheating again. If none of you are fair to each other then you both are living a fake and relationship based on lie and sooner or later the lie always comes out and hurts more than it would or could have been. its better to come straight now than to overthink and be sad all your life.
Anonymous
October 28th, 2020 5:32pm
I believe honesty is a crucial ingredient in every relationship, so maybe the best case scenario is to share what has happened, and try to rebuild from there. Explain the situation to your partner, take accountability and share your feelings, but also be prepared for his feelings and what his reaction might be. I think whats done is done, and in order for you to move on you have to share this past mistake, and if the relationship doesn't make it then its a lesson you learned for the future. Its a fine line between accepting what you did was a mistake and letting guilt overwhelm you, so while you do admit your wrongs, make sure to not let it define you.
softlove65
November 4th, 2020 10:02pm
As someone who's been cheated on, my answer will always be: yes, tell the person you cheated on. In my experience, the truth always comes up, sooner or later. He might as well find out from you than from somebody or from somewhere else. My boyfriend hid it from me for a year and a half, and basically a year after finding out, it still hurts as if it was day one, and what hurts the most was the fact that he had been lying to my face for all that time. I think out of basic respect, you should be honest and face the consequences of your actions.
Anonymous
November 11th, 2020 7:01pm
I think Honesty is very important in a relationship. If you cheated then you should tell him. It might be hard to admit your wrong doing and it may make him upset but telling him is a step towards solving the issue head on. If you re upfront and honest with him it would show him that your are sorry for what you did and it may also show him you want to work on solving the issue. Telling him yourself is always better then him finding out on his own, once he knows he can work on forgiving you.
Anonymous
November 11th, 2020 7:58pm
When a breach of trust, such as cheating, occurs in a relationship, the best way forward if you want to have a loving, open, and honest relationship in the future, is to address what has happened with honesty and a penitent heart. This means, if you want to have a healthy relationship in the future, it is in your best interest to come clean about what transpired and express remorse, if that remorse or penitence is sincere. While it's true that a person who has been cheated on may choose not to stay in the relationship, not addressing the cheating will only prolong the lying by omission, which will create a larger obstacle to trust in the future. In general, if you wish to maintain trusting, loving, honest relationships, being trusting, loving, and honest will help considerably.
Anonymous
November 15th, 2020 9:56am
As a general rule, it is almost always better to tell the truth. When we are hiding something that weighs on our mind, our behavior tends to give others signs that something is bothering us. This may not be the case for some people who are better liars or do not feel guilty for cheating on their partners. It is also difficult to hide, because what is hidden will eventually come out in some way. A good question to ask yourself is: "If I was in my boyfriend's position, would I want to know that my partner cheated on me? Would I be upset if my partner hid that from me?".
Anonymous
November 21st, 2020 5:49pm
Yes, you should. It is better to me honest than lie if to your boyfriend. Cheating isn’t good but it make is ever so slightly better if you are honest and tell him the truth and every thing Exactly how it happened and when it happened. Please make sure that you don’t do it again as it can make people feel like you do not love them and that you do not care about them. I know this may not be the case but it’s worthwhile saying just it case. I really hope this helps you know how to tell them.
Anonymous
November 26th, 2020 9:11am
Yes, this is important if you want to have a healthy and honest relationship. If your partner would have cheated on you, would you like him to tell you? Explain what happened, be honest if you feel that cheating on your boyfriend was a mistake. Tell him how you learn from your actions. Have a conversation on what caused you to cheat. If you feel like you don't want to be in a relationship anymore, talk with him and see what he thinks and feels. Talking about cheating can be challenging, but it's okay talking about it to your boyfriend.
acboard123
November 29th, 2020 7:46am
I am no expert in your relationship with your boyfriend, but I suppose that this question has probably a deeper answer. The first thing to be considered is the state of your current relationship. Are you happy? Do you feel your needs are being provided? What is it that caused you to feel you needed to cheat? If you are in a relationship that is not meeting your needs, it is likely that you are not in one that will last. Strong relationships have a foundation of trust and caring. Once that is compromised it is hard to recover, especially with cheating. If you seek to remedy things with your boyfriend, you should probably come clean to him and see how he feels and consider what is maybe best for him in this situation as well. Should both of you be willing to move on from this, then the next step is to work together to rebuild that trust and set some expectations going forward, whatever those might mean for you. The other option is to not tell him. Depending on how you feel about it, you might sit on this information that you did this to him and be eaten alive by the tension and internal strife that it causes. Ultimately, resolving tensions and being honest are usually always the best in a relationship. If that ends it, then it enables you both to find something that would work best for you and make you happier.
TGTristan
December 4th, 2020 5:08am
Yes, 100% yes, cheating is something that is pretty terrible in a relationship but being honest about it will make it so much easier on both parties. If your boyfriend still decides to be with you afterward, then you won't have to live with that guilt. Not telling him will only lead you to feel guilty and always having to hide something which will only get worse with time. You can even try to explain why you weren't happy and what caused you to cheat and at least from what I know, there are a few circumstances that I may be okay with (i.e. wanting to try something with someone of the same gender).
Anonymous
December 6th, 2020 7:35pm
Honesty is the best policy, and this is especially true in intimate relationships. Your boyfriend deserves to know the truth. Being honest sooner rather than later may actually save your relationship. Healthy relationships must have honest, clear communication. Tell your boyfriend the truth, and then if possible you can work together in the future. Perhaps counseling may help you both. If there are issues in your relationship that led to the cheating, they need to be addressed as well. If you want to have a future together, you need to acknowledge the past so you can both move forward with your lives.
Solome24
December 10th, 2020 4:43am
Ultimately the decision is yours whether or not you want to disclose that with your boyfriend. It also depends on your relationship with your boyfriend, what values you have in relationship, and what you want in a relationship overall. Did you agree to not cheat on each other? Did you agree to tell each other if the other cheated? Did you agree on complete honesty in your relationship together? You may have not talked about these things, but answering these questions is helpful in making a decision. It also of course depends on if you want to stay with said boyfriend or not. Clear, honest, healthy communication is so vital in healthy relationships. If you tell him, perhaps his response will not be as bad as you think. He may be happy you told him because you were honest and you two can work through it. If you don't tell him, the secret could eat away at you and put a barrier between you and your boyfriend that wasn't there before. These are some of the positives on the side of telling, as an example, but I suggest you weigh the pros and cons/positives and negatives, and see which decision would be best for you. Best of luck.
Janisa
January 2nd, 2021 2:38am
Yes, if I were you I would definitely tell my bf that I cheated on him, no matter the excuse. Because to me, being in a relationship means being honest with that people, and I would feel so bad already that I cheated on him, so the least I could do is also being honest about it to him. I also know that I could face the fact that he might leave me, but that is his decision, I was the one who did him wrong. You can also think about it this way, by you not telling him, you live with a secret that would bother you so much, you will keep thinking about it, you will be afraid that he would find out one day, so why not just come clean??
HappySoul2017
January 2nd, 2021 8:15pm
Yes you should be open and honest about it. So that you feel at peace (otherwise it will always bother you that you are hiding something from him and he might also come to know about it from somewhere else) and he also needs to be aware about it. Both can choose and discuss what is required to be done NEXT, talk about what went wrong or why it happened? And if possible work through it or walk away from it if required. Ultimately it about both of you that makes up this relationship so both have the right to know what is going on and why things are the way they are.
yessilistener
January 14th, 2021 3:16am
Yes. You already betrayed his trust once, it isn't fair for you to do it again. I think that keeping that from him because you want to be with him is selfish. You should give him the chance to decide whether or not he wants to be with you. If you want to be with him and he wants to be with you too, brace yourself because coming back from infidelity is difficult. You both have to put in work, especially you. If he doesn't want to be with you, that's fair too. Respect his decision and go your separate ways. Remember that either way, you should eventually forgive yourself. You did cheat, but no one deserves self-loathing to a point of destruction. This should be an experience of growth.
Anonymous
January 15th, 2021 8:11pm
Well honesty is always great, depending on the situation can cause more harm than actually do good. My sponsor when I became sober told me to tell him that I was sorry I wasn't the partner that he deserved, she also told me amends can be done without full disclosure, because it was no need to harm him beyond what I had done already and I should spare him of the details. After my amends were done I choose to live a honest life with dignity and pride once alcohol was what induce me to act in a certain way.
Anonymous
January 29th, 2021 8:12pm
I can see that you currently are debating whether to tell your boyfriend or not about cheating on him. That seems a bit nerve-wracking and stressful! I am here to listen and cannot provide advice but will try my best to help you find the right answer for you. Some questions you can think about are: Why do you want to tell him? What will happen if you tell him or if you do not tell him? If you do decide to tell him you are welcome to practice with me to try to make it a bit less stressful and easier on you.
Neiro
January 30th, 2021 2:10am
I believe that you should. You made a mistake and everyone does, but owning up to that does not just help your boyfriend or the relationship, it also helps you grow into a better person by being responsible. You made a mistake and that's okay, owning up to it shows maturity. Also take a moment to try to think of why it happened. Was there something that lacked in the relationship? Were any of you unhappy? Was it time for it to end? These are questions that you should now take into consideration when you are thinking about what led to it, and what you would want from a future partner.
gracefulDreamer6406
February 6th, 2021 1:24am
It is impossible to state a universal answer to this question that will work for all situations. Some things to consider, however, are as follows: 1. Will telling your boyfriend create an unsafe environment for you? Will he react in a manner that may put you in danger? 2. Have you always been open and honest with no instances of retaliation or judgment? 3. Do you feel telling your boyfriend will have a positive/negative impact on your long-term relationship? There are many other things you should consider before proceeding. Once you feel you are ready to open up about the topic of cheating, ensure you have some supporters to lean on in case the discussion does not go as planned, or even if you are unsure about what to say in order to help manage the situation. Only you can know how to approach this situation, and I know you will follow your heart and make the best decision that you are able to make when the time comes.
Anonymous
February 25th, 2021 4:30am
Yes, you should. That's the short answer, but to elaborate: cheating is harmful, mostly to the other person. It's something you've done wrong, and if you know that, you need to acknowledge your mistake on your part by telling your boyfriend. Yes, I know, easier said than done especially because cheating isn't something small. It will damage and change your relationship, whether you tell him or whether you don't. When I tell you, he will find out sooner or later, either from you or not from you, he will. By telling him, yes he might choose to break up with you, or he might try to forgive you, but he won't forget. It really depends on how it happened and the situation around it, but there is no excuse for cheating. I am aware that I sound harsh, but telling him sincerely and earnestly will be the best way to go. Admit that you're wrong, you're human, and of course, respect to him and to yourself by telling him.
mygirlliddy
March 14th, 2021 3:31pm
Yes, you absolutely should. I assume you still care for him if you're conflicted about whether or not you should tell him, so yes, please do tell him. He deserves to know the truth. Don't keep him in the dark, as it will only lead to more hurt, and more of a mess in the end. You may be scared of what will happen if you do so, but it will be for the best. He doesn't need to keep believing a lie, and you don't need to keep feeling guilty. Tell him. It is the best way to move forward.