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How can I stop being insecure in my relationship?

260 Answers
Last Updated: 05/10/2022 at 7:03am
How can I stop being insecure in my relationship?
★ This question about Relationship Stress was starred by a moderator on 5/12/2016.
1 Tip to Feel Better
United States
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Lauren Abasheva, LMHC

Licensed Professional Counselor

A sex positive, and kink knowledgeable therapist with an open mindset and a clear understanding that we are all different.

Top Rated Answers
July 8th, 2015 8:44am
You can discuss your concerns with your partner. Let them know how you are feeling so that they can understand where you are coming from. When you discuss your feelings with them, they will be more cautious of how you feel when you are with them.
July 8th, 2015 5:44pm
Talking about how you feel is the main key. Doing such thing is not trivial for lots of people, but being honest and telling the partner (or friend, or relative) about how you feel is crucial. Opening yourself and revealing that you feel insecure is not easy, but once you do it, it is easier to come up with solutions about things that you feel insecure about. After that, working on getting more secure is essential. Make a journal about your feelings related to insecurity: what are their cause? What can I do to fix it? Am I overthinking things? Am I seeing things the way they really are? Tracking intrusive thoughts that may bring you insecurity and anxiety is a good idea. If you feel comfortable enough, bring them to your partner. Keep in mind that being honest is one of the most important keys to every relationship, and it is an important factor related to dealing with insecurity.
July 8th, 2015 9:19pm
The best way to stop feeling insecure in any relationship is to learn to love yourself. Although it could be a little confusing at first, you could take your time to get there. Another helpful way to stop insecurities is by building a deep and great bond with your partner. As long as you two are able to speak your mind to one another, no doubtful or vulnerable thought could make its way between you two.
July 8th, 2015 11:25pm
I've learned in my own relationship that the key to being more secure is to frankly be open and honest with your partner. I've had my fair share of insecurities in my relationship, stemming from my depression, past abuse, failed relationships, and just the fact that I'm disabled. But my fiancé and I talk whenever I'm feeling insecure about whatever, and we work things out, and she makes sure I'm secure in our relationship[, and that I know I am loved, despite any perceived flaws I may have.
July 9th, 2015 6:37am
I would initially assume that the underlying problem is a self-esteem issue. Confidence is probably the most important trait to gain in order to be more secure about yourself and your relationships with the people around you. Don't be afraid to try things new, and if you ever are questioning what your partner is thinking, don't be afraid to ask them!
July 9th, 2015 8:59am
Ask yourself why you are insecure, if you are being irrational work on your anxiety, open yourself up to trusting someone and face your fears... remember I got 99 problems and 95 aint real! ... if you have reason to distrust or be insecure than perhaps its time to re-assess what keeps you in the relationship.
July 9th, 2015 12:42pm
If your boyfriend/girlfriend is giving you a hard time, talk it out! If their friends are making you feel uncomfortable, again you can either talk it out or start being more confident. Your partner chose you for a reason!
July 9th, 2015 1:20pm
COMMUNICATION IS KEY! Talking to your loved one can really help to eliminate any and all insecurities you may have. If you or your partner do not know what the other feels, you'd never be able to fix those insecurities.
July 10th, 2015 12:51am
You are you, and there and there is really not much you can do about that but just remember that the person you chose is with you for a reason, no one is like you.
July 10th, 2015 2:46am
Insecurity can be overcome by learning to trust in being yourself and not reading too much into something and seeing an issue that isn't there. You got into the relationship for a reason. Don't speculate about negative things because the more you think about something, the more issues you could convince are there when they really aren't. You have to trust in the relationship and feel free to talk to your partner openly.
July 10th, 2015 6:41am
The five steps to overcoming panic attacks are: Acknowledge & Accept Wait & Watch (and maybe, Work) Actions (to make myself more comfortable) Repeat End Let's take a look at what each step entails. Acknowledge & Accept All progress starts here. This is the most important single step to overcoming panic attacks. Acknowledge Here I acknowledge the present reality, that I'm afraid and starting to panic. I won't try to ignore it, or pretend it's not there. I won't struggle to distract myself, tell myself to "stop thinking about it!", or snap any rubber bands on my wrist. I'm acknowledging simply that I am afraid, not that I am in danger. The thought that I am in danger is just another symptom of panic, not an important or useful thought. Accept Here I accept the fact that I'm afraid at this moment. I don't fight the feeling; ask God to take it away; blame myself, or anybody else. I accept, as best I can, that I'm afraid in the same way I would accept a headache. I don't like headaches, but I don't bang my head against the wall in an effort to get rid of them, because that makes them worse. Overcoming panic attacks begins with working with, not against, my panic and anxiety symptoms. How Can I Accept a Panic Attack? What makes a panic attack acceptable (not desirable, but acceptable) is that, while it feels awful and fills me with dread, it isn't dangerous. It won't kill me or make me crazy. Someone pointing a gun at me, that's not acceptable. I might get hurt or killed. If someone points a gun at me, I have to do whatever I can to change that: run, hide, fight, yell, bribe, or beg, because the consequence of being shot is so terrible that I must try to avoid it. On the other hand - a policeman giving me a ticket, even if I don't deserve it, I can live with that, and can hopefully keep my temper in check so I don't make things worse for myself. Accepting the symptoms, not resisting, is a powerful step to overcoming panic attacks. What Can a Panic Attack Do to Me? It makes me feel afraid, that's what a panic attack does. And, if I'm having a panic attack, I'm already there! I'm already experiencing the worst that will happen. I just need to ride it out. That's the surest path to overcoming panic attacks. Why should I accept a panic attack? Because the more I resist panic, the worse it gets. The more I develop the habit of acceptance, the more progress I make toward my goal of overcoming panic attacks. That's Acknowledge & Accept. How does that compare to what you usually do during a panic attack? Wait & Watch (and maybe, Work) Wait What I mean by "Wait" is this: don't just do something, stand there. It's similar to the suggestion "count to ten before you get mad". One of the hallmarks of a panic attack is that it temporarily robs you of your ability to think, remember, and concentrate. This step will buy you a little time to regain those abilities before you take any action. When you react before you have a chance to think straight, what do you do? If you're like most people, you probably flee, or struggle. You do things that actually make it worse. This is what people mean when they say things like "I know I'm doing it to myself" and the harder I try, the worse it gets. Jumping into action too quickly is a big obstacle to overcoming panic attacks. So, even though you have a powerful urge to leave, postpone that decision for a little bit. Don't tell yourself you CAN'T leave - keep that option open so you don't feel trapped - but put off the decision about whether or not to leave. Stay in the situation. You don't need to run away to get relief. Let relief come to you. Watch Use the occasion to observe how the panic works, and how you respond to it. The best way to do this is to fill out a panic diary. The diary is a questionnaire which helps you notice important aspects of a panic attack, so you can respond more effectively over time. Feel free to download and reproduce it for your own personal use. You can also download a set of instructions. My patients often report that just filling out a diary helps them to calm down. How does this work? It's not that they're distracted from the subject of panic, because the diary questions are all about panic. It helps you get a little distance from your emotions. It works because, while you complete a diary, you're in the role of an observer, rather than feeling like a victim. The best way to use the diary is to fill it out during the attack, rather than after. If you're in a situation where writing is impractical, perhaps while driving a car, you can: use a digital recorder; have your support person read the questions to you and record your answers; or pull over for a few minutes to write. What About "Work"? If you're in a relatively passive situation during the panic attack - a passenger in a vehicle, getting your hair cut, or waiting in a waiting room - "Wait & Watch" is all you need. If you're in a more active role - driving a car or giving a presentation - then you also need to attend to the "Work" of conducting that activity. Do "Wait & Watch", but also remain engaged in your task. That's "Wait & Watch (and maybe, Work)". How does that compare to what you usually do during a panic attack? Actions (to make myself more comfortable) At this point, you've already gone through the two most important steps to overcoming panic attacks. These steps, and all the steps necessary to overcome panic disorder and phobia, are covered in much more detail in my Panic Attacks Workbook. What's Your Job During an Attack? It's not your job to bring the panic attack to an end; that will happen no matter what you do. Your job now is to see if you can make yourself a little more comfortable, while you wait for the attack to end. Here are a few techniques that my patients have found particularly useful in overcoming panic attacks. Belly Breathing Regardless of what else you do, do belly breathing. It's also known as diaphragmatic breathing, but I think "belly breathing" is more descriptive. Many people think they know how to do deep breathing, but don't do it correctly, so they don't get good results. A good belly breathing technique is a very powerful tool in the work of overcoming panic attacks! How to Talk to Yourself Talk to yourself (silently!) about what is happening, and what you need to do. One question my patients find very helpful is this: is it Danger or Discomfort?. Some of the other responses my patients like include the following: 1. Fine, let's have an attack! It's a good chance to practice my coping techniques. 2. Answer your "what if...?" fears by saying "So what? I'll get afraid, then calm down again." 3. It's okay to be afraid. Get Involved in the Present People don't panic in the present. People panic when they imagine something bad happening to them in the future or in the past. This is why your panic attacks are almost always accompanied by some "what if...?" thought. If a dog just bit my leg, I don't say "what if a dogbite?". The reason you say "what if...?" is because what you fear is not actually happening! Get back into the activity you were engaged in prior to the attack, and become involved with the people and objects around you. If you're in a store, resume shopping, reading labels, comparing prices, asking questions, etc. It will move you closer to your goal of overcoming panic attacks when you bring your focus and energy back to the present environment. By this I mean, work with what is around you. Work with Your Body Identify, and relax, the parts of your body that get most tense during a panic attack. This typically involves first tensing, and then relaxing, the muscles of your jaw, neck, shoulders, back and legs. Do not allow yourself to stand rigid, muscles tensed, and holding your breath. That just makes you feel worse! If you feel like you "can't move a muscle", start with just one finger! That's "Actions (to make myself more comfortable)". How does that compare with what you usually do during a panic attack? Repeat This step is here because you might start feeling better, then feel another wave of panic. Your first reaction might then be to think "Oh No, it didn't work!". The Repeat step is here to remind you that it's OK if that happens. Just take it from the top again. It's not unusual or dangerous. You may go through several cycles, and you just need to repeat the AWARE steps again, as often as you need. How does that compare with what you usually do? End This is here to remind you that your panic attack will end; that all panic attacks end; that they end regardless of how you respond; that it's not your job to make the attack end; and that your only job is to make yourself as comfortable as possible while waiting for the attack to end. Have these statements been true for you? Don't take my word for it. Review your own history of panic attacks and see. And maybe the next time you panic, when you notice yourself thinking, once again, "Will this ever end?", you'll find yourself answering, "YES!"
July 10th, 2015 4:13pm
It can be hard not to be insecure in a relationship for people, however, being able to assess what type of person you are as well as understand your good qualities , understanding who you are opens the path to what you offer in your relationship based on your qualities, which will give you confidence to begin to be less insecure. It also is never wierd to ask others what they feel you offer in friendships and relationships. Sometimes we just need others to tell us how they feel about us to kickstart our own journey to self-enlightenment. This all is my thoughts, and should not be treated as law.
July 10th, 2015 8:27pm
Confidence and security in a relationship is built upon TRUST in one another. If you're feeling insecure, make sure you feel completely comfortable and honest with the other person and if not, work towards it one step at a time. Realize that the relationship began for a reason and that the passion you feel for each other is more important than other fears.
July 11th, 2015 4:09am
You shouldn't be in a relationship if your insecure, because before you get into one your suppose to better yourself so that when you get into a relationship your not feeling insecure
July 11th, 2015 5:51am
Firstly you have to learn to love yourself first. Believe your a good person and that you actually deserved to be loved for you. Insecurities comes from the belief where we think we do not deserve to have a happy relationship and or we think we are not up to scratch as a person to have someone truly interested in us. Once you learn to accept your a good person and deserving of love and enter into a relationship on equal footing things will improve for the better.
July 11th, 2015 8:32pm
Figure out what it is that you're insecure about. Your partner or yourself? And then think about why it is that your insecure. Do you not trust your partner? Do you find yourself feeling like you're not good enough? Discus with your partner about how your feeling and try to resolve any doubts you have in each other. This will bring you closer to each other and to yourself.
July 11th, 2015 9:52pm
Be who you are, and always remember that your partner chose to be with you. We all have our insecurities, it's part of being human, and most of us are too busy worrying about our own insecurities to notice anyone else's
July 12th, 2015 2:22am
First, love and appreciate yourself. Be the source of your own happiness. Allow your relationship to simply add to that happiness! Remember: Love is about appreciation, not possession. Appreciate yourself as well as the person you're with. Don't try to change and morph each other into something you're not. Instead, help each other grow and expand. Never tear one another down, but instead build each other up!
July 12th, 2015 10:52pm
Sometimes, it is hard to trust someone, and even when you feel you know them right, there are things that will sorprise you if you knew. It is okay to have secrets for your own, but you have to trust your partner the most you can, that way both of you are happy. If you feel like you cannot trust them enough, maybe it is time for you to see if that relationship is not toxic for you or both of you.
July 15th, 2015 9:13pm
Make sure you can trust your partner! Trust is the best thing in a relationship. Remember to love yourself before you love anyone else. You have to realise that you are beautiful, amazing, and brought to this world for a reason.
July 17th, 2015 11:17am
One of the easiest ways to become less insecure in a relationship is to make sure that you are in a healthy relationship, not a harmful one. make sure you are comfortable with your partner.
July 18th, 2015 12:06am
Think about why you're insecure, is it because of a past experience? Is it because you don't think you or your partner is trustworthy? If you feel insecure, it's either you or the person, if it's you, fix it. If it's the person, they're either not worth your trust , doesn't deserve you or just doesn't know how you're feeling in the first place. Be honest to yourself and to your partner.
July 18th, 2015 7:32pm
There are two things that should help you feel more secure. First, you should be perfectly honest with your partner as well as they should be with you, this could help you trust each other. Second, it has to do with your confidence, if you can work this, in order to become more independent and strong, you could probably feel way more relaxed and secure :)
July 19th, 2015 4:46am
Talking it out is one way. Talk to your partner, insecurities are a common part of any relationship. However, when left unchecked, insecurities often bloom into unexpected problems, such as excessive stress, depression, or even eating disorders. Sit down with your significant other half and tell them how you feel, without accusing them. Maybe all you need is some extra love:) God bless
July 19th, 2015 5:31pm
A key factor in relationships is TRUST. It may be difficult at first but it will ultimately lead you to happier and healthier relationship. Furthermore you should understand that your significant other likes you for you and would not be in this relationship if they felt otherwise. There is something spectacular about you that they love and that's why they are with you.
July 23rd, 2015 1:13pm
Get to know your partner well and share everything with them. Be perfectly honest about your lives. That helps in building trust and removing insecurity. Also, give them a reason to be with you, make them happy so they feel special.
July 23rd, 2015 4:04pm
you can start by talking to your partner about it. communication is the key to any good relationship :)
July 23rd, 2015 10:09pm
Communication is key to any relationship, along with trust. You should identify the reason why you're feeling insecure and speak about it with your partner.
July 24th, 2015 12:56pm
Mutual honestly. Talk to your partner about whatever makes you feel insecure. It's always better to talk to each other than about each other. He or She will understand.
July 24th, 2015 7:31pm
Firstly, I'd say to talk to your partner about the way you feel, opening up can do wonders and may help you relax more. Self Confidence Courses may also be helpful.