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Steps Into a New Me
Much like driving a new car, life-moving events required me to step out of my hardened shell of comfort into exploring the new, daunting parts of myself. These three critical moments in my life lead me to learn and embrace the fearlessness and individuality that I possess. When you’re young, your brain develops ways to cope, and form habits, and thinking patterns as if you are, “building your own car.” I drove this particular “car” throughout my life in order for me to feel safe until one of the most crucial events in my life- moving to North Carolina- stumbled in my path. Moving to North Carolina was one of the choices I made in my life that initially started this journey of self-exploration in a new environment. The following choice I made was seeking therapy to learn ways to feel safe in embracing new parts of myself. Then, I had a moment in which I stood up for myself in my toxic, work environment that had proved I fully embrace and respect who I am. Exploring new aspects of myself by taking risks such as moving to North Carolina, attending therapy, and sticking up for myself ultimately got me out of my shell and into a fearless individual.
Moving to North Carolina from New York with my family of six required me to step out of my comfort zone, my hardened shell into not only a new me but a new life. The daunting part of the move was that I had to move alone and take care of my grandfather, on March 26th, 2020, the beginning of Covid-19. It was a very emotional, 4 AM morning seeing that I was saying goodbye to my grandparent’s home, my home, my safe place. The moment of realization hit my heart and triggered tears, that it would be altered and loved differently by another family and not me. I would’ve preserved all its love, and memories forever seeing that I grew up there and was shown real, true love. Seeing as my grandmother passed away, my grandfather could no longer love it that way. Therefore, my parents took this chance to engage in an opportunity they anticipated for a long time. Moving out of New York. Upon exiting the state, I recall seeing military police and trucks entering the state, as it was the same day the state closed for Covid-19. Not only was the world transforming physically around me and all the troubles that are deemed to come with a pandemic, but so was my inner world. This moment was the beginning but an end to a self I no longer wanted to associate with, someone who lives inside their shell of the warmth of safety.
Seeking therapy to learn ways to equip myself for the darkness of my past to crawl out of this shell and into a new self or I would like to call, “a new car.” My first session was in February 2021, after I had a long, dark, and tiring winter of embarrassing habits that stemmed from not understanding what was “wrong” with me. I expressed that I wanted to be the person my four-year-old self wanted to be. I believed that day, that was a time I was the most mature and possessed a lot of individuality. He had replied with, “what if you can be that, but better?” And I never believed him at that moment. From that day forward, I learned that all my life, for the past sixteen years, I had struggled with what was not anxiety, but PTSD instead. What kept me in this blanket of safety and security, old habits such as people pleasing and stress were coping mechanisms to survive my traumas. My psychologist called this my “old car”, her name was “Bertha.” I built Bertha at age four, I installed all the windows and the doors, the radio, and beautiful leather seats. Bertha kept me safe while I drove through the most traumatic events in my life. Unfortunately but inevitably, this “car” of mine, or more so, the coping mechanisms my brain developed, wore me down in my adult years. The windows don’t roll up all the way, the AC broke, and the tires go flat very occasionally- the car was practically falling apart and unsafe to drive in. It prevented me to go beyond, but it made me feel safe and secure because that is what I was used to. This was the perfect metaphor for me to realize what has been going on inside my brain for so long, and why I felt like I was behind on myself and holding back from who I truly was. With that being said, through something called EMDR, we learned new coping mechanisms, desensitized me to triggering events and fully processed my trauma. This removed all the roadblocks preventing me to step into my “new car” or more so, my fearless self. I was always fearless and possessed individuality, it was about feeling safe in it again.
The last but crucial moment in stepping out of my shell was when I stood up for myself, which proved I fully embraced my fearless self. Til that very day, I had been very loyal to a toxic, corporate company, working completely out of my job description. I had come in on a Monday morning after working the entire weekend, unloading a two-hundred-and-fifty-piece truck, stocking and setting the items that came with it. Despite that fact, my boss was not happy with how the backroom looked despite only being one person. She came down on me and belittled my work in an unprofessional manner. “When I was in your position, I did whatever it took to make sure this store was spotless, even if that meant giving up family and working forty hours a week. There is no reason that I am three times your age and I would have had this done,” were the words that ignited a fire inside me. I felt a rush in my head to my heart, and I knew that this was the perfect moment to fully respect who I am and acknowledge what I do. Even though I did regret pushing my body past its limits, I was grateful for it at this moment because it compelled me to a moment of realization for my own well-being. I replied, “I’m sorry that is something you felt like you had to do, but I am not doing that to myself. I am twenty-one years old, I do not need this job, and I work part-time. So, in fact, I should not be putting this job above my life with my family, my well-being, and working full-time hours when I am not a full-time employee. I know what is right and what is wrong, and this is definitely unhealthy and unrealistic to put on anyone. I would not wish this on anyone, so I’m not going to do that to myself.” I had removed myself, and I remember crying from not tears of frustration or stress, but fulfillment. After all my life, of being a people pleaser, it finally felt safe to be who I was and always meant to be, someone who is independent and is ready to fight for that as fearlessly as I can.
Exploring new aspects of myself by taking risks such as these three significant moments in my life demonstrated a very important message for me. Not only was I a very capable, fearless individual, but I am worthy of all of it as well as anyone else willing to show for it. I came from a place in which I thought I was completely helpless, blinded by hopelessness, and my past overrode every value of myself. I would have never pictured myself moving to another state ten years ago, but I did. Stepping into not only a new environment but the reality from which I was shielding myself. Seeking therapy followed not long after this kickstart of a journey of who Deanna truly is. In order to discover this light and power over my mind, I gained the courage and resources and proceeded to explore the dark parts of myself. With everything I had learned and been equipped with, it was my time to show for it and the perfect opportunity landed in my lap when someone disrespected me at my work. These essential and necessary events that occurred in my life required me to take risks, and developed the fearless self I longed for and imagined as a young girl. I can gladly turn to my four-year-old self and tell her, “Yes, you are worth fighting for. And yes, you would be happy to see where you are today.”
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