My parents complain about each other to me, and I don't know what to do.
39 Answers
Last Updated: 01/04/2022 at 4:13pm
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Polly Letsch, LCSW
Clinical Social Work/Therapist
I provide non-judgmental, person-centered, objective therapeutic treatment for individuals of all ages to improve social, emotional, mental and other areas of functioning.
Top Rated Answers
I think the hardest thing in this is that you love both of your parents, and coulnd't and wouldn't really choose a side. But there's an expectation towards you, to agree what one is saying, even when you don't even want to hear your parents complaning about each other. What makes this situation harder is the bitter identification of the fact: your parents are just like you - they fight and shout and think that they're right. But the hardest thing for you is to realise: They're no longer on each others' side, where they used to be.
Tell your parents that you don't want to be in the middle. Its not your responsibility to be the messenger.
In my experience, parents usually say to you what they're really trying to communicate to the other parent, or even just sounding it out for the first time with someone they trust and that knows the parent as much as they do. If it bothers you, why not ask them whether they think the other parent should hear this over you? Or explain to them that it doesn't make you feel comfortable to be put in the middle in such a way. It's better to be forthright with this kind of thing than be forced to carry too much in silence.
Anonymous
September 29th, 2014 9:03pm
Respectfully let them know how you feel and how it's affecting you. Use "I" statements instead of "you" statements to avoid sounding offensive or finger-pointing. You have every right to love both parents; emphasize how you love both of them and think highly of them.
Have the parents sit down and talk to each other about their emotional or ideas they may have. Having them speak to one another may solve some conflicts or predicaments
Anonymous
October 20th, 2014 8:52pm
If there's no way you can help solve their problems, just listen. I guess they both could use a hearing ear.
I've had this same thing and what I did was tell them that they should tell eachother and not me. It helped me, they don't do it anymore. It will take a little time though.
Be understanding but don't take sides. If they attempt to press you into taking a side, recommend that they speak with each other instead. If you find that they keep using you as an outlet and you're uncomfortable with this, tell them that you appreciate that they feel comfortable talking to you about these issues but that you aren't really in a position to help resolve the problems--they can only resolve it between themselves. There is no guarantee this will work but anything that can encourage them to share their complaints with each other instead of foisting them upon you is a positive step.
Tell them it's non of your business. Because it really isn't. Their relationship is something they need to sort out on their own and they should never put their children in the middle of all that.
I've totally been in that situation before. My parents do have a pretty good marriage, but sometimes they'll start complaining about each other to me without really realizing what they're doing. I usually just try to change the subject when I can.
I had to have a chat to my Mum about it, and explain that it hurt me. This was several years later and after I finally spoke to a councilor about my problems. If you can, talk to your parents. If you can't, talk to someone who can support you.
If they both tell you that means they both trust you. Sit with both of them at the same time, solve the problems between them, tell them to remove the communication gap between both of them otherwise it might lead to separation of your family
Ask them nicely not to speak badly about the other in front you, remind them that he/she is still your parent.
I am so sorry that they are placing you in such an uncomfortable position. No child should have to hear the other parent being put down Please say to your mother and your father when they start to complain that you know that they are in pain but that it is inappropriate for them to burden you. Try to help them look beyond their own pain and understand how destructive their behavior is. A child needs to be able to see his parents as role models and not be denigrated and shot full of holes
This can definitely be a tough situation, especially because you don't want to upset either one of them. What do you think would be best? Have you tried telling your parents how you feel about the entire situation? Maybe sitting down and having a discussion could be beneficial.
The main thing you do in that situation is to listen to both sides but do not take a side. That way you can be supportive of your parents but it doesn't put you more in the middle. Also, try to offer helpful advise about getting them to talk to each other. Ultimately they need to work things about them self and sometimes them complaining could be their tool to get their stress out in the open instead of stuck in their head.
When your parent begins to complain, let them know kindly but firmly that you don't want to be put in the middle and you would appreciate it if they would choose to talk about that issue with someone other than you. It may take a few reminders, but most parents will learn to not put you in the middle like that fairly quickly. If things don't improve or your parent becomes angry, it may help to bring in another trusted individual to help mediate the situation so that both you and your parent feel heard.
I would tell them that it makes you uncomfortable and ask them if they could stop or work out their problems with eachother
Mature parents should not do this. However, if this is the case -try not to be judgemental towards them, and just let the complaints pass through your other ear. Don't let those critical words about each other influence on how you feel about them. Try to focus on how good they are as your mom and dad - although they complain about each other, they still are fulfilling their role in raising you as your parents-
Anonymous
June 29th, 2020 4:28pm
Explain to them that, as their child, it is not your responsibility to be on the receiving end of their negative thoughts about another member of your family. It's not healthy for them to be using you as their outlet for frustrations they are feeling towards each other. Whilst it is important for you be emotionally available for members of your family, and offer support where and when it is needed, it is also important to respect the boundaries and dynamics of certain relationships; a parent should not expect their child to be the recipient of their emotional baggage when that child has a personal connection with the other parent who is being talked about.
Anonymous
October 31st, 2014 8:40am
if i were you then i would sit them both down and make them work things out
I have experienced this, and I always find that the best thing to do is to be indifferent and not take sides, as that only includes you further.
Well, parents sometimes use each other as tools to hurt each other so sometimes just speaking up in a calm, respectful manner still remaining firm you can tell them that you don't want to listen about bad things about your mom or dad.
Anonymous
November 14th, 2014 3:25pm
Kindly and respectfully tell them both that it makes you uncomfortable and you would prefer it if they would stop doing it. They may not realize that they are doing it.
Let them know your aware of the situation and how it makes you feel and maybe you guys can have a talk together and get everything out in the open
Have a sit down talk with them to express your concerns and look for a solution together as a family
Anonymous
November 12th, 2014 5:42am
My parents are divorced, and they complain to me about how the other is devious, disgusting, and a cheat all the time. As a kid, I think the most important thing is to show parents that you support them; but not their behavior. Sit down and have a talk with them.
Anonymous
October 20th, 2020 6:43pm
Hearing your parents complain about each other to you is difficult. Especially because I am sure they both hold a special place for you. Have you tried to talk to them about it? Let each of them know that while you recognize they are having issues with each other, it hurts you to hear it. You can be supportive and there for them but let them know that being supportive doesn’t mean hearing the details of why they are complaining about each other. In the end, you can love them each and have a relationship with each of them without them bringing you into the middle
Sit them both down together and let them know how you feel. I'm sure it will come to a halt when they realize what they're doing is conflicting you.
First, listen carefully to their concerns with empathy, without judging or getting in the middle. Then, reflect and rephrase what they say. Allow them to express their discontent, even to vent. Help the parent explore and express exactly what they're feeling. Support what they're experiencing, that doesn't mean to agree with it, but to respect the reality of their opinion. All this will enable them to gain better perspective and focus on what's bothering them.
Encourage them to find constructive ways to discuss and work out the issues they have with each other. That might include getting help here at 7 cups or from a professional counselor.
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