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Why do I always blame myself for the breakup?

133 Answers
Last Updated: 12/30/2020 at 12:34am
Why do I always blame myself for the breakup?
1 Tip to Feel Better
United States
Moderated by

Dorothy Paige, MS Psychology

Licensed Professional Counselor

I believe that any issue that prevents one from living life to the fullest or prevents self love is defeating. I am committed to providing support to anyone who seeks help.

Top Rated Answers
Anonymous
August 12th, 2018 8:23pm
Because you have low confidence from the break up so it’s easier to blame your self than look for the logical explanation
Anonymous
August 16th, 2018 4:39pm
That happens with many people, mostly the kind ones who know how bad it feels to get blamed for, so they take the blame upon themselves. There are also those who are not confident about themselves and tend to find faults in themselves. I have friends who blame themselves for anything that affects their relationship and try to find where they went wrong, or what part of them needs to be changed (even though personally, I think they are perfectly fine the way they are). I have also met those who have been through a bad period in their life which develops this feeling.
Anonymous
August 24th, 2018 10:41pm
Hey there, I’m so sorry you feel that way. I felt this way too. It was my greatest moment but it was still there. You may think it’s your fault but it’s not. You haven’t done anything wrong. You may blame yourself because you’re scared of what you did wrong but nothing Went wrong. It’s common for people to blame themselves for the break up. It’s not anyone’s fault. Things happen. Don’t give yourself a hard time for something you didn’t do. Try talking it out with the other person to see what happened. It won’t be as bad as you think.
Tyedyedbutterfly65
August 29th, 2018 2:27pm
Its easier to blame ourselves then accept the fact that others have issues also and that we can not control them so we turn it on us, we are an easy target to aim at sense we are the ones in our heads.. We can also have someone tell us its our fault and believe them even if It isn't the case at all. We feel weak and we talk negative to ourselves. We think we are not worthy and not loved and nothing to anyone so we take the blame which is not always true of course we can have some blame but not always.
BlueTranquility
September 27th, 2018 3:02pm
Because deep down you still love your partner and this makes it easier for your partner as you shoulder the responsibilities. You are a good person. You do not want your partner to feel so much pain therefore you had to make the choice to take everything in yourself. This is irregardless of what was the cause of the breakup or malfunction of the relationship. Anyone else could have just blamed their partner for the "Breakup" or "drift" but how many can truly make the ultimate sacrifice like you did? I believe deep down you know the answer behind your question.
Anonymous
September 27th, 2018 6:17pm
Sometimes, especially when we ourselves have personal insecurities, it’s easy to blame one person or the other for a breakup. Most times, it’s a mutual conglomerate of error from both sides. No one is perfect, yet this tends to be skewed aggressively towards one or the other party. They or myself. Learn to work things out civilly, it’s the key to all relationships in life. Work on the self before trying to fix and work on outside relationships. How can we expect our relationships to survive when we can’t nurture ourselves first? This is the key to a healthy relationship, a healthy self.
BlankaM
January 9th, 2019 9:45pm
You blame yourself for the break-up because you are insecure of your own abilities. You think that the other person is perfect, and have done nothing wrong. That is not true. In a relationship, it always takes 2. Even if you have made the decision to break up, you have every right to follow your gut and happiness, even if it means temporary sadness for the other person. Ultimately, you have to follow what is best for you, and both of you, but there is absolutely nothing wrong from running away from a toxic relationship! Self love is everything, so get started and never justify your actions again.
CaptainObviouslyOblivious
February 1st, 2019 1:07pm
I think it's very natural to push the blame on yourself when it comes to a break up - the reality is, that both parties have usually contributed something to the reason why the break up came to pass. It's very easy to make someone a saint in your mind when you are missing the idea of them, but the reality is that there are usually valid reasons why things didn't work out. Breaking up with someone you love is never easy - and sometimes people can be compulsive and rather harsh on themselves for those spontaneous decisions.
Anonymous
March 8th, 2019 9:35pm
Blaming yourself often seems like the easiest thing to do after a break up. It's easy to let yourself only focus on the negative. Taking sometime to let yourself see why you left in the first place is always a good place to start. When you realize that you now have that weight off your shoulders you can really begin to move on, grow, and recover from your previous relationship. I was in a relationship for 5 years and refused to see what everyone else was telling me. I was in a bad place during the relationship and let myself fall into a worse place after the break up by blaming myself. When I finally saw that I was bettering myself for leaving a great weight was lifted off my shoulders and it allowed me to like myself again. Its okay to admit that somethings were your fault, but its not okay to blame everything on yourself.
Anonymous
March 15th, 2019 9:58pm
It is normal to blame yourself after a breakup. Even if you were the one that got dumped. Breakups could leave you questioning what went wrong, and often times when that happens, people rule themselves as the main reason the breakup happened. Keep in mind that this is just a post breakup stage. It will pass eventually. Blaming yourself is something you should always try to avoid, try doing something that gets your mind off of them. Whether it be exercise, your favourite hobby, listening to music, whatever it is just do it. Keep in mind that most times breakups don't happen because one person did all the wrong un the relationship, but because you 2 as individuals weren't meant to be together.
malani3
May 2nd, 2019 4:53am
I'm sorry your feeling so bothered by this. Maybe change your perspective. Start small and work your way to a conclusion. What is it about the breakup that makes you feel as if it's your fault? It's a natural response to feel bad after a breakup. Majority of people feel either sad or as if they're the one to blame. Breakups are a natural part of life and they can teach us more about our own strengths and weaknesses if viewed from the right angle. If you see things from a different perspective, breakups can be great learning opportunities.
CherryBlossom360
June 13th, 2019 8:41pm
Things happen, people get into fights, and breakups happen: It's all a part of this thing we call life and the best thing we can do is embrace it. Blaming yourself for a breakup probably comes down to you knowing that your actions could have been part of what lead to the breakup in the first place. Another reason why you might blame yourself for a breakup is because you can't stop looking back on what once was. You can't stop thinking about what you did or did not do while you were in the relationship. You need to realize that nobody is at fault here, including you. Breakups are a part of life and we all go through them at least once in our lives. :)
WaterEarthWindFire
June 23rd, 2019 11:46am
The reason for blaming ourselves often comes from insecurities and not being aware of our positive traits and only focusing on the negatives. We only look into ourselves but not into the relationship itself. There are always two individuals involved, and usually it is more complicated than, one of them is to blame. Seeing what we did wrong is important, because that’s the only way we can better ourselves in the future, so we won’t make the same mistakes over and over again. But blaming ourselves (or others) does no good, because it blinds us and we see no way around it. We need to accept, that there are things that we could have done better. But we should not limit ourselves to these mistakes, these are not the things that define us, these are the things that show us where can we improve.
Hanaa00
July 11th, 2019 10:26am
I feel like this is very common with many people. In my experience, I blamed myself for a breakup because at that time I was still very vulnerable from the breakup, I was emotionally impacted by everything. I did a lot of self reflection which made me see my own flaws and mistakes that i had been making in that relationship. While this can be helpful, we also have to see the other person’s flaws and mistakes, and realize that it isn’t all our fault. Also, right after a breakup, we can still idolize the other person which might make it difficult to see their mistakes, thus we blame ourselves.
MBS19
September 25th, 2019 12:23am
I think it is natural to blame one's self for such things. You were intimately involved in a relationship and it goes bad, we always ask ourselves "what could I have done differently" and if you can think of just one thing, you'll automatically blame yourself. Let's not throw around blame. Instead take that experience from the past relationship, take that "what I would have done differently" and apply it towards your future and future relationships. Another common misconception is to say "all my relationships end badly, I'm the common thread here so it must be me" I remember thinking this way for the longest time until it finally clicked in my head that just because a relationship ended didn't mean it's anyones fault.
Epikura
October 6th, 2019 2:53pm
Many people tend to take the blame for a breakup because it’s easier than to assess the complete situation. Relationships are very complex social structures and both partners are responsible for the way the relationship works out. Also taking the blame, a person scared of confrontation can defuse a situation and avoid an even bigger conflict. And perhaps when taking the blame upon oneself alone, the other person is more likely to forgive and they might give the relationship another chance. Seen from this perspective it’s perfectly understandable why one would take the blame, however it is unfair towards oneself and your partner/ex won’t be able to improve themselves without being confronted with their own mistakes.
brianna67
October 30th, 2019 1:28am
It's so much easier to blame ourselves. At least for me, when I have strong feelings for my partner, it's so much easier to think of my own faults, question everything I said or did than it is to think of their flaws and mistakes. I also think it's easier to blame myself if I'm hoping to learn something from the breakup? Breakups are so hard and to find peace with them, I often feel like I have to learn something from them and in that case, I'm usually thinking of what I did wrong and how I could do better in future relationships.
Anonymous
October 31st, 2019 4:52pm
what happens when you lose something you love is that you start searching for reasons and mostly you start by searching for it in you which isn’t a bad thing and you can learn a lot about you and your future choices but if you are not taking care of you and your emotions well it is easy to go from self learning to self-blame, you can also go to breakup training on seven cups which has explained a lot about how to come over a breakup and how to control its resaults on how you feel about you and your future plans!!
SummerBreeze00
November 16th, 2019 7:37am
The tendency to blame oneself for the breakup derived from lack of self-esteem. From my experience, it is a painstakingly challenging period where you would be constantly thinking what went wrong. I discover having support system such as trusted friends and listeners would ease the process better. I can’t make life better but I can try making myself better. You can’t change how things are in the past but you can try dealing how you perceive the whole situation. It is hard but you need time to heal. So, take one step at a time and remember, you matter.
Hppinessstar
November 22nd, 2019 2:56pm
Don't blame yourself. It’s a two way thing. Sometimes in a relationship we give our 100% but still it does not works because that person is not the one for us. So just don't make yourself feel bad over anything. Try to move on. Distract yourself.Spend more time with your friends and family. Read books or watch movies. Eat your favorite snacks. Take a good long nap.Do not overthink. Everything is going to be fine.just have some patience.Blaming yourself only make you sad and disappoint so just try to forget about it. Take your broken relationship as a lesson. Don't let your daily life effect by your breakup. Just look at the mirror smile to yourself. Love yourself .Listen to your favorite music.
Anonymous
December 18th, 2019 2:34am
I don't think you should blame yourself for the breakup or anything... Just because the relationship didn't work doesn't mean it's your fault... It actually just means it wasn't the right relationship for you... The right relationship would come, although it might take awhile to find it but it would come... Don't blame yourself anymore it's going to hurt you more than help you ☺️ 😊... Engaging in other things can help take your mind of a breakup and mostly at ease and when you feel better too doesn't mean you jump to another relationship you have to make sure it's the right one🙂
Anonymous
March 8th, 2020 2:31pm
Breakups are tough, and more often than not when the breakup happens you find yourself looking back and remembering only the good things. Breakups aren’t always a fault of someone, and sometimes a relationship just runs it’s natural course. Breakup affect your self esteem and that’s usually why you’ll end up blaming yourself, wondering what more you could have done etc. Try to see it for what it really is, and that both parties were involved. It may be that you’re just hurt and confused and looking for someone or something to blame, but don’t automatically blame yourself for it, find a healthy way of coping with it instead.
RichardRedacted
March 25th, 2020 3:32pm
I think this is true of many of us. A lot of times I think this stems from holding ourselves to too high of standards and expecting too much of ourselves. Instead maybe try not to blame anyone and take a step back and look at the relationship from each angle. You will usually find it's a little bit of each parties " fault" that the relationship ended. Maybe there were some arguments that weren't handled well on either end, maybe there wasn't enough communication as to what each person wanted in the relationship. The point is, don't beat yourself up over the past. Only look to it as a way to learn and to do better in the future.
Anonymous
April 5th, 2020 4:21pm
People blame themselves for a brake up because they believe they aren’t good enough. It is harder to imagine that someone you loved is not emotionally mature, kind, or loving. People also forget that it takes two people for a relationship to work. People sometimes end a relationship instead of put in the hard work of relating to each other. There are many factors that go into a relationship. In the end, do your best, be kind & true to yourself. Treat yourself with as much respect as you give others & expect respect In Return. Everyone deserves love, but many do not know how to show it, Express it or give it.
Healtogether
April 9th, 2020 2:47pm
Please try to identify to good deeds and accomplishments over the years and that will help you see value in yourself. Everytime this question pops in your mind remind yourself that nobody is perfect and relationships are not a single person's responsibility. If you were tru and honest with your words and actions there will be no reason to blame yourself. We need to remind ourselves that self doubt should be progressive and not damage self-confidence. If relationships have not worked out in the past an optimistic way to look at the situation could be to realise that there is more scope to explore.
sereneHeart5846
April 11th, 2020 10:39pm
I’m sorry you’re struggling with these feelings. I’ve felt this way in the past too. I’ve learned there are a few reasons we choose to blame ourselves for breakups. One is control. We want to control our hurt or anger and blaming ourselves let’s us feel more in control. Another reason is a deeply seated sense of worthlessness, some people call it shame. If you can sit with your own thoughts for a moment, do either of these, or something else, ring true? Honestly naming what you’re facing is powerful to being conquering it. Why do you think you blame yourself in these situations?
Anonymous
April 16th, 2020 6:59am
No matter what, blaming yourself for situations keeps you unhappy because you feel like you have no control. When we move past blame, we are able to take responsibility and release the guilt attached to self-blame. If you punish yourself or others for mistakes, then these tips can help. Firstly look at the bigger picture, trust yourself and reframe what you should do. Every situation we experience is part of a bigger plan. When you can look at setbacks and opportunities for growth, life becomes easier and there is less pressure. Look at the blessing in each lesson. Instead of blaming yourself for a situation, look for the silver lining. Ask yourself: what could this situation teach me?
positiveMelody4802
April 16th, 2020 10:48pm
I feel like im the one who is using them and i feel like i need them just for my things and i feel i don't love them as i say but it's just hormone for sex, but it's Wat all do right im not sure im not a bad person but i feel im selfish and egoistic,i try my best still it doesn't work, and i also felt the main reason is being frank, people they don't like to be frank and it's the reason i blame me for.nothing more to say tired no energy and im done.
Charlotte996
June 25th, 2020 1:02am
For the most part, people have what we call "locusts of control." This means that we assign blame for things that happen to mainly two areas in our life: the outside and the inside. For the most part, people tend to lean one of the two ways. People within outer locus of control tend to blame things on people or situations outside them. Like, "It's not my fault, because I didn't know that blah blah would happen," whereas people with an inner locus of control tend to be more like, "It's my fault because I should have known better, I should have seen this or that." Both can be good and bad, but ideally, you want to be a bit of both. The side you lean towards is mostly decided by the experiences you've had in life. So, in your case, I'd wager that through most of your life you've tended to blame yourself for the things that have happened in your life. And with breakups, it's especially difficult to break this cycle. To find out why it is that you do this you'll need to do some reflecting on your experiences and question some fundamental beliefs you have about yourself. This can be a lot more difficult than it sounds though. Start with perhaps asking yourself, "Why do I feel this is my fault?" and then have a very close look at the reasons and feelings it brings up, and be very honest with yourself about it :)
EmpatheticWarrior
June 28th, 2020 2:37pm
It might be that you always feel that the other person is better than you and you don't deserve to have them in your life. This is clearly not the case. There is a possibility that you both don't share common things. Blaming yourself is justifying that you deserve to be treated like that and you settle with whatever you've got. Know that if the relationship was meant to be, it would've still lasted. The fact that the other person left you means that they have a 50% role in the break up as well. Its always isn't your fault.