How can I convince myself that my friends don't hate me? I have this irrational fear that they actually hate me.
Last Updated: 12/03/2021 at 5:47am
Anna Pavia, psicologa psicoterapeuta psychotherapist psychologist counselor
Licensed Professional Counselor
I feel my work as my personal mission and I love it. My work with clients is nonjudgmental, supportive. I am a very good listener. I use several approaches. Amo il mio lavoro.
Top Rated Answers
It's always best to not assume. But there are many signs that may indicate that your friends may not like you. Signs like: They seem upset when you come around. They don't include you within their plans. You always have to reach out and speak to them first. Their mood changes when you're around. Again, it's not good to assume. But sometimes people can feel when something is not right. You can even talk to them about it, to break away from that worry. Try to get them on the same page as you.
You need to see things objectively. Do they treat you bad? Would they help you if you required help? Do they invite you to their plans? Are you the one doing all the work of the friendship? If those all indicate a lack of friendship, they probably do not like you as much, but that would't mean they hate you. Often we think we are hated, but it is only due to low self-esteem, as we do not love ourselves, we expect all others not to like us either. If you start treating yourself nicely, and you are able to grow towards what you want to be, the opinion of others shouldn't matter.
I've had serious issues with this myself, and it is very hard to deal with. It's difficult in that position to not go overboard in seeking reassurance, at least for some. As hard as it can be to counter those irrational feelings with reasonable answers, it may help to quell some of it. Try to remember times when you've helped your friends, and try to remember times that they've helped you. If the relationship isn't reciprocal, then it really isn't worth maintaining. Think of times you've exchanged gifts, times when they've invited you to join them. Remind yourself that people wouldn't keep you around if they hated you. Try, as hard as it is, to hold onto things like that.
My suggestion would be to ask. I know it is a scary bought but if you really, truly believe that then you should ask and see how they react. It's easy to question our thoughts but you must have a reason for coming to that conclusion. It's never a bad thing to validate your emotions by asking. My second suggestion is consider your relationship with your friends; what do you do together, how do you communicate and what sort of feelings do you associate with your friends: happiness, sadness, comfort etc. Just take a second. Breathe. And evaluate.
This may sound cliché, but talk to them. Not necessarily about feeling like they hate you, but if you talk about things that are bothering you or if you can have deep talks it may help you understand one another and defuse some of that worry.
Communicate your feelings. Talk to your friends and let them know that you might need to be reminded of their love every once in a while.
Think about how you feel about your friends, do you secretly hate them? The chances are you don't, and they don't either. They may feel the same way you do! I think a lot of people go through those thoughts, and it's totally normal because friends are people that mean a lot to you, and of course you want to mean a lot to them too!
I totally understand the feeling! Just know that they wouldn't be your friends, spend time with you, or talk to you if they didn't even like you. Have confidence in yourself and relax, your friends are your friends because they love you for who you are. Don't ever doubt that!
Be open with your feelings to your friends and ask them directly, rather than allowing your brain to go completely haywire based on an assumption that may not even be true. Being open and communicating a good amount for you and the other poeple are the most important steps to take.
This is a pretty common fear that many people have. Sometimes it's important to remember that these people are here because they like you, no one has the time to hang around people they don't. Try talking to them about this anxiety.
It's actually positive that you recognize the irrational fear. You can't necessarily convince yourself otherwise. Start with addressing the fear, ask yourself , why am I afraid of this? And then go from there.
Well think positive, talk to them , and I'm pretty sure they don't hate you maybe there just going threw a hard time .
They wouldn't be your friends if they didn't like you. And if you feel bothered by it, talk with them instead of assuming the worst.
actually ask the question and make your friends aware of how you're feeling instead of being stuck in your own mind
Try speaking with them and tell them how you feel. If they did something you didn't like, confront them gently and tell them.
Notice the little things they do to show they care. Friends don't always come right up and say how they feel about you, but when someone says they were thinking about you when they saw something in a store or bought you your favorite candy, you know they care. When someone goes out of their way to do something or show they care, then they don't hate you.
The best way is to work on your own self esteem and to challenge those thoughts of thinking they hate you. Do things that help build you up as a person and then, any time you look at a situation where you think a friend might hate you, watch how it plays out. If it's turning out well in the end and your friend obviously doesn't hate you, then start challenging that belief inside. Like, "I keep feeling like **** hates me but when she looked mad the other day, she wasn't even mad at me. She was mad about work and actually came to me for support." The more you can challenge those beliefs and build yourself up, the more those irrational fears will stop coming up. :)
Make a case against it. Do your friends actions appear to be those of someone that hates you? Probably not.
You talking to them about it is the only way to overcome that fear. Tell them how you feel and they'll open up in return.
Check out the evidence on why they don't hate you. Is there something that they're doing that shows that they enjoy time with you? Or interacting with you? Create an argument against the irrational fears.
Firstly, I'm really sorry you feel this way. That's not an easy thing to deal with. What's worked for me is this technique (it's actually part of CBT if you wanna look more into that) of writing down the thoughts that come and then arguing back with facts you know to be true. So you would write down "xx hates me because she didn't answer her phone today", and then talk back saying something like: "She was in class when I called, that's why she didn't answer. When we hung out last monday we had a really great time." - and feel free to go into as much depth as you can. I really hope this helps!
In my opinion you just have to ask sometimes. Yet don't push yourself if you're not ready for it yet.
Figuring out how someone hates you is not really hard. Of you feel anxious of asking them straightforwardly then observe their behavior around you and others. Most of people behave differently around different people but seeing change of their demeanor is still very much possible.
Get some help. Talk to a close friend, or family member. Or get an anxiety app! That would decrease your ability-social anxiety!
ask yourself why would they hate you, if you see no reason for this then it's as you said an irrational fear, and nobody is hating you
Sometimes, you need reassurance that you're not annoying people, or that they don't hate you. Remember that they chose to be your friends. They want to be with you. Think of how you feel about them, and know that their thoughts towards you are probably not all that different.
The fear is common, I believe we have always felt it because of small acts that apparently demonstrate so, but is important to remember that in the case that they hate you, they would just leave you. Hate is like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies. If your friends would do this, then the harm would be for them, and besides, I know they don't. You are an amazing person, why would someone hate you?
I think that this is something a lot have people experienced before at least once--when you know someone likes you, but sometimes we tend to dwell or convince ourselves that they don't. Something that works for me is trying to think of or remember the times I was absolutely certain they enjoyed spending time with me, or they actually told me that they did. Write them down, or repeat them to yourself in your head. It feels kind of silly, but when we have irrational fears, sometimes the best way to get rid of them is to make them go away by reminding ourselves of the truth.
As hard as it is, talking and sharing your concerns with your friends might make you feel better about them
Talk to them in private, especially the more close ones, and maybe explain your situation or at least express some concern without exposing yourself too much.
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