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Why do I feel bad when someone does something nice for me, specially if they buy me gifts?

142 Answers
Last Updated: 07/30/2020 at 5:28pm
Why do I feel bad when someone does something nice for me, specially if they buy me gifts?
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Canada
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Maryna Svitasheva, PhD. RP

Licensed Professional Counselor

Psychotherapy I provide is based on a dialog and your active intention to look for a solution with the therapist's assistance

Top Rated Answers
bubbletea9121
June 21st, 2019 10:59am
I feel bad when somebody does something nice for me or buys me gifts because I appreciate their thought they’ve had of me and want them to feel equal as I do. It’s not pleasant for one person to be giving for the ones happiness, it must be shared together, with each other. Not alone. For me to be able to express gratitude for something the other person has to feel the same way as me, if they don’t it puts a feeling of guilt inside me. Feeling grateful and happy together is the best way anyone can not feel guilty.
Anonymous
July 4th, 2019 1:08pm
It can be hard to accept nice things because you feel like you're not deserving or you're just a very humble person, and that's not a bad thing! But you should allow other people to do nice things for you, it's coming from a place of caring and possibly love and you should allow that into your life. So instead of feeling bad (which I know can be hard, sometimes it's just automatic) just practice being thankful. It's one thing to say thank you and another to actually be thankful. If someone does something really nice that means they're grateful for you and want to show their gratitude. Allow yourself to accept these nice things and tell yourself that you deserve it, because you do!
Anonymous
December 11th, 2019 3:18am
The question isn't really why do you feel bad about people doing something nice for you... It's why do you feel like people shouldn't celebrate you and how they see you. How do you feel about that question instead? A person's value in their own eyes is never the same as through the eyes of another. We are all our own worst critics. If we can take a moment and think about how the person giving us a gift or a compliment feels to have taken such a bold step to break out of their own comfort zone and pick something they think you will like to have or hear, then Thank you really isn't enough sometimes to express the celebration of their own presentation of a gift.
CuringwithLove
December 25th, 2019 12:33pm
The reason why you and others feel bad when someone does something nice for you is that you have this feeling called unworthiness. When someone feels unworthy, in the presence of an act of kindness, the action itself acts as a reminder of your own inner value, which is something that unworthiness consistently tries to deny or reject - the very fact that you matter. While we might have the tendency to link unworthiness to actions or outcomes that might bring you shame and/or guilt, once you realize that you matter, the light of love that dwells in you allows everything to be forgiven with compassion, and see the act of kindness as a catapult to not only what you can receive, but also what your soul is ready to give.
Merridith
January 16th, 2020 9:06am
Some people are raised in a way that they should feel grateful and thankful for a gift so as a child being told how to feel and think. As an adult receiving a gift or having something nice done for us that can bring back childhood thinking. Being/behaving grateful and thankful and feeling it are two separate things. Yes we should feel happy when someone does something nice, even if we express that to the giver at the time and then quietly explore reasons why we are still stuck in that negative pattern that we were raised, through meditation and self affirmation this is possible. It takes a life time to heal. No one should need permission think or feel anything a certain way, yet as a child we are told by parents who were on doing their best at the time with the circumstances they were given. Forgiveness is the key
Thedoctorsdoctor
February 2nd, 2020 12:20pm
I understand it from my own perspective; embarrassment, feeling unworthy, or because its out of my comfort zone. Regardless, learning to accept it for what it is can alleviate any stress or anxiousness about it. Even if i dont think i deserve it, the idea that pops in my head is "if i feel like i dont deserve it, i need to do or be better than before". Progress is a healthy way to channel anxiety. It can really be used as fuel to combat and overcome. Accepting that my ideology, that this gift is not something i deserve, is wrong is in my opinion the first step in conquering our mind from itself.
empathicSalamander45
February 19th, 2020 4:26pm
When we feel uncomfortable when someone does something nice for us, it's usually because we aren't used to doing nice things for ourselves or, on some level, don't think we are worthy of nice gestures or presents. This can also happen if you feel you haven't been accepted by your friends or family growing up, or if you've suffered losses in the past that have made you insecure or maybe you now find it difficult to trust others. Practicing self-love, positive thoughts, affirmations and accepting ourselves with all our flaws and virtues will make you more open to love and attention from other people! Good luck!
Soloya
March 4th, 2020 11:36am
I know that I sometimes feel bad or even guilty once someone continues doing nice things for me, like paying for my lunch, staying a while to listen to me venting or getting me many lovely gifts. And I’ve realized that I forget that this person loves me and that they’re expressing their care with their nice actions and it’s no a burden on them to do so, they’re in fact have chosen to do so on their own will because it makes them feel good. Feeling negative like that towards receiving their kindness is like feeling undeserving of that love and care, which leads back to either a lack of gratitude or self love. I used to feel like they shouldn’t spend all their money on things for me and instead get something for themselves to make more use out of it, but this thought means that I’m forgetting that this person is happy and pleased to give me something that may make me happy. It’s not a burden on them to do so as they could simply be a generous person who finds happiness in giving out and helping others ♡
BayaPassion9729
March 18th, 2020 12:52am
You do not feel comfortable with receiving. There is no right or wrong- it is about acknowledging the feeling in the present and starting to identify the tools to help you conquer it. ask yourself- how do i feel when i give gifts to others? may be it fills your heart with joy- especially when you see that you put a smile on their face. put yourself in the shoes of the person giving you the gift or doing something for you- also ask yourself- how do i truly feel when someone helps me? what is driving me to feel that way? dive deep and peel out the layers to identify the root cause of your behavior and work on it one step at a time.
Anonymous
March 18th, 2020 10:31am
It will not you bad if the gift is workable or I can say that, the gift which you want. Mainly a repeated gifts or something which you don't like will make you feel bad.If you expect a gift and you will find something else will feel you bad. I also feels the same if my choice is taking as granted and I got a gift which is not useful or which is not needed. Everyone has a expectations and all want the other should follow the same but it is not the case every time and we cannot force our things on others.
Anonymous
May 22nd, 2020 6:53am
Instead of being happy at the gift, a negative feeling arises. It may stem from a feeling that perhaps you do not deserve it or did not do anything worthy enough to be given a gift. When you receive a gift, you assess your actions or performance and conclude that it is not satisfactory enough for a reward. Instead of looking at the gift as simply "a gift, " it becomes a reward for your actions--which you feel is lacking. You may also feel bad when someone buys you a gift because they are spending money on something you do not deserve. Although you may feel bad when someone buys you things, remember that you are worthy enough and deserving of gifts.
Kayla4Help
May 27th, 2020 10:23pm
Sometimes due to our own trauma or self esteem, we feel unworthy of the things others do for/offer to us. It is important to remember that gift giving is a love language and we are all deserving of love. Typically, when you do go out of your way to do something for someone, or when you give a gift, why do you do it? Does it feel like a burden? Dose it make you happy to give? Chances are some one did something nice for you, or gave you a gift because they love you! Accepting it is ok!
Anonymous
May 31st, 2020 7:21am
You are not used to affection. It's how you have been raised. Your childhood taught you that affection, in any form, is not normal and therefore I should never be getting it. its okay. unlearn the cycle of abuse. try to teach yourself that you are worthy of love and affection, even if you are not used to getting it. everytime someone gets you a gift, remind yourself that that got it for you because they love you and care for you and this is their way of showing it. and you are very worthy of this love and care.
GeorginasRayoflittleLight
June 14th, 2020 2:52pm
There may be a lot of reasons why you feel bad about this situation... maybe you dont really trust the person so its hard for you to accept gifts or kindness from them. We all feel a bit flustered when people are nice to us, but its important that we learn to feel grateful about these things, cuz not everyone is willing to do nice things for us. Unless the person isnt being genuine , its okay to say thank you, and its okay to smile about it. Regardless of why you feel bad when someone does something nice for you, i hope even more people will be nice to you, so that you can smile :)
CalmRosebud
June 17th, 2020 1:55pm
Perhaps you do not think, in some deeper way, that you are worthy of the gifts, even though you have clearly earned them through your actions of care towards that person. However, this can be hard to decipher if you feel that the gift if unwarranted or is being used as a bribe of some sort, whether for your attention or time. This can be confusing to the psyche. This can be manifest by your feeling bad when someone does something nice for you, especially if they buy you gifts, if you do not believe that there is reciprocality in the relationship. I hope this helps.
wonderousPenguin
June 18th, 2020 3:02pm
I feel like this from time to time, and it's perfectly normal. For me at least, it's because I feel i can't reciprocate that giving in the same way, and this can make us feel bad or helpless. But if you put yourself in their shoes, they have likely given you a gift or done something nice because they value you as a person and want to show their appreciation. That, or they're just being nice for the sake of it. Either way, there is nothing wrong with embracing this, even if initially we feel like we can't give back at that specific time. Just maybe try and enjoy the moment, as it's likely also why they gave something to you- to make you feel better!
JaeMeika
June 18th, 2020 3:37pm
Maybe you feel that you don’t deserve and this person has wasted their time and money. That could be why you feel bad as in guilt. If you are feeling bad as in angry, it could be for the same origin reason but your mind could be responding differently. Like, “why are they getting gifts for the worthless human that is me?! They’re so stupid!” Either way, you need to realize that they truly care for you and you are worth all this. You’re a good person. I know it. If you ever need to talk, I’m here for you. -Jae
joyfulMemories21
June 28th, 2020 8:42pm
I can relate and often feel the same way. I have found a unique sensitivity which I feel makes me an empathetic person. However, when people do things such as give me gifts I feel guilty. I've dealt with this all my life, and while I love to give gifts and do things for others, I don't particularly like the idea of someone else giving their time towards me. It was almost a matter of not believing I'm worth any time or effort being put towards me. Christmas, holidays, and birthdays can be rough times for people who feel this way. It's not that we're crazy, but while everyone is different we can observe reflection within ourselves to see what we can change, or do better. Much love, joyfulMemories21
Anonymous
July 4th, 2020 9:30pm
I know this feeling, it may be because you feel like you don't deserve these things. You may feel bad about yourself and can't see that others actually care about you and want to take care of you. Maybe, you don't want them to "waste" their time for you. You may not like yourself a lot right now and you don't see how anyone else can. But they can and the do! This is a common feeling that many people have experienced and it is very hard to overcome, it takes time and patience. I'm very sorry you feel this way.
LiliMonroe
July 9th, 2020 9:38am
This feeling is usually caused by feeling like you receive too much and give back too little. If you feel guilty about people being nice to you, try being nice to them back. If someone gives you a gift, get them one too, if someone is kind to you be kind to them as well, once you learn to give back the same kindness and do nice things to others, just like they do to you. You should feel better about yourself once you see people being happy and thankful about something you did or gave them.
OrdinaryJen
July 12th, 2020 9:17pm
Everyone has what I call little "brain lies." These are things our brain makes up about ourselves, our life, our relationships, and our environment that are not actually true. Most often, these "brain lies" are things someone told us long ago, or implied about us through their actions. One of the most common "brain lies" is the idea that "I'm not worthy of ...." In your example, "I'm not worthy of anything nice or any gifts." I would definitely suggest exploring (potentially with a therapist) what could have been planted in your psyche that makes you feel as though you aren't worthy of someone's kindness!
StarLight11x
July 30th, 2020 5:28pm
It is lovely that you are receiving gifts and someone is doing nice things for you. I understand about feeling bad and even it being hard to accept something from someone. From my experience I learnt it was to do with it's had to do with self-worth. I didn't feel worthy enough to accept gifts or nice things for me as my first thought would be, "Why are they doing this for me?" I realised that made a big impact on myself and also the person doing a lovely thing for me. I missed out on the appreciation and being grateful that someone wants to give me because I felt as though I never deserved it in the first place. I would recommend trying to say "Thank you" and imagine how you would feel if you did something lovely for someone and how you would react to it.