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What to do when you feel you are not good enough for someone?

268 Answers
Last Updated: 03/23/2024 at 11:25pm
1 Tip to Feel Better
United States
Moderated by

Tracy-Kate Teleke, PsyD, M.A., LMFT

Marriage & Family Therapist

I assist adults and couples in CA experiencing relationship challenges and interpersonal struggles including anxiety, depression, and a myriad of other life challenges.

Top Rated Answers
glasseyedgrace
January 17th, 2022 4:46am
Sometimes, when we have low self-esteem, we may feel like we are "not good enough." These thoughts can stem from many things, such as core values taught to us in childhood, or our parents may struggle with low self- esteem also, which tends to influence our own views of self. There are many ways to work toward improving self_esteem, such as practicing self love, and learning to use different coping skills. Sometimes we may have to try and heal our inner child, and heal the wounds of our past. It takes time and it won't happen over night, but soon you will start to see yourself differently. This may sound silly, but every morning, go to the mirror and tell your reflection that you are strong, you matter, you are good enough, and you deserve to be happy. And try to smile while talking to your reflection. Negative self talk and image has a major effect on our self-esteem, so we must change our way of thinking in order to reprogram our minds. Good luck, you deserve to be happy and you are more than good enough!! I hope it all works out for you! Thank you for being brave enough to ask this question!!
froyopeach
January 17th, 2022 6:53am
Feeling not good enough might be influenced by several things, things such as demanding parents, constant comparison over social media that makes us devalue our self-worth, damaging our self-esteem, and increasing our self-doubt. The first step is to acknowledge our emotions as human beings, forgive ourselves and let go of the inner critic that leads to the negative self-talk. Warm ourselves with positive emotions and let go of the things we cannot control. Believe in our own values and believe that as an individual we have done our best our whole life and every individual is an amazing person in their unique way. It might be challenging at some point to regain self-confidence, but start by practising the step-by-step process of self-love and compassion by doing things that you value so you feel less worried about feeling not good enough. Good luck!
Anonymous
February 2nd, 2022 4:00am
I like to work hard on my self growth, so if I am satisfied with my focus and progress, chances are I won't feel that I'm 'not good enough' for others. Yet, I watch for performance and self-improvement always, so I like to keep myself aware of my areas that require improvement and additional work, so I take every opportunity that will help me either improve or develop new skills for aiming at becoming the best possible version of myself. If I feel I am 'not good enough,' even though others think highly of my outcome, then I know I have to work on my perfectionism, which is another side of me that requires my attention at times. Like anything else in life, balance is key. I think it is important to be conscious of my strengths and weaknesses and to focus on self-growth without negatively affecting anybody, including myself.
Anonymous
February 16th, 2022 11:37pm
I usually do things that uplift myself. This could include going for a run to clear my head or going and cleaning my room to organize a part of my life. When I feel like I am not good enough for someone, I have to remind myself that it has nothing to do with my character or the type of person I am. I often have to tell myself that I am worthy and do things that bring me joy. Just being by myself sometimes can help me not feel this way. There are so many ways to uplift yourself.
Anonymous
February 21st, 2022 11:18pm
Unfortunately, this is not an uncommon experience. Many individuals experience these feelings of self-doubt about their partner or relationship. Let me assure you: human beings are not perfect. There could be several reasons for this examination of self-worth and feelings of self-doubt. It could be that your self-confidence was negatively affected as a child by your parents or family members; you question your self-worth because it’s knocked down through posts from people in relationships on social media; or perhaps you are afraid of rejection. The good news is it doesn’t have to be this way. First step, identify the real reason for your self-doubt. Once you’ve identified the reason. Some suggestions to enhance your self-confidence include: avoid engaging with your inner-critic too much instead spend some good time in activities and with family members and friends to build your confidence and sense of self-worth, communicate openly with your partner about this feeling you have about your relationship and listen to what they say, or if you believe your feelings of poor self-worth stem because of trauma or other serious issues, consider therapy. Good luck!
ItsKayja
February 23rd, 2022 5:48pm
It is not uncommon to feel like you are not good enough for your partner, and not appreciating your own self-worth. You must remember to be kind to yourself, remember that you are worth so much because you are an amazing person. You are more than good enough for anybody because you are you, and there is no one else on this earth that is you. As long as you know you are doing your best for someone or something, then you are certainly good enough, and no-one can take that away from you. Never put yourself down because you are doing an amazing job of being you.
BlissfulNarration
February 25th, 2022 10:14pm
I would look into why I feel that way. Is there a particular trait I feel inadequate in? Is the person better at something than me? Do I know I could be better but just don’t try? Identifying the reason I feel that way is step one. Then moving on from that point to see if I really need to step it up, if my feelings are baseless, or if I need to seek help is step two. After I know the reason of why I feel I am out of someone’s league, I can act to change my feelings, myself, or the situation through proactive steps to solve my main issue. Identifying why I feel not good enough is the first step to moving forward.
elliefriend22
February 26th, 2022 4:36pm
Whenever I feel like I am not good enough for someone, I usually start to sink into a depressed state and try to distract myself by scrolling on social media. But recently I’ve been trying a new tactic to overcome this feeling…instead of focusing on the other person, I choose to focus on myself. I ask myself, “What can I do in this moment to improve my mental health?” I often come to the conclusion that instead of laying down, staring at my phone, and waiting for the person to respond, I will do something that is good for me instead. Sometimes I’ll take a walk, practice self care, or clean my room. Not only does it take my mind off of that feeling of inadequacy, but it also helps me to redirect my focus towards something productive I can do that promotes happiness and healthy self-esteem.
KBeauty12
March 10th, 2022 8:51pm
In that period, it is good to release those negative emotions, one easy way, is to cry it out. At times, one may start to examine oneself, creating negative emotions which can erode one self esteem and self confidence. Before one can move on to another relationship, one should take this time to go to therapy, have a support system from friends and family by communication means and work on becoming a better person. There is always a lesson learn in every relationship. Sit down and have a honest inner critic with yourself. Practice more self love and make it a daily habit to improve on oneself. When the timing is right, you will meet that amazing person who is enough for you.
Train1
March 11th, 2022 5:22am
Many people hope to get great things from healthy relationships; however, due to problems with their self-esteem brought on by negative self-talk, poor communication with the ones they love, or too much time spent on social media, they may feel that they are not good enough for someone. This someone could be their parent, partner, or any other family member. It is important to silence the inner critic, reduce your self-doubt and find your self-love. The first step is to find the real reason why this is happening to you. This can be done by seeking out therapy. This can be done professionally or just by talking to someone to regain your self-confidence and become a better person. No matter who you are, you need to realize that you are amazing and that you have a voice that can be used to create your own good news that can be shared with everyone. At the end of the day, if you understand your own worth, you will understand that you are good enough for anyone.
MtFreedom
March 25th, 2022 4:29am
First figure out if you're feeling this way because of something that is happening internally, or because of something someone else did or said. I like ask myself deep down where is this feeling of "not good enough" coming from and who ultimately determines when I am good enough? The answer is I (you) do. In taking an honest inventory, ask yourself, "Are you are you trying to change yourself to bend to become someone else's version of who they think you should be?" Is their version of you in alignment with who you want to be? If so what are you willing to change so that you will feel good enough for yourself? If the other person's version of you doesn't align with your own morals and beliefs, then perhaps it's time to reevaluate the amount of weight you give to that person's judgement.
Anonymous
April 13th, 2022 5:02pm
I think a lot of people have that question about themselves, and I've questioned that before, as well. It's really just some insecurities that people have with themselves. The first thing you should do is to accept who you are and take a step back. Think about your relationships with people you know and think about if THEY are good enough for YOU. Because if they make you feel this way, then you shouldn't really have a relationship with that person. A good friend and person would make you feel good about yourself, not the other way around. You are good enough, and I hope that you accept who you are.
comfortspace12343
April 30th, 2022 9:21am
I have personally gone through this so I can tell you from the bottom of heart that the only thing you can do is focus on yourself and learn to accept what happened to make you feel like this. If you don't accept the reality of the situation, you cannot heal from it and it might even cause a chain reaction of bad things that lead to worsening mental health. You need to take some time for yourself, accept what happened to make you feel like this, and realise that it is the person who made you feel like you aren't good enough that isn't good enough for you because you clearly cared about this person and they didn't appriciate that. It's their loss. And you are good enough. Tell yourself everyday until you start to believe it. Take care of yourself :)
NomadAltair
May 6th, 2022 10:13am
We all go down this path sometimes, don't we? Ashamed of ourselves, the fear of abandonment that the person will leave us because we are not good enough for them. And then we try to fix these things by changing our behaviours and patterns in a very unhealthy way. And this only causes self-sabotage and we end up losing so many traits and things about us that we used to love. It is important to know that love and validation is crucial in any kind of a relationship but overthinking about what we aren't/can't do, we can instead think and try to do the things that we can do to make the person feel loved, better and in turn us feeling special and cared for. It is twisted, I know. But in the end, we all learn from our experiences.
PlymouthPhotog
May 8th, 2022 2:52pm
When one acquires these feels, they must think as to WHY they are feeling this way. There is always a root to one's thought process and why they feel one way or another. A trigger, what was once said to them by those who they feel they are not worthy of. Speak to this person. Ask them why they have treated you in such a way to grasp a better understanding of why they have made you feel less than. Maybe write a letter stating your feelings and have then respond in person or in writing a letter back to you. It's hard to understand the feelings and thoughts that we have sometimes when we do not know where they are stemming from. It's always best to look deep inside first, and then reach out to those who have made you feel this way.
wonderfulRainbow817
May 15th, 2022 2:46am
This is a great question as so many of us struggle with it. Often times it has to do with our self worth and self love. If we view ourselves negatively then we frequently are going to feel like we aren't good enough for others. The best way to shake this feeling off is to take some time to yourself to relax and start loving yourself again. That could be through self care or taking the time to do an activity that raises your self-esteem. Family, spouses, friends, coworkers, etc. are all people we try to be good enough for but the truth is that with some people we will never achieve this. Instead, try to remember the amazing person you are. What matters is how you view yourself, not what others think. You control your destiny and only you can decide how it will go, not someone who you can never be good enough for.
Anonymous
July 9th, 2022 12:47am
I'm sorry to hear that you are feeling like you are not good enough right now 😔. Negative self-talk and self-doubt are common struggles among nearly everyone. Please know that you are SO not alone in feeling this way. It is easy to see others in our lives or on social media and their seemingly perfect lives and to judge ourselves harshly for not measuring up. Our self-esteem and self-worth is shattered when we do this, and the comparisons are not even fair when we really think about it. Even looking at our partners or children, our family members or close friends - do we really know everything about them? There are so many struggles that we don't see, even in those we are closest with. People may be struggling at home, at work, or in their relationships. They may have insecurities, trauma, or other invisible mental battles we so often face alone in the hidden places of our minds. We are all human. Every one of us. And being human comes with imperfection. But it also comes with inherent value. You are an amazing person and you have value to this world. Sure, you are imperfect. You struggle. You doubt yourself and fall into the comparison trap. So do I. So do all of us, I think. But having imperfections doesn't make you less than anyone else. It doesn't make you less valuable or less worthy… or less anything. In fact, I'd be willing to bet that this person that you feel is better than you has insecurities of his or her own. So my answer to your question - what should I do if I am not good enough for someone? My answer for you - and for all of us is this: realize that you are. You are good enough. Because it's the truth. 💜💜💜
sweetgrandpa
August 4th, 2022 5:41pm
It is interesting to note that the term “feel” is used in the question asked, that is to say that something is perceived not through rational means, but through feelings. Feelings are like automatic programs that are being built by lived experiences, traumas and the learning we have in our growth where what is accepted in our environment becomes validated and what is not accepted we try to delete from our attitudes. The problem is that we have a way of being because we are unique beings, and each individual understands the same situation in different ways. I see the way out of this in what we can call self-acceptance, which would be the ability to accept yourself and embrace all that you are. Thoughts, emotions, speeches, actions, personality traits, strengths and weaknesses The question will certainly arise, “And how to develop this skill? “Here are some tips: First, it would be to reflect on your difficulty in accepting yourself, to ask yourself what prevents you from accepting yourself without restrictions? Is your self perception negative? Is that what someone said a long time ago? It is important to take time for this reflection and write down what is perceived. Another possibility would be to identify your personality traits, what we call self-knowledge, there is also the tip of recording not only the negative points, but what you are good at, skillful and seen as a good, resume the previous reflection exercise, but this time, focus on identifying your personality traits. If you can't think of many, ask people you trust for help. The last step I can cite would be to raise your self-esteem, with this new knowledge about yourself in hand, make a third list only with positive personality traits and achievements, forget about comparisons with other people and see daily everything that benefits you. environment in which he lives even without getting approval about it. Don't forget, be kind and complacent with yourself, seek support whenever you need it, our chats are a great option and remember that we are passengers in life and we are constantly learning.
Anxin
August 16th, 2022 8:46am
One can feel guilty about not being good for someone like parents, partner or friends. This makes one lose self-esteem and self-worth. The good news is that the best solution to this problem is through self-love. Spending some quality time with oneself and working on improving is the first step to curb the inner critic, self-doubt and negative self-talk. One must remind themself that they are amazing. This will boost their self-confidence and improve their sense of self. They will have better and healthier relationships and will look forward to great things. At the end of the day it's the self that is absolute constant.
optimisticLand3199
August 17th, 2022 12:38am
Occasionally we would have self-doubt or negative self-talk that we are not good enough for someone such as our family, friends or relatives. This could feel stressful and we may not know what to do. Here are some ways which may help. 1. Whenever we realise that our inner critics say that we are not good enough, we can label it as a thought. A thought may or may not be real. 2. Investigate. We should reflect upon the reasons why we think we are not good enough. List down the areas we are good enough and then the areas we are not good enough. 3. See if it is really true that our self-critic is real by going through the list. 4. If we find out that we actually have a greater number of good than bad, then we should come to the conclusion that our self-critic is wrong. 5. If instead, we find that there are areas which we are lacking, we can plan on how to improve it through small steps. All in all, stay positive and optimistic! View challenges as a positive thing where they inform us that we can potentially grow.
sweetBerry15
August 22nd, 2022 8:04am
Sometimes it's difficult to realise your self worth, as the negativity around you can sabotage your whole life. Others can not understand the emotions and more than the others it's your inner critic that keeps on giving you a negative self talk. And to top it all now a days even social media might force a perception about perfection into the mind making you feel at the bottom of everything. Human beings have a need of validation, this makes us believe we are not good enough if someone doesn't approve of us. The good news is that you are not alone because everyone goes through this phase. Right now you only need to focus on your emotions and take the first step to build your self confidence. The best way to do that is by surrounding yourself with you loved ones, parents, partner or children. They can see in you the amazing person that you can't see. So, the right thing to do now is to take a small break from all the chaos that is building up in your mind. These chaos can be resorted only through communication, and if communication with family doesn't help you, therapy can also work wonders. At the end of the day, if your mind is healthy and blooming then only you can create healthy relationships. Please remember you are a strong person and you are loved.
WhenTheTimeComes
August 25th, 2022 1:23am
Human beings often have an internal voice (though some individuals only think in pictures) which can easily influence their whole life. Did you know that we modeled how we talk to ourselves on the way adults (parents, teachers…) used to address us when we were children? When we grow up loved and surrounded by healthy relationships, our brain has received the information needed to express self-love to ourselves. With encouragement (“You can do it, good luck!”) and comfort ( “You didn’t win, yet you still had a good time!”) during negative emotions such as fear or disappointment, our internal communication reminds us of our self-worth within the moments challenging our self-confidence. Alas, not everyone benefits from a healthy environment when growing up. Any form of abuse, neglect, or bullying... from family members or influential individuals from our childhood can set negative self-talk that plays our inner critic instead of helping us manage our emotions. It is the real reason some individuals may seem to you as if to them it was effortless to do the right thing and have success and happiness in their lives while you feel stuck sabotaging yourself with self-doubt. The good news is : it's possible to become this partner for yourself who tells you that you are good enough and reminds you of the great things you did or the amazing person you are. In therapy, developing this cheering voice isn’t just the best way to never feel like you are not good enough for someone. At the end of the day it also enables you to become a better person, more aware of your inner mechanisms, and more supportive of others’ successes. A first step to improving your self-esteem could be to reframe your thoughts the next time you see something on social media that makes you feel like you’re not good enough. For example, when I witness someone’s success I can feel sad as my internal voice reminds me immediately of my failures. So I close my eyes, relax my body by breathing slowly and allow myself to feel sad that no one was celebrating my successes with me when I was little, nor comforting me when I failed. I picture my adult self standing by my inner child and hugging her, giving her the emotional response I should have had as a child.
calmMango9611
October 30th, 2022 6:17am
Remember, that you did your best, to help. Please do not worry, if you could not help them. Remember, you cannot help everyone. So keep that in mind. Remember, there will be other people you can help. Do not worry about helping everyone. If you only help, one person, it is worth it. Why? Because in this world of ours, we some times act like, we are the only ones who can help. Which is not true. Anyone on any day, can help each other. For some people, your going to be a good fit for. For others you will not be a good fit for. So please keep that in mind. I hope this answers your questions,
Anonymous
January 25th, 2023 7:35am
I know it's normal and it's ok. I'll try to calm myself down and try to accept myself. I can't fit in something that isn't for me but the world is big enough to have enough options for me. Sometimes it can be hard to accept me as I am. Fortunately, I can understand what I need to support my feelings. It can be hard when we compare ourselves to social media. We couldn't gain what our parents want, some people compare us face to face, the relationship failure and more. I can take care of myself and understand myself better than any human does. I know what is best for me.
SilverSeastar
August 3rd, 2023 8:09am
Whether it is to our friends, partner, parents, children, or other family members, we sometimes may feel like we are not good enough. Many people can relate to this. The curated content in social media may also affect our self-esteem negatively. We are all human beings. Even the most amazing person can struggle with self-confidence and feeling inadequate if their inner voice says so. The good news is our negative feelings do not always reflect reality. We may feel inadequate, but perhaps the real reason is the loud inner critic inside us, not because we are inadequate. We do not have to feel this way our whole life. We can certainly work towards building a healthy relationship with ourselves so that we feel enough. The best way to do this is through cultivating self-love. Great things can happen when we love who we are. What matters the most is you love yourself and enjoy being who you are. Others' perceptions of us should not come before our love for ourselves. The first step is to recognise that our self-worth is not tied to anything. We are enough just as we are. We are much more than our thoughts and feelings. We are much better than what our self-doubt and negative self-talk say, so we should be confident in our own skin. Self-confidence means "knowing who I am, liking who I am, and wanting to lift others with me." It is helpful to remember there is no upper limit to being a good person; what matters is we keep striving to grow. Reflection is a tool to become a better and better version of ourselves. It is also important to remember that we want to be a better person for ourselves, first and foremost. We want to feel enough for ourselves, not to fulfil someone else’s expectations. If we want to be good enough for person A while person B wants something different, this can cause an identity crisis. If we have no stable sense of identity, will we be happy? Moreover, maintaining healthy communication with ourselves is essential. We should be careful with how we talk to ourselves; we do not want to give more power to the cognitive distortions that say we are not good enough. This is why positive self-affirmations can be a powerful tool for healthy self-esteem. Therapy is another option if we need professional help. Therapists can give us more useful information according to our specific situations. At the end of the day, though, therapy is not always available or accessible for everyone. I hope this helps you figure out the next right thing to do to feel good enough. Good luck, and I hope you have a good time through the process of accepting and loving yourself, whoever you are.
enigmaticpanda4152
December 28th, 2023 5:57pm
Its normal to feel like you are not good enough for someone- A question to ask yourself and be mindful about is whether or not you put that particular person on a pedestal (do you idolise them and think they can do no wrong?). The other side of the argument could be the viewpoint that when we partner with someone who lowers our self-esteem, we can develop negative self-worth towards ourselves be it appearance, status, education, relational skills. With the popularity of social media we can feel like we fall short of what society considers ideal (e.g. the ideal man, woman, car, house, college/university etc). If you have ever found yourself backing someone up and saying no to mistreatment of others then why not to yourself? Self care is important and once we neglect this we cannot give our all. Remembering that we are mere human beings and we feel emotions could unlock great things within us can send the message to others and to ourselves that we have something to offer. The good news is that we can always work on ourselves to become a better person if we are willing to make fair changes. At the end of the day do you choose to let others opinions (good or bad) impact you? Does your body language or way of speaking communicate to others you dont feel worthy? You are welcome to chat with one of our listeners to explore your confidence and what triggers that internal dialogue in your mind that you aren't good enough. The best way to overcome could be self-love; being kind to ourselves is the first step towards building healthy relationships. You deserve the chance to build healthy relationships with yourself and others. As the famous proverb says: "You cannot serve from an empty cup."
CocoaCassie
January 22nd, 2024 3:27pm
My thoughts on the first step on what to do when you feel you are not good enough for someone would be to speak to your parents and other family members, if possible. At the end of the day, they have known you your whole life and might be able to boost your self-confidence and tell you what an amazing person you are. It’s far too easy when looking at things like social media to fall prey to self-doubt and let your inner critic have a voice. Human beings have always had a way of being too critical and not using communication effectively, but the good news is that you can do great things without needing anyone’s approval. Believe in yourself and you will see that the real reason you were feeling that you weren't good enough is because you care! You will do the right thing. Smile and step forward - you got this! Good luck!
InsightfulPhoenix
March 23rd, 2024 11:25pm
When you do not feel good enough for someone this could be because you have taken a moment to reflect and notice your values/beliefs and the other individuals values/beliefs are not aligned. Not feeling good enough can stem from trauma and can personally have nothing to do with you as a person. It can be very important to ask yourself the extent to which you put others on a pedestal and vice versa. Its easy to be shaped nowadays by societal ideals of perfection (e.g. the ideal look, occupation, goals, dreams, accolades) when in reality all human beings are imperfect and have trauma they are working on healing. Treat yourself as human and not invincible - please continue to be gracious with yourself because at the end of the day you are doing the very best that you can even though it does not seem like it. You are welcome to chat 1-1 with one of our listeners to receive emotional support in a safe space.